The common understanding for “Parenting without gender” is nurturing neutral gender kids. Yes? Nope! That’s the biggest misunderstanding of the grown-ups. Parenting without gender means nurturing our kids gender unbiased.
We grown-ups commit the blunder of trying to mold our kids in our ignorance.
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Another misconception about “Parenting without gender” is dressing up boys in girl’s clothes and vice versa. Well, clothes are to hide skin; designing them in saree or jeans is creativity. In pre-historic times, I suppose there were no jeans or skirts, yet boys grew into men and girls grew into women. Gender is a biological aspect and God has designed that well; if colors were to be associated with gender, then boys would have born blue and girls pink. Colors and toys or all such attributes are a mere manifestation of the human mind—a trend started by an anonymous group and followed without logic.
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They say Blue is for boys and pink is for girls. I wanna ask, who are “They” to associate gender with color? Let kids grow free-minded. We grown-ups commit the blunder of trying to mold our kids in our ignorance.
As the mom of a daughter who I want to be angelic, I must not clip her feathers on the basis of apparent gender concerns. The animal world has no color code associated with gender; see how free-willed they are. Why deny our children an entire world of colors?
I’m an unconventional mom and I take pride in it. I have seen conventions fail many times. I believe kids should be given the freedom to make choices and a child’s instinct never goes wrong. Why confine them in meaningless Dos and Dont’s? We can set a range of limitations such that they are flexible to make a decision but that should not be based on colors or clothes.The true essence of “parenting without gender” is to instil good values in our kids and not to devalue any gender.
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The irony is that many think that the liberals, who advocate Gender-Neutral Parenting, are trying to liberate boys from boyhood. They forget to visualize that by discriminating, we trap them beneath certain Dos and Don’ts, which bear no logic. Even studies support the liberal opinion. Research says that children raised with gender neutrality, while being taught about gender, are more creative owing to their freedom of choice and expression.
I don’t go by perceptions; my example is at home.
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Why can’t a girl climb the window grill and why can’t a boy play with a Barbie? Does choice of toys, games and colors really make a kid a boy or a girl? Isn’t it just hormonal?
My 3 year old daughter plays both with Barbie and a toy engine. Sometimes, if I can’t find her anywhere on the floor at home, I only have to look up at the windows, which she climbs with ease and awaits me on. I don’t go by perceptions; my example is at home. I am questioned by many of my relatives and friends, but I ask them “if a girl can be an astronaut and a man can be a chef, why do we confine our kids in some world of illusion?”
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I often wonder if trousers don’t make men out of women, how can skirts make women out of men? Let me cite an example:
CHITON, a simple tunic garment that was worn by both genders in ancient Greece. The Greeks are historically associated with having the greatest and finest warriors of the time. This tells you that a dress doesn’t have anything to do with masculinity or feminity—hormones do. I was not surprised to find that in the 4th century, women in the western world wore pants, which were adapted from the Persians. Contrary to present belief, pants were considered unmanly then. Breeches came into fashion in Europe only during the middle ages.
I strongly believe conventions that camouflage logic needs to be transcended.
So the next time someone questions liberal parents for their choice and approach, please share some historical facts and enlighten the ignorant. And also ask them to refer this space at The Good Men Project.
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“As the mom of a daughter who I want to be angelic, I must not clip her feathers on the basis of apparent gender concerns. The animal world has no color code associated with gender; see how free-willed they are. Why deny our children an entire world of colors?:” Hey, if you want to raise your kids a certain way, be my guest. But what you wrote here simply isn’t true. Gender is enormously important to many animal species. Every animal species that shows sexual dimorphism has traits that are distinctly male or female. For example the following just off… Read more »
Hello Rob Thanks for your time and really liked the way you kept the entire conversation humorous. My pleasure to be your guest! I felt like re-visiting Zoology class mainly chapter Evolution. Sexual dimorphism is decided and hence women reproduce and men can’t, and there are other morphological and anatomical traits. Whatever sexual dimorphism we see today is due to evolution which was in favor of survival. Lamarck’s Theory that said “individual changes due to environmental influences” was long back discarded by Weismann. Inheritance gained its valid theory via Darwin’s finches which says evolution by natural selection. Now where does… Read more »
I believe like you do, and I’m a conservative. Teach all children to be kind and ethical people. Teach them to be honest and fair and open minded. Let them gravitate to what they want to do or dress. That’s all parent really needs to do. It is not necessary to instill social values just because someone made them up. Because someone else will decide something else sometime. Let them do what they want and merely limit them from hurting themselves or others.
Thank you Mark, for your time….. Greetings for the new year!
This is something I appreciate; you call yourself conservative and I say I’m unconventional yet our ethical values or thoughts regarding values are alike.
Honestly speaking, we follow the true conventions which are logically correct but defy the ones which are baseless.
Thank you Rajashree. A good 2017 to you as well! One thing I forgot to say was that not all girls are destined be ceo’s or firemen. Nor not all boys either. But if that’s where their natural inclination is then that’s what should be supported and encouraged. But constrained by stereotypes that you believe in is not the way to encourage the emerging person to discover what THEY WANT to be and do.
@ Mark The main point of life is to be happy. In that, I agree with Rajashree. I think that one of the main jobs of a parent is to prepare their children for life. In that, there has to be the understanding that not only do children have limitations and different gifts, but that life choices have consequences. It’s OK to let your son play with dolls. It’s OK for him to become a hairdresser if that makes him happy. It’s nit OK to support your son in these things and then bemoan the fact that he’s living in… Read more »
@John Gottman. I couldn’t agree with you more. There are consequences for everything you do, or don’t do. A long time ago I remember telling my first bor, a boy, when he asked me what I thought he should be when he grew up. He was about 8. I replied “happy” I told him I’d support his choice to do what he wanted, and that as an adult he’d have to figure out, not me, whether being wealthy would make him happy, or doing what you really like, even if it meant going with less material things would make him… Read more »
Hello Mark
I could relate your words. Discussions with kids really helps the process and make parenting and nurturing easy. And to discuss we need to listen and give them a chance to make decisions. But can’t apply the threads of puppet dance.
Nice discussion here too!
yeah, i get your point. about being so proud of ones gender-free parenting style, but applying controlling judgment to their adult-children’s life choices. There is some hypocrisy there. I was an ‘older’ parent, and personally felt grateful, that I was above the fray of the all the ‘parenting’ advice that circulated in pop culture. I was always suspect of any parent that ‘over-shared’ with how they did things. I felt that they might not be that secure with what they are doing after all? Parenting is difficult, in that it is relentless and sometimes tiring. But, it’s not that hard.… Read more »
Hello
I’m not talking about gender-free; but gender unbiased…..There is a difference; gender is God’s creation and applying color code or so is human intervention.
True parenting is a difficult task and can’t take chances, even being too rigid is also taking a chance, also can’t be over flexible. Parenting is more difficult than maths!
Hello John No parents can harm their kids, says the convention; hence neither who follows strict convention nor who advocates little liberty. Parenting is not an experiment and can’t take chance. Parents are there to guide the children, but the children must also be heard. That’s the simple thing I wanted to say. It’s not that if parents allow kids to choose their path or if a person wants to make a choice …will go wrong. Electronics engineer Anupam Roy had a strong knack for writing since childhood, by profession he was an engineer but then followed his passion to… Read more »
“I’m an unconventional mom and I take pride in it. I have seen conventions fail many times. I believe kids should be given the freedom to make choices and a child’s instinct never goes wrong. Why confine them in meaningless Dos and Dont’s? We can set a range of limitations such that they are flexible to make a decision but that should not be based on colors or clothes.The true essence of “parenting without gender” is to instil good values in our kids and not to devalue any gender.” So, what you’re saying is “conventional” ways mean people are unable… Read more »
Thanks Tom for your time…….Greetings for the new year! I never said that, no parenting is good or bad, approaches vary and I wanted to speak of this essence. Convention is a small word for the vastness that it covers; and certain conventions keep changing. Even we can’t deny that if all conventions were correct, then we would have been living in Utopia. As Utopia is unreal, similarly all conventional thoughts can’t be ideal, though a few might be. Usually kids make choice of dolls or trains by the age of two, that’s natural. At least till the age of… Read more »
Happy New year to you too. At the age of two, children are attracted to shaped, sounds, colors, texture, movement, etc. I don’t think they have the cognitive skills to differentiate if something is characterized as masculine or feminine. At what point do we introduce these boys to Barbies? For that matter, when do we introduce girls to tools or GI Joes? My youngest grandson who has an older (2 years) male sibling who is fixated on trucks/cars and in particular, firetrucks (his dad is a fireman) the younger could have easily be influenced. But he’s not. The younger is… Read more »
“The true essence of “parenting without gender” is to instil good values in our kids and not to devalue any gender. The irony is that many think that the liberals, who advocate Gender-Neutral Parenting, are trying to liberate boys from boyhood. They forget to visualize that by discriminating, we trap them beneath certain Dos and Don’ts, which bear no logic. Even studies support the liberal opinion. Research says that children raised with gender neutrality, while being taught about gender, are more creative owing to their freedom of choice and expression.” The irony is that no one devalues a gender more… Read more »
John thanks for your time……..Good wishes for the new year! I summarise that; raise a child into a sensible human, who has multidimensional thoughts, who applies logic more than mere conventions, has analytical and empathetic approach. Oppression is a different topic for debate or discussion. Even oppression is gender unbiased. Some believe that empowering women is devaluing men and another group feels that patriarchy devalues women. These are tongue-twisting terms and I dread near them. I simply understand that we all comprise the human race and upliftment and prosperity will be the consequence of being empathetic towards each other and… Read more »
I wasn’t arguing with the post as much as extrapolating out what happens when the child becomes an adult. Letting your children pick their path and being comfortable with their choice including the results is a lifetime endeavor.
And I think this is what the author is getting at, and one I agree with too. If they are supported early on to be allowed to pick their path, and their results, not merely boxed into what the author calls rigid convention, then they will not need a lifetime of endeavor to be and express their true being.