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Dear Mr. Dad: I was pregnant with my son when my then-boyfriend (who was using a lot of drugs back then) and I split up. I haven’t heard from him in the three years since then and he obviously never had any interest in meeting our son—at least until now (although he’s been paying child support since the beginning). He’s married and has a daughter with his wife and says that he wants to make our son a part of his life. I’m concerned that this might be too much for my son to deal with all at once: a dad, a step-mother, and a baby sister. And to be honest, it’s a lot for me to deal with too. I’m not sure what to do. My ex seems to have his life together and I think it would be good for my son to get to know his father. But is there some way to ease into things?
A: Wow, what a predicament. But I congratulate you on being so mature and taking the high road to support your ex’s relationship with your son. At the same time, though, you’re right to be concerned about how to minimize the impact that discovering all these new family members will undoubtedly have on him.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed, there’s no “right” way to do what your ex wants to do, so the most important thing is take your cues from your son. He’s old enough to know what “daddy” means—most of his friends probably have one. At the same time, he’s not old enough to understand what a step-mother is, and he might find it confusing to have two mommies who live in different houses. For that reason, I suggest that you all agree that he should call his step-mom by her first name.
As far as his new baby sister, it’ll be quite a while before he’ll be able to make sense of how she managed to come into being and how she can possibly be his sister without you being his mother. I wouldn’t even try to explain right now. Just introduce them and let them play.
Unfortunately, there’s no perfect way to rebuild a relationship with a child—or, in your ex’s case, to build one from scratch. It’s going to take time and commitment. The key is to go slowly and watch your son for signs of stress. Your son may be delighted to see dad one day and may not want to get out of your arms the next. And he may do a little regressing. For example, if he’s out of diapers, he might start having daytime accidents, and if he used to suck his thumb, he may start again.
In the beginning, stay with your son as he gets to know his father. After a few visits—when the two of them are no longer complete strangers to each other—you might consider giving them some one-on-one time (assuming that you feel comfortable with the idea and you’re sure that your son won’t be too stressed),
When that happens, calmly say goodbye to your son and leave. Telling him how much you’re going to miss him tells him that there’s something for him to worry about). Instead, talk about how much fun he’s going to have with daddy and that you’ll see him soon.
Finally, you and your ex need to have some conversations about enforcing limits, discipline, household rules, and so on. For now, he needs to support whatever you do in your home—that’s what your son is used to and having those same rules and limits when he’s with dad will make him feel more secure. As time goes on, you can talk about creating a new system.
Previously published on Mr. Dad
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