“Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
I’ll spare the exact details of the thought that raced through my mind that signaled I needed help.
Suffice to say it was dark. Grim. Intrusive.
I fought it, closed the balcony door, went to bed in the hotel room I was staying in, and showed up for work the next day. I returned home, only to come down with Covid, after which I took a 10-day quarantine “vacation” in an AirBnB.
My health was on hiatus. The distance between my wife and my children and I was rapidly growing. Communications were faltering. My energy was dark, and the grim thoughts were returning.
And other stuff. Lots of other stuff.
The stuff I won’t say here, because…well, I’m now sharing that with a professional.
Last October, I finally made the call and booked my first appointment for talk therapy with a psychologist.
It was one of those health things where I caught it just in time. Any later, and it might have been too late. Like when one finds that lump or unusual skin mark, or when that ache or pain just won’t go away.
The first session was…strange. It was like being in a recurring awkward dream, except now you were watching it with someone, and they were acknowledging you acknowledging it, and they were there to talk about it with you minus judgement.
My therapist held up an open palm and said the point of therapy is to take your thoughts out of your head and look at them and talk about them as though they’re right here in your hand.
Now, about five months in, the question I keep asking myself is: “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
It’s the same kind of health-related question about that pain, or ache, or that lump or bump. If you knew there might be something lurking, why not treat it sooner?
Reflecting back on the inciting moment and the progress I’ve made since, I’ve learned that mental health is just as important, if not the most important part of our well-being.
I’ve learned to prioritize taking care of my head the way I do my guts and muscles. I’ve learned that bravery doesn’t mean marching off to war, instead it means figuring out how not to start the battle in the first place.
With therapy, it’s never really done. It will always be a work in progress, and I’m okay with that. I’m willing to do the work.
Are you?
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Unsplash