10 Dating Turnoffs You Can’t Come Back From [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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and then there was a woman who said i
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can’t look at my partner when he’s
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showering he looks pathetic
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well let’s do it x steve where do you
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want to start with the ick so the ick is
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supposed to be this feeling of suddenly
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irrevocably being turned off by someone
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with no hope of return
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it could be a current relationship could
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be a budding one it tends to often be
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people in this sort of middle stage i’d
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say or early to middle stage
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and basically there became this
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tick-tock trend as much as i am up with
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tick-tock trends there was this
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tick-tock trend of people describing
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their version of the ick and this is
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where i want to point a question to you
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audrey as we come on to this as a woman
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because
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i feel there’s some weird mix here
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between
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what might be genuine incompatibility
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and that causes the ick
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and then like just pet peeves
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and a lot of these lists so there’s a
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list that came up that was a bunch of
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people’s x
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and they sort of sound ridiculous
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go on um
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matt if i told you wait these are these
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are ones you found on tick tock these
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are ones that were listed in various
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articles gathered from tick tock okay
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places like that
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um
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putting his hands up on a roller coaster
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has given someone the ick
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playing cricket well hang on let’s just
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so the roller coaster one is well
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there’s a few of these so
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but just you know we maybe we can pick
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up the pace on them but like can we just
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for a moment speculate on why putting
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someone’s putting your hands up on a
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roller coaster might be an ick i i have
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a theory i suppose it’s like people see
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it as cringe or they see it as try hard
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yeah i think they see it as a bit goofy
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yeah and a little bit like you’re
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enjoying yourself too much you’re a
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little bit too in the moment it’s a bit
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overly enthusiastic
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yeah
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it’s not cool it’s not like
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it’s not like
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you’re just on a roller coaster having a
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good time it’s like
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i’m on a roller coaster and i’m gonna
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make it even more scary by putting my
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hands in the air right like i’m i’m a
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bad dude i’m a bad boy baby no no no
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it’s the opposite it’s the opposite it’s
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like i’m the bad boy is like
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bad boys the bad boy is looking at the
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person with their hands up and like what
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are you doing
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why are you doing that the bad boy is
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enduring the roller coaster so this
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guy’s really into it he’s loving the bad
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boy like if the guy is sitting next
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imagine like a teenager sitting next to
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his mum and his mum puts her hands up in
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the on the roller coaster and he’s like
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mum put your hands down what are you
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doing because that that sort of feeling
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so it’s it’s overly
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keen
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right
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and again these are all the frivolous
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ones there are some more right i just
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think it’s interesting to kind of get a
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little bit of yeah psychology here so
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what’s the next one so
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uh one is playing cricket
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hang on this is a very english reference
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this could not have come from american
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tick tock uh well no tick tocks you know
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it’s all over the show well i know that
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but there’s no way
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this is not like
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that this is a very local reference
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there’s a few more why why i’m playing
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cricket for those in america why might
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playing cricket be an itch it might be
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seen as like a fussy sport and it’s like
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a bit of a tough
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posh boy a bit of a posh boy school boy
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sport i guess that’s that would be the
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image people would have of it but
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here’s some others
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jumped weird on a trampoline now that is
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very very specific very how many people
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are even seeing i mean you can go your
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whole life without seeing anyone you
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date on a trampoline yeah so if he does
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it 10 years into the marriage you’re
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screwed right and you get the it if
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that’s your thing you better put them on
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a track you better find an excuse to get
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them on a trampoline quickly
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you know i did not know what that pratt
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would look like on a trampoline yeah had
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i known i thought he was the man of my
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dreams um yeah yeah yeah i feel misled
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sniffed loudly hang on though why the
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trampoline thing oh sorry you’re over
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analyzing that i think i think the
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trampoline thing is the same as the
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roller coaster thing i reckon he was
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enjoying himself a little bit too much
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on the trampoline letting go not enough
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indifference not enough indifference not
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enough composure do you think it’s also
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a coordination thing like i don’t like
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he sort of looked all gangly and weird
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and look look well here’s one here’s one
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standing in a long line
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standing in a long line could give
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someone the it and speechless for that
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one
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is that just that
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that feels cultural to me
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cultural yeah
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there are some cultures that just don’t
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the the idea of standing in a line is
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sort of offensive and there are others
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that are real like it’s too submissive
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like english people queue up
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right you know what i mean they they
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queue up whereas there are other
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cultures where they’re just like
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wouldn’t what are you doing no i’m just
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going to find a way around this you just
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you can’t deal with it right right i can
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definitely see a french woman being put
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off by
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somebody standing in the line for too
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long right right
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and you’re and you are of course
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speaking as a french woman as a french
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woman i just whatever
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audrey’s not just saying
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she’s not just hating on the french
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right now she is the french he literally
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might be standing in line buying movie
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tickets for you guys and she goes well i
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don’t like to look at it i don’t like
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what i’m seeing she goes i can’t take
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this
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this isn’t for me um
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here’s another one um sat cross-legged
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so i’m in trouble if people can look at
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me right now if you saw me right now i’m
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halfway between a cross-legged style
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that was one i saw people didn’t like
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one knee over the other what do you mean
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you’ve got one nia
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this would be one knee over the other is
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if i’m just sitting like this no i think
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i think what matt’s doing is
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cross-legged i think no no i think that
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you’re
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cross-legged you’re sort of one over one
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knee over the other now i think that the
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cross-legged thing is that feels sort of
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infant
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like
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right feels like sort of childish
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and therefore it doesn’t feel
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i think the version of versions of the
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same thing one feels a bit like you sort
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of resembling a child and the cross and
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the one leg over the other
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some people i think look at and go oh
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that’s too feminine this is an ancient
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yogic pose i mean this is
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you know right you’re you’re disgracing
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all kinds of traditions and and there
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are lots of this is you know we’ll come
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on to this but if if prince and i’m i
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don’t know how prince sat
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but i bet you he sat with one leg over
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the other a lot yeah
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and people loved it in a lovely purple
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pair of trousers
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yeah and and it was and i think purple
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trousers is on some people’s list but
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when prince bloody does it right man or
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woman
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you you wanna shag him
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right
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yeah i’m not
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saying i’m just he’s prince he’s prince
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that’s what i’m trying to say is that i
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bet you people were never arguing that
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prince had one leg over the other
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but
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you know
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right it’s all coming out now isn’t it
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here’s another one
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studied business
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i think people just see that as a they
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see a cliche of a certain kind of
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man who studies business you know
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someone who’s someone who’s not
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culturally deep or something like that
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like interesting
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it’s just sort of seen as a kind of
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catch-all
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like
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you didn’t know what else to do so you
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it’s not a it’s not a sign of passion so
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you just went for business or that
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you’re sort of um
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only commercially driven and that’s
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eternal right right like you’re not
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there’s not interest or quirkiness there
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was too nice
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i mean that’s
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a person really putting their cards on
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the table there was too nice although
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that could be seen as people can be
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cloying or annoying or needy if they’re
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you know nice is a is a sort of
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euphemistic word isn’t it
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eight pork that’s quite culturally
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specific i think
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eight pork
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or vegetarian well a lot of people
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really like pigs
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a lot of people like pigs um
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so i do feel like pork even amongst
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people who
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it’s not a cultural or a religious thing
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that they don’t eat pork there’s just
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sort of a
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scene eating pigs is just seen as
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particularly
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you know they’re bright they’re really
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bright i love the attention you’re
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giving to these
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there’s there’s i find it interesting i
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think there’s insights into people from
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these there’s one one woman wrote so one
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guy wrote girls who can’t drive a manual
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car
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denim jackets with woolly collars
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and then a woman’s i said i wrote that a
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guy jackets with woolly collars that
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feels like a woman wrote that and then
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there was a and then there was a woman
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who said i can’t look at my partner when
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he’s showering he looks pathetic
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[Laughter]
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i mean like any so many of these are
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like moments of little vulnerability and
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they’re just immediately pounced on
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but a man showering he literally can’t
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do anything
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about that
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and also so mean and also
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also some women find it sexy so sorry
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she said like some people find it sexy
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watching her partner shower so that’s
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kind of she said that about guys she’s
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with
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yeah i can’t stand watching my partner
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showering i feel like with a lot of
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these there’s some uh
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pre-existing contempt just waiting to
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come out right do you know what i mean
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like
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like hyper judgmental oh yeah if you if
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you feel like your partner is just the
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sexiest most manly
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amazing
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just person that you’ve ever met in your
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entire life and you see him naked
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showering you wouldn’t go to he looks
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pathetic yeah you sorry brian gosling
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i’m not into when you soap yourself i
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just
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it turns my stomach i feel like it’s
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almost that behavior then highlights
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something that’s already existing in the
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way that they perceive that person do
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you think
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i think so i think it’s also possible
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that
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i think that’s true i think it’s also
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possible that
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something that someone does can remind a
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person of
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some
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may something conscious or unconscious
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from their past
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that’s become kind of locked in as a
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it’s like if you’re i don’t know if your
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parent ate a certain way that sort of
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drove you mad at one point or another
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and then you date someone who
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has that eating style
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you know
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choose their food that way then it’s
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kind of becomes triggering
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and it might be a kind of
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overall
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result of the contempt you feel for your
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partner in other ways or it could be
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something that you just kind of go
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it reminds you of something
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that you really don’t like so like a lot
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of these icks right those are silly
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and
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i don’t know if that’s what
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when people talk about
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the ick as like a big thing
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they felt they suddenly i’ve heard it
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like say i’ve heard it described as like
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your partner suddenly makes your skin
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crawl there’s some description here by
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psychologists like suddenly they’re
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they’re them kissing your neck feels
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like a slug crawling around your neck
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and you’re like oh get off me but like
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it’s almost like
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something is broken and you’ve
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maybe it’s like this person reminds me
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of some like
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[ __ ] i remember or i’ve seen
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something in there their value system
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their beliefs the way they think about
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you know suddenly you think this person
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is i don’t know
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uh this person’s got a really like crass
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horrible
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like view on the world or there’s some
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way they’re rude or there’s some way
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they there’s something right and you’re
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just like i can’t stand this kind of
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person
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it’s like a bit deeper than these silly
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things isn’t it i actually
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don’t think it is i think
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the ick is so much more primitive than
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that
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and i think it’s interwoven insecurity
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because
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you know
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when you’re younger and you feel like
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there is an abundance of time and people
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and choice you just get to
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value very superficial things and that’s
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no shade on
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young people i think
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you know you there are plenty of young
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people who have a level of maturity that
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people never reach when they’re older
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but as a general rule you know you’re
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always wanting to date the cool hot
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funny popular person
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and you are less sort of drawn to the
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kinds of traits that maybe
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you gravitate towards as you get older
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and i think
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when you’re younger you’re much more
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judgmental and contemptuous towards
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other people because you have a lot of
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insecurities within yourself so you find
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yourself repulsive in certain ways you
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desperately want to be cool you never
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want to be found out for anything and so
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to associate yourself with somebody who
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could possibly
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you know drag you down
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to the level that you think you’re at
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and possibly make you feel
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like you’re not you know you’re suddenly
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not popular and you’re suddenly not that
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person i think that’s that’s one of the
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reasons that we get so repulsed by
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people it’s like oh my god this guy’s
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not in the call club like he’s like yeah
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and it’s like it’s gonna infect me sort
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of exactly i think it’s almost like look
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at him he’s sitting cross-legged he
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looks so
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you know weak and oh my god i can’t be
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around that i can’t have people think
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that
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the guy that i’m with is that kind of
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guy
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oh i’m repulsed and i think that’s where
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the primitive response comes in because
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it’s such a kind of emotional
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response and i think the older you get
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the more comfortable you get in yourself
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the more you realize that you yourself
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aren’t perfect and people are just you
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know people with flaws and
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whatever and i think you just end up
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being way more accepting of certain
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things because
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you realize that in order to find a
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partner you have to make allowances for
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people’s
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weird quirks see i kind of i i think
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there is interesting things on both
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sides because on one hand i do think
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that the x take place on a kind of
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primitive level
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that
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means that for all practical purposes
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it’s almost like
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they don’t differentiate the silly x
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don’t actually really differentiate
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themselves from the ones that we might
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perceive as being about something much
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more
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meaningful and important
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but
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what you’re saying steve is that
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there are
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some ics that get to much more
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fundamental
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things right like say if you
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you were dating someone and they were
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just a chaotic
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disorganized nightmare and you were like
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oh my god i’ve played mother to a guy
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like this before and i’m like i’m out i
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don’t want a guy like this or you have
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like someone who is super
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needy and like over lavishes you with
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like gifts and attention early on and
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you’re like oh god i don’t i don’t i’ve
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had a needy i’ve had a needy boyfriend
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before i’ve got like get away from this
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and like something that’s almost like a
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trigger for like oh you’ve just had like
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a domineering dad or man or something
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where you’ve been like this person talks
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over me they don’t let me do this they
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he tries like one thing that sounds a
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bit controlling and it triggers
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something in you that’s like i don’t
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want someone who’s going to control me
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and it’s more like
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something viscerally is like nope but to
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that extent
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really if you think about it an ick is
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just a trigger
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so if you take the idea of like the
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chaotic person that is a turn off
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because you’re like oh my god i’m going
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to end up playing mother to this person
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and
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you go well what would be the ick the
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ick might be you got in that guy’s car
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for the first time and it was gross
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right and it was a mess
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and
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if you were then to kind of if someone
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put that out on tick tock as the ick
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they wouldn’t describe it as my ick is a
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chaotic person whose life is in disorder
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and can’t manage their responsibilities
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you would say
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someone having a messy car he had like
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five mcdonald’s wrappers exactly
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to me an ick is just a portal to it
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that’s why i’m interested because an ick
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to me is just a a gateway
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to a bigger theme
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about what is unattractive
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and i’m really interested in people’s
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opinions on all of this i think this is
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gonna people will have some really
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interesting ways of looking at this
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so email us what you think of this
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what maybe a story you have about this
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maybe a story of a turnaround from a
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nick um maybe you’re struggling with a
16:53
certain nick in early dating email us
16:55
and let us know podcast
16:56
matthewhussey.com
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[Music]
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you

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