Today, I want to take the focus off men for a bit and put it on women, specifically, female narcissists that I have encountered in the friendship space.
I have encountered a lot of narcissists in my life, too many in fact. I have met them in my personal life, at work, and even in social settings. I am an empath and some people believe that narcissists are attracted to empaths and vice versa. Other people believe that narcissists are equal opportunists who will go after anyone, empath or not.
Maybe it’s a little bit of both?
I was surrounded by narcissists growing up. At the time, the internet did not exist. I don’t even think the concept of narcissism was even known. You just thought that the way people behaved was their character and you learned to adapt to them.
I don’t know whether narcissists are born that way or whether they develop this personality disorder over time, but what I know is that they will open you up to a portal of pain you never knew existed.
Let’s just get into it.
1. They are friendly, very, very friendly- A female narcissist like her male counterpart is very charming. They have lots of friends. They will introduce you to other people and will also be looking to enter your network. They will love bomb you in the beginning. Like their male counterparts, they will do their own version of love bombing. They will pay you the loveliest of compliments. They will tell you they admire a trait or more about you. They will be very generous to you whether it’s with gifts, their time, attention, you name it. You will find out in time that they are using all of these opportunities to do a form of recon on you. They are getting to know you, your friends, and information that will be beneficial to them.
2. They have a harem– Related to the first bullet point, these women usually have a long list of male admirers and/or female friendships. They know a lot of people. There will be times you will wonder what criteria they use to select and retain their friendships and admirers because it would seem like anyone with a pulse is good for their network. What you will later discover is that all of these people-including yourself- are “supply” to the narcissist. They are keeping all of these people in their life to obtain a benefit from them or use them in some capacity in the future. They are also your potential replacements if you choose to leave them. If you ever come across someone like this, rather than admire this trait, be very, very, wary. Don’t rely on social proof to tell you that someone is good enough to be a friend.
3. You will feel like you’ve found the equivalent of a friendship soulmate– There will be a point in time when you will say to yourself that this is a great friend. This person would seem to be just right for you. They understand you very well, their interests align with yours and they enthusiastically want to be in your life. Be wary once you start to feel like this because what this means is that the narcissist has successfully mirrored you. Devaluation and discard will be forthcoming.
4. They will secretly compete with you– One of the shocking things about female narcs is that they will secretly be competing with you. You will find out in time that they are actually very envious of you and even hate you. It begs the question: Why befriend someone who you are envious of? It doesn’t make sense, but it makes sense to these evil people. They want to diminish you in some capacity. They may copy your dress style or try to get your position at work. They will compete to take your position among your friends, social groups e.t.c.
5. They will smear your name — Eventually, you will find out that this “friend” is smearing your name, either before the friendship ends or afterward. They will gossip about you to other people, share your secrets, and criticize your actions, but will smile in your face so you would be none the wiser… at first.
6. They will flirt with your man– If you have a boyfriend or any man you have expressed interest in, I guarantee you that they will flirt with him. They will attempt to “steal” him from you. No one or anything is sacred to them. They don’t believe in girl code. They are all about winning over you, which again begs the question of why they wanted to be friends in the first place. Now I know why some women hide their significant others. It’s because of women like this. These narcs could be married, or single, it does not matter. They will FLIRT WITH YOUR MAN and possibly sleep with him.
7. When they tire of you, they will leave you in a very callous manner– One of the hallmarks of narcissists is their callousness which you will only experience when it is too late. You will not believe this “friend” could treat you in this manner. Not every female friendship is meant to last forever and inevitably you will grow apart. In normal female friendships, when the friendship is ending, there would be some distancing, some drifting apart. You will experience pain, but nothing like what you would feel with a female narc. Female narcissists discard you. They just dump you one day or when you have what you consider to be a minor tiff or dare to set a boundary. It will give you whiplash. You will ask yourself, “Wasn’t this the person who wanted to hang out with me all the time?”. They will turn cold on you, and act like you don’t exist. You will not be able to believe it.
8. They will leave you with a lot of negative emotions– When a normal friendship ends, whether through growing apart or via a disagreement, even though you might be hurt, you would still maintain a good amount of self-esteem about yourself. When a friendship with a female narcissist ends, you will be filled with anger, resentment, bitterness, and disbelief. You will also feel not good enough and inferior. You will not be able to believe how this “friend” could discard you like that or “do you” like that. These bad people bring bad energy into your life.
9. No one will believe you- Anyone you tell about this narcissist’s behavior will likely not believe you, even if you present proof to them. Female narcissists are so good at fooling people and having a large circle of friends provides the social proof that most people use to believe that someone is a good person. Other people will instead accuse you of being jealous, bitter, or overreacting.
10. You will likely seek therapy or some form of counseling when it is over- Whether it is because of the callousness of the discard, seeing under their mask, hearing the gossip they shared about you, or finding out about the secret things they did in your absence, your faith in womanhood, girl power, and girl friendships will be destroyed. You will need time to regain that trust plus your sense of self again and therapy will help.
You will never be able to tell a female narcissist upfront. Furthermore, the existence of just one or a few of these characteristics in a woman does not a narcissist make. But watch out for patterns and someone who checks a lot of these characteristics.
Most importantly, check within. If you are with a female narcissist, there would come a time when you will feel some dissonance, specifically, as to how this great “friend” is also bringing so much pain to your life. Pay attention when you start to feel that and start making moves to depart the friendship.
Previously Published on Medium