I have shitty and hard-won wisdom to impart to willing heathens:
1. Love Yourself First
You will only ever be as satisfied with a lover as you are with yourself.
2. You will HURT
This lifestyle needs to come with a warning label. *Um, me! Read my over 550 articles, lol.
3. OPSEC, aka “how we cover up our shady shit”
DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN. Don’t get too comfortable. Don’t be too clever and pat yourself on the back. It’s never over til it’s over.
4. Narcissists Everywhere
Cheating is a hungry soul looking for a rosy mirror that gives them the most desirable reflection of themselves. Lots of narcissists in this adultery pool, let’s just say.
5. Wasting Time/Cash
You will spend a LOT of time and/or money looking for an affair partner. What else could you do with that money or time besides look for illicit sex? Lots. Make sure this “lifestyle” is worth it to you. Adultery seems less problematic than (let’s say) a heroin habit, right? At least, you hope…
6. The dreaded “kill zone”
Your affair will eventually reach a zenith point of direction and pacing that’s a “kill” zone. Direction (divorce or stay cheating) and pacing (how often to see each other) must remain aligned with both partners, or it all will collapse.
7. You are probably not in love
What you are feeling is limerence or NRE (new relationship energy). It’s the great deceiver in adultery land. Real love is rare to find in a relationship based on lies. Unicorns may be more abundant.
8. You may have lost your “muchness”
Please know you are MUCH sexier, lovelier, more interesting, and more of EVERYTHING than you think you are. Life sucks this out of us. Dead bedrooms even more. You don’t always have to fuck a stranger to know how goddamn delicious you are. Remember your “muchness.”
9. When to GET OUT
Get out if you are in an unhealthy relationship or emotionally blunted marriage. Don’t waste time cheating. Get the FUCK out. This is a short life. Every last one of you heathens has a sweet and perfect match out there. You are going to be someone’s sexy morsel. So go out and find them.
10. I’ll save the best for last.
No more serious shit. NO ONE WILL FUCK YOU LIKE IN AN AFFAIR. It’s the best sex ever. No lie. You do stuff that spouses will never dream of, let alone try. It’s next-level fucking.
It’s Scotty firing up the Enterprise.
“I’ve giv’n her all she’s got, captain; she cannae take no more.”
That’s why we’re here, folks.
As an expert marital treachery artist, I have skills to impart. I can lead you along the road less traveled in affair land. It’s dark and winding, but there are some delicious layovers along the way; wink wink!
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Guys, I’ll be your affair fairy godmother waving my adulterous wand while you search for your blow job princess. LOL.
Let me help you get started on an ad. Email me at [email protected]
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Monika Kozub on Unsplash