In light of a recent news story about a teenager suing her parents for college tuition, Larry Bernstein wonders what essential items parents should be obligated to provide for their children.
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“I want a waterpark,” says my seven-year-old son.
“You can’t have a waterpark. Nobody has a waterpark.”
“I want you to build a waterpark in our backyard,” says my seven-year-old son.
“You can’t have a waterpark. Nobody has a waterpark. We can go to one, but we can’t have one.”
He is momentarily pacified.
“I need an iPad and you have to get it for me,” demands my nine-year-old.
“No, I don’t have to get you an iPad.” After several volleys back and forth, accompanied by threats of misbehavior, he eventually calms, though not contentedly.
What do I owe my children? This question has been on my mind since I first read about the Morris County teen who moved out of her parents’ house and then sued her parents in order to make them pay for her college tuition, room, board, transportation, and other expenses. She seems to believe that they have to do this.
While I recognize that this case is more complicated than meets the eye, it is making me wonder, what are parents OBLIGATED to provide their children? I must confess that this issue is one on which I am conflicted.
I think we can all agree that parents must provide, to the best of their ability, food, clothing, and shelter for their children. Of course, you also have to care for the child to ensure he/she is in good health. These things simply go with being a responsible parent.
However, does it go beyond those basic necessities?
Does a parent have to give a three-year-old a Thomas the Tank Engine, a three-year-old Play Station 4, a thirteen-year-old an iPhone and a seventeen-year-old a car?
Now, I know what you may be saying. Of course not! But maybe you should provide your child such things.
Hear me out on this.
We live in a consumer society. And our children are consumers too.
Do you remember how many cartoons were on TV when you were a kid? Compare that to now. Heck, there are whole stations—Disney Jr. and Nickelodeon, for example—devoted to kids’ programming. And what goes with programming like peanut butter and jelly? Yes, that would be commercials.
Therefore, when children make demands, they are simply doing as instructed. They are responding to advertising.
And we are supposed to buy things for our children. It’s patriotic. It’s the American way. You do want a thriving economy—don’t you? Go! Buy, buy, buy.
What about if I don’t want to buy for my children?
It’s not because I am unable or cheap. In fact, I don’t think my children need to have everything. Not only that, I don’t think it is good for my children to have everything. How will they learn a work ethic if they are given everything? How will they recognize limitations if they do not live with some? How will they learn about gratitude if things are simply given to them “on demand”?
In all truth, I don’t know what I need to provide for my children beyond the necessities of life. It seems to me that this is a personal decision that is based on many factors, including a family’s financial capabilities. However, if a parent is providing love, emotional support, and guidance, they can forget the waterpark and still be a good parent in my book.
By the way, my family and I recently visited my mom. She sent us home with a couple bags of groceries.
Thanks, Mom.
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Credit—Photo: Carissa Rogers/Flickr
I agree with you 100% Bo. I think your idea about parents providing and children earing the latest fad sounds wise.
“Buy, buy, buy – it’s the American way” does more damage than good. The focus should be on “needs” like food, shelter, love, guidance, support, encouragement and an education. That said and provided it’s within their budget, I do think it is important for parents to provide opportunities for their children to earn “wants” like iPads, PlayStations and the latest Jordan’s.
It’s definitely a challenge and one that requires navigation. Ultimately, however it is a personal decision and up to each parent.
Great post! I think that some days it is hard to balance want vs need and same goes with just because you can afford to get them XYZ doesn’t always mean that you should!
My grandma gets me a bag of groceries for Christmas every year. 🙂
Go Grandma! Enjoy those groceries for many years to come.
There was a time as a kid when I told my dad I hated him when he didn’t buy me a toy. Then he relented and did buy me a toy. I told him I loved him. I guess I was a dick of a kid at times. Maybe we all were. But parents just do that stuff because when you are happy, they are happy. Therefore, a water park …
I guess we all were. And I guess all parents are happy when their kids are happy.
But I guess part of the role of a dad is to balance short-term happiness with long-term happiness. Ungrateful role, I now. But I really don’t want to explain to my boy, when he is 20, that there is no money for university because … you guessed it: check out the waterpark in the back yard!
This is a great question to ask! It seems that many parents today are of the mind set to give, give, and give some more… I often wonder what the motivation is to do this. Are parents afraid that if they don’t give then their children will not like/love them? Do some parents give out of guilt over focusing on their careers instead their families. Does giving more stuff substitute the need to be involved as a parent? It is my believe that my main responsibility as a parent is to provide my children with an emotionally safe environment where… Read more »
I think you make some good points Darryl. I think guilt is involved too. Maybe, people feel they are not spending enough time with their kids or that their kids should have what other kids have. This is also in the name of massaging ego. We are so concerned that kids should always feel good about themselves.
Truthfully, I am sure there are many reasons why some parents give, give, and give some more. Let’s also remember not to generalize. This is not true in every family.