Today’s man is more engaged with their kids, but sometimes those inner feelings of tradition come out.
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A lot has changed since the 1950s. These days, in most cases, a man will be standing right beside his partner from the decision to start a family, to the sight of pink strips on the pee stick, to the gauntlet run of health professionals and clinics and hospitals, to labor, birth, breastfeeding and raising children.
The physical presence of men is almost a given but how emotionally present a man really is, in these enlightened times, may still be being influenced and restricted by male stereotypes that were formed a long time ago, before men were even allowed to step inside a labour ward.
Not so long ago a man would have no option but to spend most of his time working away from his family because it was common knowledge that men were not emotionally competent enough to raise their babies and children. It was better for a man to come in with an iron fist at the end of the day, so that the children would be scared of him and toe the line. Wait till your father gets home!
This was the way it was meant to be because men were more competitive and adventurous and needed more time alone and, sex aside, a man didn’t need much warmth or physical contact; he needed less hugs and kisses. A man wasn’t a natural carer and wasn’t outwardly affectionate.
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Back then men were not to be involved in any significant way with pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and the day to day hands on role of raising children. For these reasons a man didn’t go with his pregnant wife to the hospital; in fact he wasn’t even allowed in the labor ward.
My next door neighbor Jack, who’s 91, told me that when his wife, Monica, was in labor he had to drop her off at the hospital. Then he had to walk to a pay phone three blocks from his house to call the hospital to see if the baby had been born. He wasn’t at the birth of even one of his fourteen children.
When a man got home from work he didn’t often pick up his crying baby. God had given him the temperament to think and work, not to soothe and nurture. He didn’t hug his children too long, or indulge their emotions. In fact it was his job to teach them, by way of example, to harness their emotions and to train them towards more reliable faculties such as rational thought and mental focus and strong work ethic. A man was required to keep a protective watch over his wife and children, but only in a manner reflective of his very limited emotional capacities.
A friend, who is also a stay at home Dad, told me how his elderly father, after watching him with his young daughters one day, admitted to feeling jealous of the hands on role and the close relationship he had with them. He had simply not been allowed that kind of involvement with his own children forty years earlier.
Back then a man would put his head over the newspaper, or sit in front of the TV at the end of the day. He’d provide a stern hand and dish out some cool rational unchallengeable advice when it was needed – Listen to you mother! – and then head out to the garage or go to the pub because, seriously, a man was only really needed to protect and provide and to be good at that he had to maintain his distance. And anyway, he was already recovering and preparing for the next day’s work.
If he was around the family too much he just got in the way, made more mess, put items in the wrong place or out of order, and more importantly than all that, if he was too present – if he was there in the birthing ward to see the resilience and sacrifice of his wife, or became aware of the challenges and commitment of breastfeeding; if he was rising to his children in the night, or lying on the mattress of his sick toddler, or home long enough to see the first step or hear the first words or to volunteer at the school canteen – he might discover a more vulnerable side of himself.
If he was exposed to the genuine emotions of others, or became more directly responsible for the emotional development of his children, he might realise his own emotional depth; he might lose the ability to push his emotion aside or hide it away.
If that happened to a man it would make it impossible for him to be the singularly focused, iron fist the world, the workplace, and the family required him to be. Pride, aggression and anger and any form of expression that provided him with control were allowed but if he expressed any other emotion, well, he simply wasn’t a man, and not being a man in a patriarchal world – as we all know – is a pretty damning thing.
There are visible differences between what is available to today’s men compared to my next-door neighbor Jack when he was raising his family with wife Monica in the 1950s and 60s.
You will find today’s man in antenatal classes with his wife. You’ll see him walking down the baby aisle at the supermarket and maybe even walking – just a little faster – through the aisles with the feminine hygiene products. It is assumed, now, that a man will be in the birthing ward with his wife; that they will walk in together and leave together, with a baby they are equally responsible for. These days it’s not such a head-turner to see men at kindergartens and primary schools, volunteering for canteen and story reading and fruit duty, they’re in immunization halls, doctors’ offices with their children, sleep schools, infant swimming lessons and even Mothers groups.
Pretty amazing and on the surface it’d be easy to say ‘Yes, we are doing it. The stereotypes are breaking down and falling apart. It’s now only a matter of time. Men have stood up and are actively fighting alongside women for equality!’
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But what if we scratch a little deeper?
I’ve been writing about my experiences as a stay at home parent through my website and other media sources for several years. I’ve spoken with many men and women about gender roles and the influence of gender stereotypes on people’s lives. I’m no feminist scholar or Doctor of Sociology but I think I’ve developed a good sense of how gender roles have affected families on a grass roots level. What I’ve learnt from that leads me to say this with firm commitment:
I reject the patriarchal model of society. I reject the assumptions and the restrictions and feel sick at the inequalities it’s placed upon just about every person in the world at one time or another. The way it’s kept women from opportunities outside the home, the way it’s kept men from opportunities within the family, how it’s kept boys from dolls and girls from Tonka trucks, how it’s made it so hard for men and women to truly understand each other’s daily lives and communicate genuinely, how it’s kept men from forming intimate non-sexual relationships with people, how it’s rejected and ignored a man’s great potential for empathy, compassion and care by declaring them signs of weakness, how it’s bred a culture of disrespect and violence towards women and a culture of suspicion and fear towards men.
It’s important to say that out loud but has this awareness protected me from the limitations of patriarchy? Has openly rejecting gender stereotypes and speaking out against them protected me from their influence?
Until recently I would have pushed aside a few doubts and answered yes to that. But, if I’m honest, I can’t answer yes anymore…
This is part on of a three part series. More to come.
By Reservoir Dad
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Originally posted on Reservoir Dad.com
Photo provided by the Author
Powerful comments Tom. You are making me think… and that is a good thing.
While what you state is in a general sense correct, some of it seems a little over the top. If Dad didn’t take Mom to the hospital, how’d she get there? My Mom, to this day (She’s still around at 91) talks about my father doing 103 mph on Jamaica Ave in his ‘souped up’ ’53 Mercury getting her to the hospital! Sure he didn’t go in the delivery room. It wasn’t allowed! He also didn’t ‘disappear’ to the pub at night. My Mom tells me he would come home from work and sit me on his lap and watch… Read more »
Bobbt, you and I are from the same generation and experienced similar things in life. The thing about stereotypes is that they are untrue, so you’ve based an article on untruths. Yes, in the old days dad had less involvement with the kids but that was because they worked to put a roof over their heads and food on the table. Nonetheless, when they were home, there was a lot of involvement with their kids. Bobbt and I grew up in those times and I can say that without a doubt my dad AND the dad’s of my friends were… Read more »
At least you would know that your dad would be coming home every day instead of wondering if he would be stuck at home. Also, at least your dad had a good steady job with a chance to move upward and a good retirement plus being able to spent time with the family on the weekends and the holidays.