With the birth of my second child just a month ago, I have found myself at an all-time peak of overwhelm. Managing the emotions of a newborn is never easy, but then coupling that with a three-year-old that loves to argue with you, and test your mettle with even the simplest tasks. “Put your shirt on so we can go.” My three-year-old son’s response, “No, I don’t want to,” or, “But why?” I am constantly reminding myself and attempting to do my best at remaining present and calm, but it’s so difficult. After hearing the seventeenth, “But why?” I feel myself just calling it quits like most parents, and responding with the perfunctory, “Because I said so!” After much reflection and reading, I’ve come to realize that most of the stresses of parenthood are brought on by none other than the parent. Well, how is this so you’re probably wondering? After all, isn’t it the child who’s still learning how to behave, and learning right from wrong? Isn’t it the child who’s throwing tantrums and not listening after numerous repeated requests?
What kind of parent are you? Are you the tough, strict parent that doesn’t put up with anything? Or, are you the over-loving parent, that can’t say no, and always gives in? I think all of us can identify with at least one of these labels, and if not one or the other, we fall within some range of the two. However, you never hear parents described as being present with their children or fully engaged and listening to their children. Often, as parents, we’re so caught up with what we have to teach our children, that we completely forget to just be around them. We’re constantly doing. We’re constantly showing and improving our children. We’re constantly protecting them from danger. And yet, all of these qualities have the right intention, but I think we’re entering a new world of parenting, where those old beliefs and style of parenting don’t hold up. When we break through some of these old ideas, we are left with so much possibility.
Myth #1: Parenting is About the Child
Ask any parent, “What’s the main focus of parenting?” You will usually receive the canned response, “The child, of course.” This is an old way of thinking. Further, ask a parent, “What are your goals for your child?” They list the standard ones: happy, successful, kind, respectful, etc. However, here’s the problem with that ideology; without even realizing it, you are telling your child that they are lacking in some way that they aren’t enough. Society is always so concerned with the future. What about the present moment?
How many children do you know are anxious these days? I know i was one of them. Every Sunday night, I would experience anxiety knowing that school started the next day, and I worried, “Was I prepared? Did I do enough? Am I missing something?” Modern kid are so anxiety-ridden that diagnosing and medicating even very young children has become normal. Why are children so anxious? The parents are putting these unrealistic expectations on them of how they should be, instead of just allowing the children to be. How often do you hear parents describe their child as: too shy, too quiet, too aggressive, too impulsive, too unmotivated, too unfocused, too lazy? I am guilty of this too. As a parent, we believe it’s our job to “fix” our children. We believe they aren’t performing up to a certain standard. We believe that something might be “wrong” with them. The irony is, all of this parental worry and disappointment has nothing to do with the child, but with you, the parent. Underneath all of these “too” expressions is fear. The parent feels they are inadequate, and they project this fear on to their child.
Instead, try to see your child for who they are. Instead of focusing on what you believe they are not, challenge yourself to find the solution missing in your child’s life. If your child is displaying energy such as anger, disrespect, or anxiety, then maybe you can try bringing joy, helpfulness, respect, and courage into their life. Focus on the solution, not on the problem.
Myth #2: A Successful Child Is Ahead Of The Curve
I was at a children’s birthday the other day, and I overheard one parent who had just had a newborn say to someone, “Oh yeah, he’s going to be doing Judo, that’s for sure.” I chuckled inside, because I too used to share these same beliefs. Why? Because I like doing martial arts, and I believe my son should learn the same skills that I possess. But when you reread what I just said, the key factor is I want something for my son. What does my son really want? Who wants this more, me or him? This guy at the party already made up his mind, that his child would be doing judo regardless. What if the kid doesn’t like judo, then what?
This is one of those things I really struggle with, because how much should you really push your child? All parents have the right intention; they want the best for their child. Further, I think there’s this element, where one needs to be pushed to go beyond their comfort zone, and move towards their higher self. However, many parents lose sight of just being there for their child and creating agenda driven fun. By the age of two, children are enrolled in activities that are supposed to be fun, but quickly turn into competitive. We aren’t even content with our kids doing well, we want overachievers so we can brag about them on Facebook. Again, I ask you, is Facebook for the greater good of your child, or is it for you? Is it to make you feel good about yourself? Better yet, do you post photos of your child when they lose a tournament, or do we only see the ones where they are winning?
The antidote is simple, connect with your child’s inherent powers right now, in this very moment. Stop talking about their potential and what they could be or ought to be. Bask in the abundance of now, all that your child is and isn’t. Attune into your child’s motivations and feelings. Allow them to grow in alignment with their own values, so that they may take greater ownerships of their choices. This allows them to grow a greater sense of autonomy and become the authors of their lives, instead of always feeling bullied by us overreaching parents.
Myth #3: There are Good Children and Bad Children
How many of us have said, “Oh your child is two, how are the ‘terrible two’s’ going?” Outbursts, tantrums, misbehavior, are all part of normal development during that age, but we see it as an inconvenience, so we label it terrible. I can totally relate to this myth, because any time my child doesn’t go with the flow, I tend to say, “Why can’t you just do…[fill in the blank]” But really, if I reflect more on what’s occurring in the very moment, it’s just that my child isn’t fitting my perfect agenda. I’m overreacting, because my child’s behavior is not fitting into my life. That’s why we love “good” children, because they allow us to feel in control, rather than face uncomfortable issues.
Secondly, we want to be careful labeling our children, as in he’s shy, lazy, nice, fat, etc. I have fallen into this trap once before, as I used to tell parents at the park that my child was shy, as he was very slow to warming up to others. Really, this had nothing to do with my child. It had to do with me. I felt embarrassed that he wasn’t opening up to others in the park rapidly. I was the one seeking approval from society, not my child. These labels can weigh a heavy burden on our children if they haven’t developed a solid sense of who they are. Think of the negative labels or shame you’ve held on to throughout your life and how it undermined your sense of worth. Instead, we want to weaponize our children with a powerful psyche, so that shame doesn’t stand a chance to establish itself.
No matter the issues we face, we parents need to ask ourselves, “What can I do at home to change the landscape to allow my child to thrive?” Because the reality is, our children act out and we immediately say things like, “Don’t act like that,” or “You need to stop that bad behavior!” But when you start looking for ways to build common ground and start asking questions to your child that shows you care about their own autonomy and empowerment, their guard drops and their authentic self opens up. When you start to realize that your energy and how you show up for your child has everything to do with how they act, only then will you establish a deeper level of connection, and move away from the role of the disciplinarian to one of their biggest supporters.
Note: Many of the ideas taken from this blog post were inspired by Dr Shefali Tsabary’s book, “The Awakened Family.”
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Photo: Getty Images
