Teryn O’Brien wishes she’d understood the nature of grief before she went through her own, because understanding the nature of grief will offer new hope in sadness.
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After a year of grief, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also made some mistakes along the way. Today, I jotted down 15 things I wish I’d known about grief when I started my own process.
I pass this onto anyone on the journey.
♦◊♦
1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life willgo on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.
2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.
3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling.
4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.
5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living.
6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.
7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.
8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.
9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help.
10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.
11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?”
12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.
13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.
14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.
15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you.
What are things you’ve learned about grief that you wish you’d known when your loss first happened?
Originally appeared at IdentityRenewed.com
Photo: Flickr/Matt P.
I am grateful for this post- and two months after my brother’s suicide- I am still questioning everything.
After a cancer scare and a “barren” report of three months ago, I am finally taking time off to grieve.
Recommended viewing:
http://www.nfb.ca/film/griefwalker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2IhwsTtXzA&feature=youtu.be
12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal. I just wanted to say with this one, I think this is only true if you do it continuously. I have spoken to a few people about this and some found they started doing a new hobby as way of keeping thoughts out their heads for a little bit (a few hours, not days or weeks). I have started writing and the odd bit… Read more »
#14. It’s OK to ask for help. Grief is about letting your old ego self fade away and while that is happening, you will need a communal ego to hold you together until the new one is formed. Don’t think you can do grief alone! It takes a village to mend a heart…
4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.
Watch out for those Barbie cartoon movies, they can be a kicker when watching them with your kids. But it’s ok to laugh at yourself later for crying because of a cartoon.
Love this Luke!! If we still had a Comment of the Day section I’d nominate this!
Barbie: A Fashion Fairytale
“Get your inner sparkle on”
It’s about as corny as a Barbie movie gets but my daughter loves them 🙂
I can’t even remember which bit set me off on the weekend, somewhere around where they were trying to work out how to save the fashion house by Friday but before the fairies got kidnapped. I had to go outside for a smoke and I was sitting outside tears running down my face and I just started chuckling to myself thinking “Get your inner crazy on”