Dr. Bill Cloke has worked with many couples in his long career, and there are few things he thinks you should know about your partner before you tie the knot.
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We pan in on a newly married couple gazing lovingly at each other on the dance floor dressed in white and aglow with happiness and sweet expectation for a life together. They read their vows professing love sublime with misty eyed friends and family looking on. It’s a happy time for all, maybe one of the happiest times in life.
So what happens when the honeymoon is over and you are in the day-to-day with your mate for the next umpteen years? Soon enough married people become some kind of bastardized facsimile of their original family dynamic. So what can couple’s do to get a hedge on what the future holds long before the bells start ringing?
What are the factors that determine relationship happiness? What are the important ingredients for a happy marriage, and how are couples supposed to determine if they have those before they make what could be their biggest mistake or the best decision of their lives?
Here are 10 things every couple should talk about before any knots get tied.
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1. Get a History Lesson. It is supremely important that you know what your mate has been through in his or her life. Rich, poor, happy, sad, alone, what happened in school, all the dish about the big moments and how they went down. How did Dad treat Mom or was there a Dad in the house? Did their family fight all the time? Did they ever discuss things below the surface or did they punish, abandon or beat each other up? Was Dad or Mom into the drink, drugs or popping pills? Were Dad and Mom faithful? It’s good to know just how far the apple does fall from that family tree.
2. What are Their Values? What do they hold dear, who are they committed to? Have they ever thought about it? Have they ever taken time out to consider who they are? Have they ever been in therapy of any kind? Have they been married before and did they take some time to consider what their part in the breaking apart of that marriage, if they were divorced?
3. Is there Rockin’ Sexual Attraction? This is a must. There has to be an attraction that is powerful to begin with. If the attraction is not strong in the beginning it will be gone before you know it. Sexual non-attraction is a perfect storm for extramarital affairs so choose wisely. Once an indiscretion occurs and there is not an agreement that it’s okay to have other sexual partners, it spells major trouble for trust and security. Also, check out what their moral values are and if they are able to live them not just talk about them.
4. Own up, Show Up and Be a Grown Up. Can your mate take responsibility for his or her mistakes, failures and foibles and own their part of a problem? Are they someone who always has to be right? Can they do what they say they will do? Can you count on them to be there when the chips are down or to be there when they say they will? Being a grown-up means that your mate is able and willing to look at themselves and then take action, changing when necessary, and is capable of acting unselfishly.
Watch for defensiveness, retaliation, withdrawal and criticism as negative factors that are ways of pumping one’s own personal issues onto one’s partner. Not a grown up thing to do.
5. Anger Management and Conflict Resolution Skills. Very necessary skills in a relationship. If your partner cannot control his or her anger, then it’s going to destroy the connection and it will take a long time to repair it each time. If that goes on and on then it will eventually erode the relationship. People need to learn how to stop, cool off and then come to the table and find a working solution.
That’s where family history, personal work and the ability to be responsible come in. Good conflict resolution skills are incredibly important for long-term happiness. Whatever you do, don’t think you can change someone once you get married. You better take them as they are because changing is really hard to do.
6. The ability to Function. If one or both partners have not resolved their personal life issues, they will infiltrate the primary support system. Team work, partnership and the ability to take care of one’s own end are critical for a balanced relationship. If one member of the relationship is not working, can’t find what they care about in life, are confused or unable to function is a basic ways, it will be overwhelming to both people and eventually will create resentment and anger. Know this going in. If they are between jobs during the courtship they might be that way during the marriage.
7. Sense of Humor. A healthy sense of humor is a critical factor not only in life but whenever there is a conflict. Being able to find humor in difficult situations is not only life sustaining but relationship sustaining.
8. Is there Empathy? Empathy is the most important relationship skill. Seeing what our partner is telling us from their point of view not only enables connection but will ease every conflict. Empathy is defined as “vicarious introspection,” which means that we are able to introspect from the other person’s point of view.
9. Trust and Comfort. It’s important to feel not only comfortable with our mate but that we can trust them. Trust is the foundation that relationships are built on. Being comfortable means that you feel accepted. If you feel that you need to “catch” a person who feels unattainable or unavailable, or somehow get them to accept and want you, then bark up another tree and get into therapy immediately. By the way, if you need to play games, manipulate or push your mate to get married you need to know now that it never works, so you can save yourself a lot of grief.
10. Are They A Good Listener? Does your mate have the ability to listen and then let you know that you are heard? If they don’t have that ability, you are going to be really frustrated later on. The ability to actively listen is an essential tool for harmony and keeping love alive.
Marriages fail because no one is listening and letting the other person know that they are understood—not necessarily that you agree, but that you get it. Acknowledgement and validation keep arguments from going out of control. If the other person does not feel heard, they are going to ramp it up and then it will spin into anger and more arguing. By the way, there are no good lovers just good listeners. The obvious meaning here is that love remains viable if we connect and that means good listening skills.
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As I read over this list I’m thinking along with you, whew, this is complicated. Well, guess what, it is. There are a lot of pitfalls and black holes in relationships that we have to be aware of before we take the plunge.
For lasting happiness and for love and lust to remain active, we need to be able to fashion a connection and then learn how to keep it. That’s not necessarily a walk in the park but is ultimately doable. If your mate has the ability to stop, look, and listen you might be able to create something truly magical for the long haul. If not then you are in for some real difficult times.
If your partner has the ability to face up to their part in a problem and listen not only their ears but with their heart, they just might be able to pull off a real coup in the lasting love department. And hopefully you can have some kicks along the way.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Great article. All seems so obvious but then for so many people it really isn’t. And in the midst of all quick advices of how to date, save marriage etc bombarding us from every direction, this is the only one that makes any sense. Wish more ppl could see it.
The article is brief and the topic gives place to many discussions. From my point of view, listening is the most important trait, because although it could seem strange, words have differents meanings for each one in a couple. Tenderness, erotism, being detail oriented, being well-tempered, etc. are concepts, but the interpretation of them, the way in wich each of us come them down to earth is the factor that attracts or repels. Then my and my spouse could talk and talk, but if we don’t understand and interpret the same, talking is going to be an effort almost in… Read more »
7. Sense of humour: the key is an ability to laugh at oneself. Ideally I take my marriage seriously, I don’t take myself too seriously.
Speaking to #3… I married a good man who I knew very well. However, our sex life was never normal. It was good the first year, and then it was never satisfying or consistent again. He has issues relating to sex, and things weren’t right before we married. Maybe I should have walked away, but everything else was in place. We were only married for three years before the sexual incompatibility killed our relationship.
We have landed in such a pathetic situation that a therapist decides the nuts and bolts of a marriage.
The great thing about articles like this is that you don’t have to read them if you don’t want to.
Bill, Simply outstanding piece. Over the years since my divorce, I have discovered just how lame and pathetic our ‘marriage counseling’ really was. The things you mention above need to be at the forefront of any marriage or relationship counseling, if people desire such. If I had read you piece back in 1995, it would have created a giant pause for me to ponder and question things. Most of us, for all intents and purposes, go into marriage pretty ignorant of the many essential things you mentioned. Due to paucity of understanding of marriage, as an institution and mode of… Read more »
Thank you so much.
great article learned a lit about pooping thanks
I didn’t see anything about having children ……I always wanted children and assumed my mate felt the same way after talking about names We would pick if we had children etc. and he didn’t after being together for 15 years he decides kids weren’t for him… he always had a reason not to try …. We weren’t married yet ok We lived together for 7 years before we where married …. so we got married …. We don’t have enough money …….Who ever does…. the sperm with holder cant really make a baby without trying and 2 able partners after… Read more »
Great article and all really important things to consider before taking the plunge. I just want to add something to the change thing. Totally agree you should never go into marriage thinking you’ll change someone or that marriage/kids will change them. I really do think people change for two reasons: 1) because they really really want to rather than someone pushing them to and 2) they see that they’re going to lose something dear if they don’t. The tragedy is so many potentially great relationships are lost because people realise these two things too late. I do think if you… Read more »
Very good point. Thanks
Most of these points are painfully obvious. I can’t believe that it takes a therapist to point out things like: 1. Don’t marry a stranger. 2. Know what they care about. (Why would you marry someone if you don’t know what they like?) 3. Marry someone that you won’t vomit at when you see them. 4. This is a good point 5. Marry someone that isn’t insane. 6. Be sure that you should be getting married. 7. Good point. 8. Care about your spouse. 9. Marry someone that won’t steal all of you goodie bags. (Why would anyone get married… Read more »
Michael, it must be so nice to be so far ahead of 50%+ of Americans.
If that percentage is based on the statistic that says that 50% of marriages end in divorce, then I’d like to point out that about 70 percent of those divorces are issued by women. Meaning in a group of 100 divorces, only 35 are issued by men. In your other comment you say that “Like we women need to train you men to accept marriage as good and desirable…” Based on the data, it looks like the men aren’t the ones that need training. Marriage in its current state is pathetic; it has been debased so much that it doesn’t… Read more »
Do you ever wonder why you so very negative about marriage or the thought of it. It would be a good question for you to try to find the answer to. I think it may be why you are alone.
It looks like you have misinterpreted my comment completely; I never indicated that I have anything against marriage. I guess you came to that conclusion because I said that marriage today is pathetic. This is a fact. Divorce rates are higher than ever, and I’ve seen several cases where there is almost no reason for the divorce. However, I have no problem with the thought of getting married. It is the reality of marriage that is the problem. Nowadays, marriage no longer means life-long commitment. I am not negative about marriage; I am simply looking at the facts. By the… Read more »
If you want to know more then get into therapy sounds like with your attitude you can use it.
Assuming that this short article is going to come up with the deeper complexities is expecting too much. If you want some more substantive material I would suggest that you read my book Happy Together or anything by John Gottman who has researched over 12 thousand couples. But please don’t expect a 1000 word piece to be laying down the deeper material. Blogs simply can’t be an intellectual treatise on the deeper constructs of what goes on with couples. It’s just not possible in that format,
I now see that I expected too much; after all, the title just says that these are things that you want people to keep in mind when they are planning to get married. It’s for people that were not aware of these points.
What really stands out for me from this advice as something we don’t hear enough about is someone who is “catching” a partner, or talking him/her into marriage. That cannot end well, and yet it’s a trope we see way too often on TV and in movies.
Like we women need to train you men to accept marriage as good and desirable… First, it’ snot true, second, if you find someone who doesn’t want to get married, nothing good is going to come out of talking them into it!