“Every speech act is a request for love.” ~ Bruce Fink
If someone says, “I’m willing to entertain the possibility that I’m a narcissist,” then he’s probably not a narcissist; if someone says, “I’m definitely not a narcissist,” then he’s probably a narcissist. Narcissism is largely unconscious — a fragile ego backfilling its own grandiosity.
I’m more interested in what I’ve called “Fabricated Self-Importance” because it’s conscious, intentional, performative, strategic, as well as inauthentic and patently absurd. It is the deliberate performance of putative status superiority for transactional gain, deployed by people who conduct their lives as if they’re on the verge of curing leukemia when they’re really just deciding between Pilates or Barry’s Boot Camp. They double-book lunches to see — à la “Black Mirror” — which of their “friends” will yield more power points.
But there’s a sub-genre of this affliction that I hadn’t previously fully accounted for: the endemic sense of entitlement that seems to have trickled down from social media influencers — people famous for being famous — into real life. People who seem to believe that rules were written for someone else, or at least they were meant to be broken by those entitled to break them. “It’s only illegal if you get caught” and “Ask for forgiveness, not for permission,” I’ve heard them say.
It occurs to me there may be a left-field explanation for this type of egregious disregard for propriety, this “Do you know who I am???” way of interacting with the hoi polloi: these people must have been kings or queens in their past lives.
Here are 10 signs that these gods are walking among us today:
10. Texting at red lights, causing 3–5 cars behind them to miss the next green light. The idea that a DM would cause the woman behind to miss her ultrasound doesn’t compute. Whatever they’re doing is obviously the most important thing in the world and cannot wait. Red lights were made to give people time to text throughout their busy days.
9. At cafes, restaurants and bars saying, “I’ll DO the…” (matcha latte, espresso martini, avocado toast with burrata) instead of asking “May I please have a…?” “May I please have” is a request. “I’ll DO the” is a decree. When you’re royalty, there’s no reason to treat other humans with respect or dignity. They are there to serve you. Period.
8. Correcting a waiter’s pronunciation of a foreign wine — delivered with the weary patience of someone who once had vintners hanged them for lesser offenses. Bonus points for sending expensive bottles back.
7. Taking a video call on speakerphone in a waiting room or on a train, converting a public space into your private office. The commoners around them need to know that they are in the presence of greatness. Overhearing smoothie ingredients, supplement cocktails and other vital daily information and business deals makes the commoners aspire to be great.
6. Ghosting “the help” — closure is a courtesy the royals do not have time to extend. It lets people know how great they are by keeping others dangling.
5. Letting their dog off-leash in an on-leash area “because he’s friendly.” Leash laws were written for other people’s dogs. “Truffles” has bitten anyone in years.
4. Talking at normal volume during a movie, play, or concert, as if they were in their own living room. Because in a sense, they are.
3. Double-parking “for just a minute,” blocking a full lane of traffic. Hazard lights optional.
2. RSVPing yes and simply not showing up — no cancellation — to a dinner, wedding, or gathering someone paid for per head. Their presence is always a gift. Maybe next time they will bless you. Keep trying.
1. Cutting the line at a coffee shop under the guise of “just asking a quick question,” which somehow becomes an order. Customizing latte orders is an artistic expression of uniqueness. We all must let these anointed artists beautify our world in their unique way each morning.
Fabricated Self-Importance with a heightened sense of entitlement — sometimes framed as “empowerment” — appears to be a full-time job for not only influencers but many humans who amuse themselves by playing status games. My only explanation for this phenomenon is that these people are reincarnations of kings and queens from previous epochs, sent back to earth to instruct us on how to live correctly by constantly displaying their greatness in the most trivial and mundane situations.
Previously Published on Medium
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