It’s chill if your boobs are slightly different sizes. They’re still boobs, after all.
By Frank Kobola
1. Whether your breasts are the same size. Everyone has lopsided breasts. They’re breasts. It’s part of what makes them breasts. It gives them character. It’d be like hating on Drake for being such a sad baby all the time.
2. If you use his bathroom. It’s fine. It’s not as if we’re standing there with our ear pressed up against the door trying to hear what you’re doing in there. Everyone goes to the bathroom. This is a thing we’ve known for a while. Poop comes out of butts, the sun rises and sets and rises again. Stop freaking out like “having a digestive system” is on our list of deal breakers.
3. If you’re sweating. Did you go to the gym and you’re sweating because you just ran five miles? That’s the expected result. You wouldn’t get weirded out by water freezing when you put it in the freezer. No one is like, “What the fuck, ice cubes?” If you didn’t sweat, that would be weird, because it would mean you’re a reptile in a person’s body.
4. Zits. They’re gross but everyone gets them, so it’s not like we don’t know what’s up. Yeah, you got a zit on your face because you ate pizza. We feel you.
5. Those weird mouth noises. You know when you make a weird noise with your mouth by accident because you’re chewing gum or something, and it sounds like you farted, but you didn’t? And then you try and replicate the noise but louder and more obviously so people know it was your mouth? Yeah, we don’t care about that.
6. Jiggling. Jiggling is almost always a good thing. It might be uncomfortable and make you self-conscious, but we have a very different take on it.
7. Freckles, birth marks, etc. Stop acting like you are the first person in the world with a giant birthmark on your leg. There are thousands of us.
8. Any fat rolls anywhere. Most people have that spot on their love handles or stomach or wherever that they just can’t seem to shape up unless they spend eight hours at the gym every day. Most people can’t spend eight hours at the gym every day. Even most people who spend eight hours at the gym every day understand that.
9. If you’re wearing Spanx under that dress. Conceptually, we understand Spanx, but it’s not something we think about. Ever.
10. If you’ve got hair or stubble somewhere. We don’t notice it as overtly as you think we do. We definitely don’t notice it as overtly as you do. That saying, “We are our own worst critic,” was about body hair.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan. For more like this, try: