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Guys let’s be honest. We all feel over-obligated and behind the eight-ball way too much these days. Blame it on the world we live in, or be honest and own your responsibility in being all too ready to oblige others and situations that we should be saying a firm “Hell No” to.
C’mon. Admit it. You know it’s as true as the fact that someday you’ll suffer from erectile dysfunction. But that doesn’t mean you have to roll over, die, and stop living. You could, but then anytime a man plays a victim it isn’t pretty. Instead, why not take ownership and start busting out of obligation after obligation after obligation. It won’t make you less of a man and will make you a better man for yourself and others if you try some of these obligation busters.
1. Stop saying yes and say no more often. No one says that yes is the way to happiness, and if they do then they are stuck in obliging mode. Use the power of NO and don’t apologize. Just to be a jerk about it.
2. Ask yourself, “How does this serve me?” Even though this sounds a little selfish on the surface if you’re going to oblige someone or something, do it for the right reasons. If you’re doing it to score points, get attention, hopefully, get something in return, you’re going to f*ck it up. Make sure it serves your greater good and not get you thrown out of the hood.
3. Get off the generation hamster wheel. Admit it, men. We are our Fathers and their Fathers and their fathers…son. As much as we don’t want to admit it, we carry those genes, and I’m not talking about the Lucky Brand type. If your Dad, Grandfather, Great Grand Father was an over obliger or an obliger avoider, find your own path to how you want to obligate yourself and work that DNA like it’s nobody’s business.
4. Tell obligatory guilt and shame to take a hike. Obligations aren’t necessarily healthy. They’re even more unhealthy when they get laid on us like a bad hook-up. Have you ever hooked up just because he/she was there and you felt guilt or shame for saying “Sorry, this isn’t going to work!” That’s the type of stuff that feeds obligations. The moment you feel guilt or shame about not OBLIGING is the moment it’s time to reassess.
5. Tick-tock, you’ve got one life to live. Depending on how you view this life on the planet and whatever happens after, obliging can eat up more time than a constipated bowel movement. When you feel that need to oblige, look at a clock, watch the second-hand tick by, and ask, “Is this obligation worthy of my time?” Time is precious and it is the one thing we’re all gifted with to use as best as possible. Too many obligations is a waste of time unless that’s how you thrive!
6. What do your values tell you? I value adventure, integrity, honesty, family, and autonomy, amongst other things. The moment an obligation arises, I ask myself how well aligned the obligation is to my personal values. If it doesn’t align with at least 3 of my personal values, that obligation is lovingly told to sashay away. Pick your top 5 values that you strive to live by and keep them at the ready any time you have an obligation arise. Then stack that obligation against those values. If it shoe doesn’t fit, then we must acquit the obligation.
7. Mind, body, spirit, oh my! Similar to filtering an obligation through values, it’s powerful to consider how an obligation feeds your mind, body, and spirit. If you’re ravenous for growth and fulfillment an obligation should in some manner feed your mind, enrich your body, and guide your spirit to do great things. Doesn’t always mean that ever obligation hits the trifecta, but it damn well better at least fill the bill for at least two out of three.
8. Does it fill your human needs? Tony Robbins says we all have human needs – certainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth, and contribution. His theory is that as humans, two out of the six our primary human needs. I agree but find that three is more accurate. Pick whichever two, or three match who you are, and make sure when an obligation comes calling it feeds your human needs. By now, with the values, mind, body, spirit, and the human needs, you should be armed with enough tools to make a darn healthy assessment about obliging…but, there’s two more to go.
9. Is a kick in the ass or a regret imminent? Intuition and gut feelings never fail, or rarely do. As an obligation is presented, or the need to oblige because that is what you do, if for any reason you experience a potential twinge of regret or envision kicking yourself in the ass for following through, stop and stop now. This is your moment of truth to take care of yourself and bow out gracefully.
10. Would you, do you? How many of you read that headline and went to the sexual arena? That’s ok. It was meant to shock and grab your attention. The same thing applies to oblige and being an obliger. Would you do what you’re about to do for someone else for yourself? Be honest. Often times we wouldn’t do it for ourselves and then wonder why we feel so annoyed, aggravated, resentful when we do it for someone else. Get real boys/men! If you wouldn’t do it for you, then you’re probably headed for “Danger Will Rogers!”
Obligation busting isn’t easy until you get used to doing it. Of course, that doesn’t mean to tell your boss to pound sand because you don’t feel obligated to do the project. Use your head for crying out loud. Instead, consider seeing the project as a means to an end. Something that serves you, makes you better, meets your values and goals.
On the other hand, because there’s always another hand to explore with if the obligations get thrown at you because you’re a, “Just Jack. Just give it to Jack because he will always do stuff,” you might want to think to implement a few Obligation Busters before you bust loose for all the wrong reasons!
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