Today is Game 1 of the World Series. We wanted to know if dads had any predictions, so Carter Gaddis asked them.
Dads know things in the 21st century.
They know how to soothe a crying infant in the middle of the night. They know how to color coordinate an outfit for school. They know how to pack a kick-ass, nutritious lunch themed in the genre of super heroes or Halloween.
Parent things. Twenty-first century dads know these.
But how well do they know baseball? The Good Men Project was curious, so we asked an entirely unscientific, unrepresentative selection of parent bloggers who happen to be dads the following:
Who will win the World Series?
In how many games?
Under what unique circumstance?
The tally: a draw. Ten dads picked the St. Louis Cardinals. Ten dads picked the Boston Red Sox.
One die-hard dad picked the Dodgers [That was me — Whit]. Another historian picked the 1984 Detroit Tigers. Someone else picked the Vikings (?) in nine (??).
Four dads asked who was playing. (Are you there, baseball? It’s me, apathy.)
One thing all East Coast dads agreed on: If they need something to watch on TV as they attempt to soothe an inconsolable baby in the wee, small hours of the morning, at least they’ll have the World Series to keep them company for the next week or so.
Here, then, is a peek into the psyche of the 21st century dad as we get set for Game One of the World Series tonight in Boston:
John N. Eden, Daughter of the Beard: Red Sox field, pitch, and bat with only their beards and win in a four-game sweep.
Gil Noriega, Fan Dads: Red Sox in five, Ryan Dempster gets the last out with a K, opens jersey to reveal a Cubs t-shirt underneath. Sadly, this ends up being the closest I get to a Cubs World Series in my lifetime.
Kevin McKeever, Always Home and Uncool: While I’m pulling for the Red Sox, I’m predicting the Cards in seven. Carlos Beltran will win the Series MVP by virtue of his ninth inning grand slam on a two-out, 0-2 pitch that lands straight in the heart of Mets’ fans everywhere. Again.
James Zahn, the Rock Father: Boston Red Sox in five games. The most memorable moment will arrive during a late-game rally, in which the band Boston will descend upon the stadium in their guitar-shaped spaceship, but in a surprise move, the Dropkick Murphys will climb out while performing “For Boston.” St. Louis Cardinals’ outfielder Carlos Beltran will be seen shrugging his shoulders while stating, “Hell, I can’t even name a band from St. Louis.”
Tom Burns, Building a Library: This is less of a prediction than an inevitability, but the MLB announcers will spend every game giving the Boston Red Sox sloppy, undeserved verbal blowjobs every second they take the field – mythologizing their every movement and waxing rhapsodic about their ability to grow facial hair in the postseason in a way normally reserved for discussing childbirth or moments spent in the afterlife. Then, after the commentators lovingly rank their favorite Red Sox, like 10-year-old girls debating the cover hunks on the latest issue of “Tiger Beat,” they’ll fight to hold back tears and curse the gods for not allowing them to have given birth to Xavier Bogaerts themselves and nursed him to life from their own sore, reddened, life-giving teats. Then, after commissioning the estate of Seamus Heaney to write an epic poem about the Sox’s heartrending and heroic quest for the World Series crown, after an unimaginable expanse of time lasting a cruel and unfair SIX WHOLE YEARS, Joe Buck and friends will create an effigy of Mike Matheny made entirely from red socks once worn by war widows and orphans and profane that effigy in ways unimaginable to the human consciousness. And then, hopefully and finally, the Sox will take the series in five because the Cardinals suck.
Aaron Gouveia, the Daddy Files: Red Sox in six. Despite their two World Series championships since 2004, the Sox haven’t won it at home yet. This will be the year. Game Six will be won after a Koji Uehara blown save in the ninth leads to extra innings and a walkoff hit by Xander Boegarts ultimately wins it.
Bill Gouveia, columnist: Red Sox in 5. Tim McCarver wanders out of the booth in the sixth inning of Game 2 at Fenway and is discovered interviewing a homeless woman he thinks is Bobby Valentine and waxing poetic about the inside of the left field wall and how he used to hide there during the ’67 World Series.
Scott Behson, Fathers, Work and Family: Cards win in six. Red Sox lose a game by forfeit because Clay Buchholz takes 234 seconds in between each pitch, even after multiple warnings. In the last moments before Tim McCarver fades into retirement, he reveals that his announcing over the past 20 years has been an elaborate plot by FOX television aimed at ruining baseball for anyone with over an 80 IQ. Instead of a trophy, Commissioner Bud Selig gives MVP Carlos Beltran one wish. Beltran uses it to eliminate ugly beards throughout baseball.
Jay Sokol, the Dude of the House: My prediction should have been the Indians in seven, if not for the BS new wild-card system that eliminated the hottest team in baseball entering the playoffs via one measly game (a loss to the Tampa Bay Rays). The winner now will be whatever lame show Fox plugs endlessly. Unless it’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine, which is hilarious.
Adrian Kulp, Dad or Alive: I go with Sox in seven. Both teams win all games at home.
Mike Julianelle, Dad and Buried: After outlasting Detroit’s pitchers, the Cards will be a breath of fresh air. I bet they score six-eight runs a game.
David Stanley, Rants and Mutters: McCarver will tell a Bob Gibson anecdote during the pre-game show of the first game. Napoli will have a huge series but it won’t be enough as St. Louis takes it in six. There will be a piece about great St. Louis BBQ and another about a legendary Boston area seafood restaurant. And Bobby Valentine will whine about not getting to take “his team” to the series. ‘Cause that’s Bobby.
Chris Nichols, Rated 4 and Up: Sox in seven. Cardinals will be spared humiliation in Game Seven due to a new elementary “mercy rule” (yet to be implemented) that will end the game after Boston takes a 10-run lead going into the sixth inning.
Francis Michael Linardo, Frank’s Place: St. Louis in seven. At least one game will be played during snowfall.
Who do you think will win the World Series?
Image: Flickr/ IAN RANSLEY DESIGN + ILLUSTRATION