The things that we say about each other can truly be damaging, especially if we keep perpetuating gender stereotypes. James Michael Sama reminds us that not all men are the same.
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It is no secret that stereotypes, while admittedly sometimes seem to be quite accurate, do not hold true for every member of the group being stereotyped. Some are funny, some are offensive, and some are just aggravating. In discussions and observations I typically hear about how “men are” this or that. More often than not I find myself trying to get the point across that, well, I’m not like that while not trying to sound like I am selling myself to the person.
I know I am not alone, and for that reason I am writing this article for those of us out there who don’t fit the mold, and want others to know it.
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We are not all slobs.
Oh yeah, I am just as guilty as the next person of letting clothes pile up or leaving stuff around the house — but when it comes to not cleaning up after ourselves or more…private matters that arise usually when a man and a woman share an apartment, I am as clean as they come.
Not all of us are cavemen who leave our mark everywhere (so to speak) and hope for someone else to clean it up. Some of us understand common courtesy.
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We are not all sports fanatics.
By the time I finished high school I had played about every organized sport that was offered. Some were short lived but some lasted a few years. One thing remained the same though — I never had much of an interest in watching them. Women tend to picture groups of men grunting at the TV and chugging their beers on Sunday afternoons when football season starts — but the fact of the matter is some of us just really couldn’t care less.
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We are not “intimidated by your attitude.”
Some women will say that if a man does not want to be with someone who has an overbearing personality that he “can’t handle” it, when in reality he probably just isn’t attracted to it – but people never like to admit that they have an unattractive quality (this obviously goes for both genders).
Some of us enjoy being in a loving, caring relationship with a woman who does not pride herself on being a “bad bitch.” Usually partnered up with “he can’t handle me,” leads to the conclusion of: No, he just didn’t want to deal with the attitude.
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Not all of us tune you out.
Some men actually listen to, care about, and pay attention to how you feel and what you’re thinking. Believe it or not.
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Not all of us are clueless about fashion.
Some of us will actually go shopping with you and not complain about it, either. A lot of us actually do care how we look.
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Not all of us cheat.
I know plenty of men who have never cheated in a relationship, myself included. The phrase “all men cheat” fails to account for the fact that some of us actually value a meaningful connection with someone we care about over temporary physical satisfaction.
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Not all of us miss the things that “men never notice.”
Did you change your hair? Get your nails done? Some men will actually pay attention to the small details and care enough to let you know that they’ve noticed.
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Not all of us are completely out of touch with our emotions.
The idea that emotions “are a female thing” has been perpetuated in our society and are seen as a sign of weakness in men. I stand behind the idea that caring for others is actually a strength, and here are a few reasons why.
We are not all robots void of feeling.
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Not all of us are terrible communicators.
Some of us have the ability to sit down and have a meaningful, productive conversation where feelings are exchanged, problems are solved, and relationships are improved.
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We are not all the same.
The most overused term that accompanies dissatisfaction with a man is that “all men are the same.” This is, obviously, no more true than saying all women are the same, all Italians are the same, all dogs are the same, or all Guinea Pigs are the same.
If you continue to run into the same problems with men repeatedly, it may be time to reevaluate the types of men you are spending time with. Maybe they are all the same, and branching out away from your “type” may give you a fresh perspective.
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As the world becomes more diverse, as the internet opens the doors to communities for every interest on the planet, as social media connects us to millions of people we could never meet without it – we have to move away from the stereotypical image of what a “man’s man” looks like, and understand the nuances each of us have.
And men: We need to understand that the reason why some of these stereotypes are so strong is because there are so many of our fellow men out there perpetuating them. People who claim they are “not like all the other guys,” and then fail to back it up with actions.
A woman will not believe you if you tell her you are different, she will only believe you when you show her.
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This article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. Follow him on twitter.
Photo credit: Greens Lettings/flickr
There are tons and tons of untrue stereotypes about women. We all complain and no one cares so why should we care about your complains. In my case i treat people the way they treat me, and I have tons of stereotypes on my back because of men, so because of women we are trying to get even. We’ll stop with men stereotypes when men stop women stereotypes.
pooooooooooooooooop
i fell the same poop
derp derp derp you are derp
bendy was a little devil thing that was brought to life by a silver screen he used to make people chuckle but now he makes them scream
These are stereotypes for a reason they might not all be true but they’re the opinion of someone. Women have to deal with way more stereotypes than men. We’re pressured so much more and men are not appreciative of all the things we do.
Plus men complain about women not doing anything yet we are the ones who do all the house work forcefully and bare children forcefully yet we are WEAKER!!!! We have so much crap against us with out much fight against it, but when men finally get a taste of their medicine the cry and complain. THEY NEED TO JUST CUT IT OUT!!! calling us the weaker sex yet we put up with all this degrading stereotypes for much much MUCH longer then all of you weak men!
disagre
i ma cow
I don’t think all men cheat. But I do think men sometimes can lean to treating women interchangably when it comes to their sexuality. The “all men cheat” trope may come from the lack of loyality women sometimes feel from men.
You know, I recall reading an article many years ago that referenced statistics from reports in the 80’s that found the rate of women cheating had increased dramatically, and several articles and surveys that have since that basically reaffirmed that after 5 years of marriage about 60% of women have admitted to cheating while 75% of men admit to having cheated. Now I have no idea if there’s more recent formal work to go off of, but I think it’s pretty safe to say both men and women cheat – frequently at that.
1. I never said and don’t believe that women don’t cheat.
2. Nothing you said actually addresses my comment.
3. I am not just talking about traditional cheating. I am talking about how men in general behave in regards to their attraction to other women while in a relationship with one woman. I.E the lusting and seeking of other visuals of women historically more then ever before in human history due to the sheer volume of availibility.
4. Even based on your statistics, men cheat more by a 15% margin.
1. Sure, but it was kind of implied that women are far less likely to cheat because they don’t see men as sexually fungible. 2. If women cheat at comparable rates as men, then loyalty should be a concern for everyone, not just women. 3. This point was all over the place. Elaborate please. Are you talking about porn? If so, do you think watching porn is a form of cheating? 4. Nope. Not true. 60% of women ADMITTED to cheating vs. 75% of men. There may be a reporting bias at work here. That state may only show that… Read more »
women do cheat you cheated this paragraph is from a KFC commercial.
You’re so oblivious. Women that believe what you just stated are reflecting their own desires on men so they don’t have to feel guilty. Women are much more likely to spread these stereotypes, because society let’s them.
You’re wrong, you’re still spreading the SAME stereotype. Stop being a delusional pig. It’s disgusting.
When I have ever told someone that was not open-minded and open-hearted that I was not like the stereotype of men… they have always asked if I was gay.
Dude I so feel you on that one! I know many of my guy friends who I know they purposefully act a certain masculine image when they’re with their girlfriends, and then they are a lot more soft, emotional, and just overall more complicated when they are with me. Because I am the understanding friend. And i’m more expressive of those characteristics. Girls always assume I am gay because of it – LOL. Little do they know, men and women aren’t so different. We are just raised to believe we are, and so some of us try to act it.
Very good list. A lot of these stereotypes come from one gigantic stereotype that has been really hard to break:
The stereotype that men are simpler than women. (Or that women are complicated/complex and men are “simple creatures.”)
This one assumption has done more damage to people than any other gender assumption. We have a massive uphill struggle to try to convince people that no gender is more “complicated” than any other gender.
I appreciate the intent of this article but I am who I am so here is my struggle with it. The use of the term “not all of us” and “we are not all.” And that’s because it leaves room for some to see these as “exceptions” rather then the majority. Perhaps the use “most of us” would be more acceptable in my view.
Except of course “Not all of us are the same.”
James Michael Sama. Thank you for not portraying all men as a monolithic collection of negative characteristics.. As Robbie Knight points out this is also gender stereotyping and degrades both genders. This is also sexism.
As a woman I hate these stereotypes and as a voice over person they are frustrating as all get-out. Media has a hand in this problem. In our industry we constantly struggle to push past stereotypes and do more original spots, but clients refuse to try new things most of the time and want to play into “safe” AKA STALE ideas. The most annoying stereotypes of my day nearly every day are the bumbling husband/father and the know-it all wife who can’t resist knocking him down a peg. I’ve started to HATE voicing that character. And it doesn’t help to… Read more »
“We need to understand that the reason why some of these stereotypes are so strong is because there are so many of our fellow men out there perpetuating them. People who claim they are ‘not like all the other guys,’ and then fail to back it up with actions. A woman will not believe you if you tell her you are different, she will only believe you when you show her.” Whether a person goes with the grain or against it, they deserve the credit of being taken as an individual, not summation of stereotypes. Real people are much more complicated… Read more »
A cardinal rule of life is “how we see the world……….how we see people………..how we see relationships…..how we see anybody or anything is a reflection of how we see ourselves.” If someone makes any of the above negative comments about anyone else the first thing they might ask themselves is “how does the negative judgment I am making about someone else apply to me?” Both Confucius and I offer up that invitation. Here is how Confucius would say it: “If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the… Read more »
Pretty satisfactory answer from Confucius; though it occurs to me too that the student there is also a teacher, and the teachers can also become students of him as well. Was it Heisenburg who suggested that observing an experiment also affects it?
Well said!
We are not “intimidated by your attitude.” This is an interesting one as I was speaking with my boyfriend who mentioned he didn’t like a certain woman we had just met and I mentioned how she has a bit of an aggressive personality. He agreed that that must be the reason but when I pointed out that it is not the personality he doesn’t like but that it is a woman with the personality that he doesn’t like he denied it by saying he doesn’t like the personality. That was until I reminded him that his best friend has the… Read more »
Sort of but not always. I too don’t like people with aggressive personalities, but do have close friends with exactly that quality. The difference is in how relationships develop. A lot of us would trade off family members if we somehow had that choice at the beginning, but now we love them anyway.
That’s the thing with best friends, though. Sometimes they’re our best friends DESPITE a quality, not because of it.