Kelly Buckley on dealing with the progress of life after her son’s death.
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A simple Internet search will yield a plethora of resource material on grief. There are books on how to prepare, deal with it, learn from it and help a friend through it.
But even with this knowledge at our fingertips, dealing with grief is still one of the toughest challenges we face in our lifetime, although it is a shared experience of humanity.
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I’ve been blessed by people that protected my healing heart when my son died. I feel Stephen’s love, as if his essence was dispersed, and I am given a little piece of him when I need it most.
Based on that experience, here’s ten ways for you to comfort someone who is grieving:
1. A Handwritten Note: There’s something about seeing cursive writing on paper. It says, “You matter and are worth the extra effort.” I’ve been deeply touched by notes that shared personal memories of Stephen. A handwritten note is a tangible piece of comfort.
2. Validation — Not Just for Parking: When you hurt from deep loss, you need to feel validated. I needed to know that Stephen’s life had impacted others as much as it had changed me. It’s so important to have others tell you, “Yes, he was as special as you thought he was.”
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3. Don’t Wait for an Invitation: The early days of grief felt like I wore lead boots, a lead sweater and carried rocks in my pocket. It was physically difficult to move because of the pain. The heartache had taken its toll. But friends, neighbors and family simply showed up. They did not wait for an invitation, or a request. They just rang the doorbell.
4. Check in on Key Dates: Special days serve as milestones. The first twelve months are the year of “firsts.” These days are further confirmation of the physical finality of death. I can’t sugar coat it. It is tough. I remember laying my head on my tear-stained pillow thinking, “Whew, Thank God that’s over.
Beyond the first year, special dates remain. The person who has lost someone is not making new memories, so occasions are the moments that they have to reflect on a life. So, whether it is the first or tenth year, check in and recognize them. Grief can surge back like a rogue wave, even when the person looks just fine on the outside.
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5. Lasting Memorials: Memories endure, but details fade with time. The impact of a life can be articulated clearly in the immediate days following the death of someone special. But then ten years pass, people move on and stop they talking about them. You are left to remember their spirit quietly within your own family circle. A memorial serves as a confirmation of a contribution to the community, what they loved or who they were. Think about ways to create lasting memorials; scholarships, donations, writing or a physical place to sit and reflect on a life. A life lived is one worth remembering.
6. Be Honest if They Need Extra Help: This is delicate, but if you feel your friend or family member needs extra support, don’t be afraid to make the suggestion. Encourage participation in support groups that will allow them to interact with peers. If needed, suggest a good counsellor. Our family attended counselling for months after Stephen died. We affectionately called her the “Grief Lady.” Sometimes the perspective and wisdom of a professional can make all the difference in processing the painful emotions of loss.
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7. Invisibility is for the Movies, Not Grief: Some people could not face me. They ran for the hills. One lady even hid behind a post. And although I understood why, it hurt.
Others abruptly stopped talking about Stephen, like he never existed. In conversation, their discomfort was obvious as they tried to talk around the fact that I ever had a son.
Don’t make us feel invisible. Don’t be afraid. I am still here, and I am still Stephen’s Mom. I still need a friend, now more than ever. If you are comforting someone, please recognize the person that died, and the loved ones left behind.
8. Grief Continues After the Funeral: The casserole dishes are returned, the wilted flowers discarded and life’s routines have resumed. But the hurt continues, privately and quietly. Remember this as you comfort someone. They may look fine, laugh and be on time for that meeting. But within their chest sits a broken heart that is still mending. Be mindful of that, and treat them with extra care as they heal.
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9. Talk Less, Listen More: You want to say the perfect words of healing comfort. But, the truth is, they don’t exist. Your loving words can ease the suffering, but no words can take it away. Grief is a journey, and with each painful step, the load lessens, as if you were dropping pebbles from your pocket on each bend in the trail. But it takes time.
Don’t beat yourself up because you don’t know what to say. Keep it simple. Say things like, “I’m so sorry, and I’m here for you.” Or, “If you need to talk, I am here.” As the saying goes, you have two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak. Be there to listen and console, and the rest will take care of itself.
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10. Love, Love, Love: With life stripped bare, I realized love was all that mattered. My heart was like an open wound, and I was fragile. I am so thankful for the people who loved me, in simple and quiet ways. Some knew me, and others were strangers. They showed me that there is more good in this world than bad. And the more love I let in, the closer I felt to Stephen’s spirit. If someone you know is hurting, give them oodles of love. Show them that love is all around them, and they are not alone.
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This article originally appeared on Maria Shriver.com.
This is exactly what its like. In my case it was my wife, not a child, but the process, the way it hits you, is the same. I recognise every bit of this.