Matt Hearnden shares what really irritates him in a relationship.
Dating isn’t easy.
How honest should you be? How much of yourself should you reveal? How long can you keep up being your best self?
And then—as if it wasn’t hard enough—everyone is different. Everyone. In the entire world. That’s not some spiritual bullshit. That’s scientific fact.
And that means, no matter what you do, no matter who you are, no matter who you pretend to be … there’ll be some people who won’t like you. Ever.
The more you pretend to be someone else, the more some people won’t like you. The more you try to be the best version of you, the more some people won’t like you. That is an undeniable reality.
That being said … there must be some things that are at least close to universal turn offs, right? For men and for women.
I think so.
Here they are:
I went on a date with a woman once who kept talking about how famous her family name was where she lived, and how it commanded a certain “respect”, and how I’d be lucky to experience even being a part of that. I got the impression that she thought she was better than people. I’d be “lucky” to experience being attached to her family name? No thanks.
2. Excessive complaining.
A woman I used to date always complained that she’d eat too much and then would feel way too full after a meal and that she’d have to just lay down for half an hour to feel better. She’d complain that she did it, and then she’d do the same thing over and over again. Annoying and unhealthy. And this isn’t about body image, that I wanted her to be thinner, or that I was judging her for her appearance. It was the fact that complained about it and then did nothing. Ever. Eventually, I’d get annoyed, and I’d say “well, you could always eat less.” And then she’d get angry and sulk.
3. Talking without action.
I can’t be around people who talk about doing something and then don’t do it. It grates on me. I don’t understand it. Well, ok, I do understand it. Because I used to be this person. I used to complain about my job but do nothing to change it. Because I was scared, because I didn’t truly believe I could change my life, and all those wonderful excuses. While I understand it, I’d never be able to be with someone like the old me.
4. Poor conversation.
I hate always the one who has to ask questions or start the conversation or keep it going. I want someone who I can talk with for hours without even realizing it. I want someone where we don’t want to stop talking, even when we have to. I want someone who’s curious about me, and about my past, and about my future. I want a woman who helps me to be curious about her.
5. “Don’t be boring.”
When I was doing some online dating, there were some women who had this on their profile. It pissed me off. First of all, yes, thank you for that wonderful advice. Second of all, it’s not my job to entertain you. I’m not your plaything. Interestingly, or perhaps not, it was often these women that didn’t seem to be able to hold a conversation. No wonder they didn’t want me to be boring.
6. Always having to initiate sex.
I like initiating sex. I love it, actually. But always? Literally every single time? No. That’s too much. I want someone who’s confident enough to jump on me, and who’s secure enough to ask for what she wants.
7. A lack of ambition.
A woman doesn’t have to want to run for President. But I like someone who knows what kind of life they want, what they’re interested in, what they want to get paid to do. It doesn’t matter what it is – she could want to be a teacher, or a scientist, or work for a charity, or run her own business, or be a writer, like me. As long as she’s working towards something.
8. When I’m supposed to guess what’s wrong.
I’d ask my ex what was wrong. She’d say nothing. I’d say ok. She’d still be acting “off”. I’d ask again. She’d say nothing. I always had to ask more than once. Always. Every time. And she still wouldn’t tell me. And then I’d leave it. And then, eventually, she’d tell me. I wasn’t a mind reader, and I’m not, and I don’t want to be. Just tell me.
9. A woman who’s not living her own life.
I’m attracted to women who are doing what they want regardless of what other people think. I like the confidence, and the independence, and the fact they value choice. Again, it doesn’t matter necessarily what she’s doing with her life. It’s more that her own opinion of her means more to her than other people’s opinion of her.
10. Texting and messaging all day.
We don’t need to speak all day every day. I’m not doing anything different from when you asked me that 10 minutes ago. It’s a turn off because doesn’t she have things to do? What’s going on in her life that she has all day to text me? I do like someone who wants to talk every day, so we can update and support and be there for each other … just not all day every day.