By: Matthew Gilman
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Sarah had been admitted to the hospital the same day she started to have early contractions. We had been warned this could happen when they did the ultra sound and found that she had a shortened cervix—the average closure is around 25mm but Sarah’s was .6mm. The goal at that stage was to keep Zoey inside as long as possible and make sure her lungs were developed enough to survive in the outside world. On the second day of Sarah’s stay a Doctor came in to visit and explain what we were looking at if Zoey was born early.
“Now you’ve already had the steroid shots and that should be getting Zoey where we need her to be if she is born. What I need you to understand is what we are looking at if she is a preemie and at this stage she will be a micro preemie unless we can keep her in there.”
There was the list of possible problems Zoey could have from being born at 23 weeks. Then there was the question of trying to save her if she was born early. I couldn’t believe this was even an option. “some parents choose to not have us resuscitate if they are premature, especially at this stage. Her odds are good here but it is a long road.”
I thought about the ultrasound visits we had made the weeks prior and the little life that was moving around on the screen as the tech tried to take pictures. It was in the last visit we found out she was going to be a girl. The tech said “Did you see it? there was the sex.” Neither of us knew what he was talking about and he kept it a secret until the end. Both of us were guessing it was a boy, after all what else would be so obvious on an ultrasound. Instead there were the two lines of the labia and he pointed it out for us to see. Somehow, I always knew I would have a girl. My grandfather had five girls and no boys. My own dad had me along with my half-sister, so if I looked at the odds it was pretty clear a girl was in my future.
What gave me confidence in Zoey wasn’t the numbers we were given or the odds that were stated, it was the little image of that girl kicking and moving around giving the ultrasound technician a hard time.
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Adding to Zoey’s odds for survival was the fact that she was a girl. This is where science can appear sexist but the numbers speak for themselves. Boys are less likely to make it to birth in a normal pregnancy. Being preemies they have a lower survival rate than girls. If you look at the planet there are more women than men, and boys are less likely to make it to adulthood than girls. How many girls have you seen on YouTube saying “hey, ya’ll watch this?”
What gave me confidence in Zoey wasn’t the numbers we were given or the odds that were stated, it was the little image of that girl kicking and moving around giving the ultrasound technician a hard time. Every chance he had to take a picture of her heart or lungs a hand would shoot out and block the image forcing him to start over. She had a knack for turning a half hour procedure into an hour ordeal. That little girl had a desire to live and I could see it.
“You do whatever you have to do to keep her alive,” I said at the end of the talk.
“It doesn’t mean she’ll survive but we will do everything we can,” the doctor said. “You will have to prepare for that possibility too.”
The first week was the most nerve racking, learning what Zoey had developed, seeing if there were any infections that needed to be treated. That first week I had a sinus cold and was constantly wiping my runny nose while trying to visit her. I couldn’t touch her for the first week after she was born. Then there was the first diaper change and I could feel her delicate skin for the first time. Her tiny hand gripped around my finger and squeezed as if she was seeing who was there. I wonder if she knew it was the same guy that had been reading to her since she was born. I said “Hi Zoey” and her hand squeezed as if she was responding to my voice. Sarah was the first to hold her with kangaroo care, skin to skin is the other name for it and a day or two later she was placed on my chest for the first time. Her tiny fingers combed through my chest hair and she returned to the isolette with a few strands after an hour and a half.
I have read stories about fathers reluctant or refusing to visit their child in the NICU. I could make assumptions as to why a person may choose to do that, or why they might decide not to resuscitate after they are born. What I can tell you is that they need you. They will have good days and bad, either way you need to be there. Zoey reacts to our voices and we can tell if she knows we are there. Tonight, she let me know that she didn’t need a bedtime story and needed to rest, and that’s okay too.
The talk we were given about being parents to a micro-preemie may not have prepared us for this world, long days, sleepless nights, and fits or paranoia when we are not there are a few of the constant struggles, but when that little face looks at us and she smiles when we say hello makes it worth the fight.
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Photo credit: Getty Images