Let’s just be clear: Red flags are warning signs that it’s completely possible to acknowledge — and ignore. There’s no requirement that we heed the signs. There are always going to be people — like me — who insist on learning things the hard way. We see the risks, and we think we’re a match for them.
Eventually, and it took a while, I got tired of making the same mistakes with different partners. I decided that I wanted to do something novel — to see the red flag as a deal breaker rather than a challenge. I became uncompromising in my standards, and as a result, my experiences changed.
13 Red Flags to Ignore at Your Own Risk
Red flags are similar to liability waivers. We acknowledge that engaging in a relationship with this person is a risk, and we accept responsibility for the consequences. We don’t usually sign a piece of paper saying so, but every time we see a red flag and choose to ignore it, that’s exactly what we’re doing. We’re accepting the risk, the responsibility, and — in our minds — the rewards.
1. The Little White Lie
Initial dishonesty might seem like a little white lie, but it’s actually an enormous red flag. The smoker who doesn’t disclose their habit because it’s listed as a dealbreaker. The “single” dater who hasn’t started divorce proceedings. We might be able to explain away their lack of transparency, but what we’re seeing here is that their relationship with the truth is a little too flexible.
What else might they be willing to lie about? A relationship that starts with deception might just end the same way. No one is perfect, but at a bare minimum, our partners should have a base level of integrity that includes honesty as a value.
2. The Self-Awareness Without Work
The partner who is aware of their flaws but has no intention of addressing them isn’t being honest and vulnerable. They are letting us know that we’re expected to do the work in the relationship. Any compromises will be one-sided. While it’s admirable to be self-aware enough to know our faults, it’s important that we at least have an intention to work on these issues within relationships.
The upfront disclosure is helpful, but it’s also a red flag. This isn’t someone stating that they know they have an issue and are doing what they can to work on it. This is someone saying — take me or leave me, but don’t ever expect me to lift a finger to make this relationship work. Without action, self-awareness is little more than words of warning.
3. The Bad Apple
One of the dumbest red flags I ever ignored was when I met a former partner’s family and friends, and they all made comments about how I had reformed him. At the time, I took it as a compliment. I made him want to be a better man, etc. But what I should have been doing was listening. They were telling me — without actually saying the words — that he had a bad reputation.
His actions over the years had shown everyone in his life that he wasn’t a person of honesty and integrity. They thought that him dating me was a vast improvement — but it wasn’t actually an improvement for me. Had I paid attention to these comments for what they were and not what I wanted to believe, I could have saved myself a world of heartache.
4. The Humor with Edge
Having a dark sense of humor isn’t necessarily a problem. Having a mean sense of humor, however, is a red flag. Believe me when I say that someone whose humor has a sharp edge will absolutely turn it against us at some point. It’s in their nature to do so.
Sometimes, I made excuses for jokes that seemed a little mean. He didn’t mean to be insensitive, or I took it the wrong way. To be fair, I was being gaslighted into believing that I was overreacting. Yet, my first impulse that it was unkind was the truth about that person. We can ignore a hateful sense of humor at our own peril.
5. The Faultfinder
An ex partner once told me that his expectations for his partners was always too high. They kept letting him down. What I didn’t realize that he was saying was that I was starting to disappoint him. His perfectionism was projected outward, and nothing I did would ever be good enough. I was dealing with a faultfinder who was always going to be looking for me to mess up.
I thought I was different froSubscribe to Commentsm his ex. Mostly because he told me that I was. What wasn’t different was him. When he began to poke at my flaws, I finally understood that this was a pattern of behavior. Rather than being accountable for himself and working on his perfectionism, he was always going to take it out on his partners.
6. The Collector
One red flag that I often ignored was the fact that some people are collectors. If we look at their friends list, it’ll be a bunch of prospective partners they’ve accumulated over the years. They orbit their spaces just in case the current relationship doesn’t work out.
These are the ones most likely to “micro-cheat” where they begin putting out feelers long before their relationship ends. They tend to collect possibilities — lining the bench in case the first-string picks don’t work out. The collectors often need the ego stroke, and if they begin to face challenges in their current relationship, their more likely to assume the grass is greener elsewhere. We’re never the only one they’re thinking about because they keep their options open.
7. The Ghost
Someone who has ghosted in the past will likely live to ghost again. They’ve shown that they are conflict avoidant to an extreme. In fact, if they tell us they’ll do anything to avoid conflict, it also means that they are capable of ghosting us to keep from having an uncomfortable conversation.
Listening to their history of past behavior matters. They’ve either learned from it, or they haven’t. Pay attention to their actions over their words. If they create distance in the relationship at any sign of conflict, they might be preparing to disappear.
8. The Loquacious Lover
Some partners talk a good game. They come out of the gate with plans for the future. They’re sure we’re The One, and they don’t bother to hide their strong feelings even if it seems like it’s too soon.
The truth is that the loquacious lover who gushes about their feelings for us is likely a love bomber with poor boundaries. They are caught up in infatuation and want to secure the relationship while we’re equally besotted. They don’t let the relationship develop organically because it could mean that one or both parties could change their minds. They are in love with the idea of love, and they don’t hold back when they think they’ve found it. It seems flattering, but it’s a warning sign.
9. The Devil’s Advocate
The person who is always arguing for the sake of it might seem like an intelligent partner, but perhaps they’re just querulous instead. They would rather invalidate our lived experience than let go of an opportunity to argue a point for argument’s sake. Not only is this an annoying habit, but it’s often one that shows a lack of respect and sensitivity.
I could write an entire essay on this point alone — and I have — but I’ll simply say that someone who always wants to argue the opposing point might not be the most supportive partner. They’re too busy trying to be right all the time or trying to poke holes in our reasoning. It’s one thing to have a lively discussion and quite another to forever have to argue our point for our feelings to be seen as valid.
10. The Fan of Filters
Although men do the lion’s share of complaining about filters in online dating, I can attest to the fact that men use them, too. Filters in dating profiles are a form of kittenfishing. It’s not as extreme as catfishing where we misrepresent ourselves entirely, but it does give a glossier impression than our real-life personas.
It’s the same as using an outdated photo to secure a date. We’re purposefully misrepresenting ourselves when we do this. Perhaps a person is insecure about their age, weight, or appearance in general, but the fan of filters is either broadcasting their insecurities or their willingness to manipulate others for their own gain. It’s not honest, and even if it isn’t malicious, it’s not fair to begin a relationship with deceit.
11. The Forever Victim
It’s giving incel vibes when a potential partner goes on at length about how he’s often denied a fair chance. There’s a touch of entitlement that pairs quite horribly with their forever victim mentality. They can tell us everything that’s wrong with every past partner, but they won’t say anything that even hints at personal accountability.
This is the kind of person who never forgives or forgets. Their entire point of view is skewed. They see other people as having wronged them, and they’ve absolved themselves of all responsibility for the outcomes of their relationships. They aren’t just clueless; they’re often dangerous because they cannot see themselves clearly.
12. The Nice Guy
Similiar to the forever victim, the perpetual nice guy (or person, as it were) has an outlandish sense of entitlement. They think that other people owe them something for their nice-ness. They see it as an exchange. They genuinely think that if they are nice to a date, that date should see them as a good match even if they aren’t compatible. Oftentimes, the nice guy and the forever victim are the same person.
In truth, there are nice guys in the world who are often overlooked, but they usually aren’t the ones telling everyone about it. Rather, they keep living their lives and looking for a good match without feeling like they’re owed one. The nice guy might seem like a good potential partner, but his entitlement alone is often a warning sign for the relationship.
13. The Misogynist
Although our thoughts might go first to men, there are also women who have nurtured a hate for their own gender. The misogynist can be anyone with an internalized hatred for women. We don’t always see this at first. It can come out in subtle ways.
For instance, they might slut or body shame a woman they see when we’re out. Their judgments of what’s right or wrong for another individual are problematic. I once dated a misogynist who had a lot to say about what women should or shouldn’t wear. I later noticed that he would make negative comments about any female star of a show. His constant criticism of women didn’t go unnoticed, but I dismissed them as separate instances at first — indications of ignorance, not of hate. But I was wrong. His view of other women would, naturally, impact his view of me. I was not immune to his harsh criticisms or negative, sexist assumptions.
Red Flag Warnings
Of course, many red flags are personal. I don’t want to date a smoker or someone who identifies as conservative or religious. A person with a trad wife mentality might be fine with a certain level of misogyny within a relationship whereas I would fine it abhorrent. Someone who enjoys an argument might find a conversation with a devil’s advocate stimulating rather than objectionable. Some of these aren’t universal and depend on preference, lifestyle, and culture.
But red flags exist for all of us. They are the warning signs of behavior that is not compatible with our lifestyles. They are indicators that the relationship isn’t right for us.
We can ignore them. I can give example after example of times I did — and lived to regret it. Or we can see them for what they are — information that lets us know that someone simply isn’t a good fit. Instead of assassinating their character, we can simply acknowledge that they aren’t right for us and move along. It frees them up to find a better match, and it frees us up to do the same.
If I’m honest, I ignored some red flags that I do not regret. I loved well, and if I lost out in the end, I still treasure those months of loving someone else wholly and without condition. But other times, looking back at red flags makes me want to build a time machine for the sole purpose of going back in time to knock some sense into myself. In those cases, the costs were not equal to the rewards. If I could undo them, I would.
Instead, I’m here — telling you what I should have told myself. Red flags are there for a reason. We can ignore them. But if we do, we’re basically co-signing an agreement to face the consequences — whatever they might be.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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