Neely Steinberg loves men. Below, she shares a list of qualities, actions, and moments that remind her why.
Recently I wrote an article for the Good Men Project about hook-up culture, in which Hugo Schwyzer and I disagreed about the effects of casual sex. It gained the attention of Susan Walsh, author of the blog Hooking Up Smart. She wrote a post about our contrasting opinions, and offered her thoughts as well. The comments section within her post grew quickly—as of today there are more than 1,000 responses. Reading through the feedback, I was struck by the disillusionment and disappointment among men with the content on the Good Men Project, a site whose very purpose is to bring issues of modern manhood to the forefront of national discussion.
One commenter on Walsh’s site wrote: “…the good men project inevitably implies that men are not basically good by default, but work has to be put in to making them that way, or in finding the exceptions who are.” Others agreed with the general sentiment that many of this site’s articles unfairly start with the basic premise that something is inherently wrong with men and men thus need to be socially engineered to become, well, good.
It was with this unfortunate perception in mind that I set out to create a list of things that I love about men. Pure and simple. No talk of feminism or slut shaming or gender depictions in the media or rape culture here—just an unadulterated tribute to men, a panegyric, a compilation of reasons to be thankful for the male species, in ways both big and small, superficial and profound, personal and professional. They are in no particular order, the creation of my stream of consciousness. I could have gone on for hours, but it’s my hope that you, Good Men Project readers, will add to this list, so that anyone who visits this site will see how much we appreciate and adore men and what they bring to our lives and the world. We can return to the heavier debates tomorrow. For now, let’s have a Kumbaya moment. Leave your reasons in the comments section, and let’s see what we can come up with together!
Here are mine:
- I love when a man puts his hand on the small of a woman’s lower back, as if to say, I’m here for you if you need me.
- I love when a man wipes away a woman’s tears or pushes a strand of her hair away from her face, tucking it lovingly behind her ear.
- I love how millions of men go off to work every day and then come home after long work hours to share in the housework and child-rearing.
- I love how men contribute hundreds of millions of dollars every year to charities in the U.S. and across the globe.
- I love when a man makes us feel like women.
- I love when a man waits patiently inside an elevator to let all the ladies out first.
- I love how a man who would go to the ends of the earth for a woman he loves.
- I love how a man who will rub his partner’s feet at the end of the day even though he’s had a hard day at work too.
- I love the men who so bravely and willingly risk their lives in service to our country and to protect us all.
- I love being Little Spoon.
- I love the way a man looks into his child’s eyes and loses himself.
- I love that men’s various discoveries throughout the ages (scientific, mathematical, medical, etc.) have made our lives easier.
- I love the way a man runs into the ocean like maniac.
- I love the shape of a man’s big, strong back when he leans over to pick up something heavy.
- I love when a man knows what to say and what not to say to make a woman happy.
- I love when a man tells a woman how lucky he is to have found her.
- I love the way a man takes a woman’s delicate hand, brings it to his lips, and kisses it gently, showing how much he adores her.
- I love when a man chows down on his food, as if only a 9.0 Richter Scale earthquake could shake him from his glorious feast.
- I love how a man in love thinks of his partner’s sexual pleasure before his own.
- I love a man who will do the jobs that most of us would never consider. Sewer inspector, anyone?
What do you have to add?
Reading some of these comments, the only conclusion that can be arrived at is that heterosexuals are lunatics, and it’s a minor miracle that you’re not all single.
I can write 40 things I love about women 🙂
for guys dont like this list, read this http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-love-men/
its better, and its shows how she love about men even when they didnt do anything to women, they just be themselves, they just a man!!!
read that, its so lovely….
doesnt mean i dont like this list by neely, but i really hope to find our qualities women like even hen we didnt do anything to women.
“I understand the appeal. There was a time in my life when I thought the world of people who didn’t clutter my life with their own needs or concerns for their own well-being; who did all the nasty, painful, dangerous and sacrificing tasks in life, while I got to remain protected, carefree and clueless. I got to live on a pedestal at the expense of others, and I didn’t have to consider the cost. Yes, I remember it clearly now. It was called childhood. It was a time that was, in retrospect, one of unending self-indulgence – provided by responsible… Read more »
Good point Patrick!I’ll have to try some of these for my subject lines as well ….Cheers,
“12. I love that men’s various discoveries throughout the ages (scientific, mathematical, medical, etc.) have made our lives easier.” – I am not sure what to think about this. I mean it is generally agreed upon by feminists that women weren’t/aren’t granted the same opportunities as men so they weren’t able to make as many discoveries as men. So I wonder what Neely meant by this?
I love when women don’t expect me to be subservient to them because of their gender out of some outdated non-existent chivalric responsibility. I love when a women doesn’t expect me to fit her unrealistic archetype of what “masculinity” is, especially because the very idea of it is similar to expecting the asian people in your life to be good at math… It’s a condescending stereotype that degrades those who don’t fit it by implying that they have something wrong with them. I love when women can take care of there own damn selves. Feminism brought a deserved power back… Read more »
I can’t help but notice two things. First, that the intent of this article was thoroughly undermined by the commentary. That said, I love the commentary for the most part. It was inspiring in various ways – as many ways as its directions varied I suppose. To respond to the article’s concluding request, however, I will add some things that I love about men. Though I am doing my best to make my contribution irrespective of gender or predilection, I’ll preempt: I am a hetero male. 21. I love that men are loyal to their friends, but also have the… Read more »
Though I just realized I missed many responses by not clicking “older comments,” I think much still applies. Sorry ’bout that though…
Hey Steinberg,
Andybob says, “I think Dr Elam is correct in surmising that Ms Steinberg is a plausable individual who is beginning to question feminist hypocricy, but who has yet to fully grasp the extent of the radfem horror so apparent to AVFM commenters.”
The work that you do on our part is appreciated.
Perseus.
I wish I could go to a magical place where women could be women and men men without all this messed up American feminist ideology gumming up society.
One more generation and marriage and courtship (and society’s future) will be truly dead and buried.
Hi, mjay. In my experience, that wonderful, “magical place” can be the intimate space shared by a couple who is in love. Reading these comments, I am unhappily surprised to see how deeply politics penetrates into some presumably private, intimate relationships, AS IF the range of possible feelings, thoughts, interactions and experiences is — and must be — always restricted within a political straightjacket. Such painfully self-conscious politics can be quite boringly dull, to the point of cliche. I believe Naomi Wolf — who has, herself, earned the feminist-awarded label, “feminist,” has written about this same topic, the contrast, in… Read more »
“As a heterosexual woman, I am definitely NOT anti-man!”
Noted. So, what does it mean to be anti-woman or anti-man? Is it being homosexual? If a person is heterosexual, does that mean that they are not anti-woman or anti-man?
I’ve noticed that feminists often accuse men how strongly disagree with feminism of being misogynists, despite the fact that most of those men are also heterosexual, which means that they cannot be anti-woman/misogynists – correct?
Hi, Eric. I see your point, and I appreciate your pointing out my misstatement. I definitely do not imagine that sexual orientation determines even a little bit whether one is a misogynist or a misanthrope or whatever the corresponding word would be. In fact, I’ve known gay men who were horribly misogynistic, and I’ve known straight men who were misogynistic, too. I also have a very dear gay friend who empathizes deeply with women, and I have the pleasure of being deeply in love with a straight man who is completely adoring towards me and the other women in his… Read more »
Liz, BTW, I too, am pro-women/girls – as a father of two daughters. However, I’m not a feminist (nor an MRA). Somehow, the feminist movement has never figured out how to strike that reasonable balance of being pro-women/girls without being anti-male. I know many people who are pro-women/girls but are not feminists because they want to strike a reasonable balance of being pro-whomever happens to need a hang/leg up at the time, while being able to switch to whomever else needs a hang/leg up the next time, or giving both a hang/leg up (e.g. whether it women, girls, boys, men,… Read more »
I hear you, Eric!
I often feel that good, worthy term “feminist” has been hijacked and held for some sort of blood ransom!
I consider myself very much a feminist because I am pro-woman, pro-girls.
However, as a heterosexual woman and the mother of a wonderful son, too, I am also decidedly pro-man.
What’s more, I am staunchly pro life — same as another notable feminist, Susan B. Anthony!
“Reading these comments, I am unhappily surprised to see how deeply politics penetrates into some presumably private, intimate relationships …
The Personal is Political !!! Go Team Vagina – oo-Ra !
Surprised? WTF?
Hi, Perseus.
I’m guessing from your remark you are a woman.
I am interested, too, in knowing whether you are straight, bi, or lesbian.
If you would not mind sharing your sexual orientation, I would be grateful as I try to understand your point of view.
For example, I’m curious about why a person of any gender or sexual orientation would wish to have an intimate relationship with a person with whom they also have an antagonistic relationship.
Thx in advance for your insights on this question.
Sincerely,
Liz
Hello Liz,
Straight, according to my sex drive, so biology I guess is the answer to your curiosity as to ‘why’. Is that surprising? If so, how?
Thanks
Perseus,
Whomever you are and whatever your sexual preferences may be, your remarks appear to intentionally obfuscate.
If you are not interested in straightforward communication in response to straightforward questions, fine. You can, of course, continue talking to yourself or directing your messages to whomever may “get” your coded meanings, if any.
Project much?
What part of ‘straight’ don’t you understand?
Btw, bad guess, I’m not a woman.
BTW, I’m not intrigued by your confusion.
Liz, what confusion are you talking about? You assumed I’m a woman, I said you’re wrong.
I’m sorry for butting in, but I must. There is a difference between liking someone and wanting to have sex with them. There is a difference between wanting to have sex with someone and wanting to get to know them as a person. This is especially true for men. Oftentimes a someone will see whats on the outside and have sex with it and not really care what’s on the inside. Once again, this is particularly true when it comes to men. I’m a man basher, and I’m not currently not in a relationship. Id be open to one with… Read more »
Alice, If you insist on maintaining that point of view it is very unlikely that you will find anything more than the men that you have already run into and experienced. You can only find something exceptional if you are expecting that something exceptional can be there in the first place. An exceptional man has the self respect to realize that he will not put up with a man-basher. From my experience, you’re right about the fact that a lot of men will talk big and give the impression that all they want is sex, when inside, most men I… Read more »
Hi kckrupp,
I see where are you coming from, but it doesn’t change the fact that men are the way they are.
I think men still want activity partners or whatever, but they still will go out and look for the next thing to chase. I also think that men define love very differently from the a lot of women.
mjay,
Let’s not forget that men are partially to blame. Men don’t value courtship and all that stuff unless it’s to get laid. But then again this is how feminists like things- just read Betty Friedan.
I am a feminist, and my husband is everything the list portrays. Wonderful!!!! He says I am the love of his life and I treat him terrific. Being a feminist only means equal opportunity. Hopefully one day you will find the love of your life without outdated dreams of a past where no one was happy.
Very nice article Ms. Steinberg. I don’t get some of the negative comments though. I found your article as well as your reasons for plublishing it to be as I would say “Quite Refreshing”. I agree that sometimes a break is needed from all the Male Privilage/Female Privilage/Rape Culture/MRA/Feminisim/etc..etc… and I do thank you for sharing your appreciation of men.
I really appreciate #20. A month ago I went to the wake of a co-worker killed on the job (I work in heavy construction and he was killed by a hit and run while fixing a truck on the side of the road). It was the seventh one I’ve gone to (3 of them were in their last year before retirement). Other than police or firefighters, I wonder how many can claim to have that many people die on their job?
@ Always Sunny: “This should make feminists happy since the destruction of marriage and family has been a stated goal of feminism for the last 40 years.”
Guess again. Feminism is concerned with the problem of domination, and unfortunately, that extends out far beyond marriage and into the overall gender structure. Plenty of feminists marry and have kids (and report significantly more satisfying romantic and sexual lives), and plenty of anti-feminists don’t marry and have kids. It’s not a split issue.
If feminist are concerned that women are dominated in America then they need to find a new hobby. That simply isn’t today’s reality and the few examples of that behavior you could come up with could easily be countered by examples of women dominating men. Now if the issue is men in positions of power I think the fear of that is as irrational as men fearing women in positions of power. We should not presume either gender is inherently sexist and out to get us. Feminist did attack marriage as a oppressive patriarchal institution so it is fair to… Read more »
Paul, I actually agree with Always Sunny. Feminists have planned to destroy the family because they view it as an impediment to women’s success. If you go back a couple decades you’ll even find books where they extol the virtues of living in the ghetto. They like “da hood” because black women work and black men are less likely to be sufficiently employed. Yes, black women outearn white women, but black women are also less likely to get married. Black women as a whole have about a 50% abortion rate, yippee!!! What were going into is the Soviet/ghetto system. Ok… Read more »
Nothing you wrote is acrually true.
Black women do not outearn white women.
Black women do not have a “50% abortion rate.”
Youre a racist as well as a misogynist. Congrats.
The fact remains that the things Neely loves about a man almost exclusively involve his utility to her. Love isn’t just what you get but what you give. If I made a list it wouldn’t have just the things about her character or things she does for me but also the things that I give to her. Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a willingness to obligate yourself to another human being. We see that men are willing to obligate themselves in very powerful and longterm ways. Yet there isn’t a single obligation that a woman has that she can’t… Read more »
Her list isn’t about what makes a loving relationship, it’s not a bird’s eye view of how men & women interact. It’s some things she appreciates about men. In many ways, it’s probably how women would love to be appreciated by men, but as we communicate differently & interpret words differently, it’s not well received by men. You’ll notice, she is not using the word love in the sense of falling in love with a man. She is expressing appreciation to a group of people, living & dead, known & unknown. Every obligation men have can and are disregarded on… Read more »
Always Sunny,
Oh please. Like I said before, most of what men like about women is superficial and physical, so what’s the point of getting one’s panties in a wad over this post?
Are you telling me if men made a list of what they love about women, nothing on it would reflect what’s valuable/useful/convenient for them?
Of course why am I arguing with a woman-hating MGTOW. Smdh
@ Lisa Hickey: I appreciate your taking time to respond to my comment. I agree that seeking a wider audience isn’t a bad thing. I think it’s quite a good thing! I also think that widening the audience while silencing the minority voice mitigates the value of content your readers, who have gained so much from GMP in the past. And while your marketing direction may or may not see the minority voice as compromising the appeal of mainstream gender discussion, it can’t ethically deny the urgency of its counterarguments. Many of the biggest gains I’ve gotten from the GMP… Read more »
All of you reacting badly to this piece need therapy! Wow! I wonder if people would react the same if the author had used the word “appreciate” instead of love. Just because you love someone’s selflessness, that doesn’t make you selfish. Just because you love when people put you first doesn’t mean you don’t often put them first.Just because you love certain qualities in men doesn’t meant that you don’t also see & love those qualities in other women. I know selfish people VERY well, they don’t LOVE selfless qualities in others, they take them for granted, expect them, or… Read more »
Neely I appreciate the motive behind this article, in your words to create “just an unadulterated tribute to men”. I believe lots of the male commentors have probably responded badly because it is very much a list of men doing something (in many cases for women) rather than being something in and of themselves. Maybe if these are the things that come from “the creation of my stream of consciousness” then you should have a look at how you view men. In the spirit of the article I’ll leave some of additional reasons that I feel might go on the… Read more »
Hi Matt, That was a lovely, well-thought-out comment. I appreciate it; thank you. My intention, of course, was to post a list of reasons I appreciate men, in big and small ways, which I thought was pretty innocent and lighthearted. But I think it is a reasonable question to ask me to view how I view men based on the things I listed. I can say with all honesty, though, that I don’t view men as being in service to women at all. I think women and men should be in service to each other. I think my boyfriend could… Read more »
Hi Neely, Thankyou for your response; I think men do enjoy giving and even though there is an argument “we give so that we recieve (sex etc)” I personally think that is bullocks. I think a lot of men give in a relationship because it is a way we show love rather than emoting our feelings. Do you feel that in many ways your list could be instead condensed down to 3 points of male being? Their empathy, kindness and generosity, maybe if the list had been constructed in that fashion there wouldn’t have been some of the negative responses… Read more »
Wow, that’s quite a list, I don’t think I’m man enough. I suppose everyone is different and maybe I have too many expectations of women too. People really do appreciate being appreciated. Is anyone going to take a shot at writing an article about women? I love when a women makes an effort to take the load off my back for all the responsibility and effort. I love a woman in work boots doing hard labor. I love when a woman mows my lawn and picks weeds while I’m taking care of the kids and making dinner. I love when… Read more »
I love it when a woman gets out of the car to help change a tire. I love it when a woman reaches for her purse to pay her way. I love it when a woman hears “no” and accepts it with grace. I love it when a woman takes responsibility for her own feelings, bad or good. I love it when a woman embraces my need for things in my life that do not involve her. I love it when a woman solves problems in a relationship with reason and fairness. I love it when a woman takes responsibility… Read more »
Amen, brother!
Maybe you’re an avid reader of A Voice For Men…then again maybe you’re not, but I couldn’t have put it better than Mr. Paul Elam when he said the following in response to your article: “I understand the appeal. There was a time in my life when I thought the world of people who didn’t clutter my life with their own needs or concerns for their own well-being; who did all the nasty, painful, dangerous and sacrificing tasks in life, while I got to remain protected, carefree and clueless. I got to live on a pedestal at the expense of… Read more »
What I find utterly shocking about this list is the lack of the mention of manhood. The physical kind, found betwitxt the legs of men. Surely to God women in general and this lady in particular love men for that don’t they/ doesn’t she?
Or maybe that’s what she meant by “I love when a man makes us feel like women.”
Dang, confused again…
Sigh… It sure is tough being this dumb…
@wet_suit_one: “The physical kind, found betwitxt the legs of men.”
Mhh… probably has been thought about it. But it was not PC. 😉
PC-ness ruins all the fun. 😀
@wet_suit_one: “It sure is tough being this dumb…”
It’s not dumbness, dude, it’s the communication that’s though stuff. 🙂
Check out this article: “Words Are A Very Poor Tool For Communication”
https://goodmenproject.com/comment-of-the-day/words-are-a-very-poor-tool-for-communication/
True, no room for truth in this mordern world is there?
So it goes….
I feel that these comments are relevant to the posted aritcle and they don’t belong segregated in an alternative forum at the expense of an additional viewpoint that threatens the author’s omniscience about ‘masculinity’. To do so in the absence of any real trolling activity, to me, seems like a political move to mainstream the content of the GMP and marginalize the minority position, as has been done ubiquitously over the last 50 years in gender discussion. What once gave the GMP its unique voice and authentic value appears to be in the process of being dumped in favor of… Read more »
Paul, I agree with you. I believe all comments should be welcomed. It’s my understanding that the author of an article has a say in what he or she wants for his or her published pieces, but I’m not totally sure how it will work. If it is up to me, I do not plan not to censor anyone’s feedback.
Thanks for your comment!
Neely
Paul — thanks for your POV. I do think we can have contributions to a revolutionary point in history. And while I also agree we are seeking an audience that is wider, I can’t possibly see how that could be a bad thing. We’re looking to be not just the “enlightened few” that talk back and forth to each other, but a community that embraces newcomers and learns from their perspectives. Same too, with the idea of creating a parallel thread or forum area — it’s to create more conversation not less, more comments not fewer, more provocative discussions in… Read more »
Thanks for this. GMP is starting to find a new and more assertive voice.
This piece needs some serious proofreading at the sentence level. “I love how a man who will…” Really?
That aside, I understand and share Steinberg’s love of men, but this piece leaves out so many valuable males. What about homosexual men? Or disabled men? Parts of this post seem to laud straight, able-bodied men exclusively. Lifting things and rubbing your girlfriend’s feet? That’s all well and good, but not exactly new territory. I’ll just add to the list: I admire men who thrive in the face of adversity.
@Rword: “but this piece leaves out so many valuable males” Oh please! Nobody can ever please everybody. The piece was from a heterosexual woman and dedicated to the men she loves. Should we write anything mentioning every possible variation, inclination and hypothesis? Should we write always mentioning every possible disability? C’mon! How absurd is that?!? We don’t expect an LGBT writer to always consider all the different inclinations. And rightly so. So why an hetero should? @Rword: “Parts of this post seem to laud straight, able-bodied men exclusively” And so what? Can’t the author have her own taste? Don’t everybody… Read more »
Definitely not whining, just an observation. I’m just saying that there is more to what it means to be a man than this mere list. The writer herself even acknowledged this and wanted commenters to add items to the existing list. I think it’s important to acknowledge the experiences of men who don’t fit the stereotypical model of masculinity, and this piece doesn’t really do that. I, too, am a hetero woman, so I understand where Neely is coming from, to a point. It’s just not exactly new territory, as other commenters have pointed out. Not all criticism is tinged… Read more »
But RWord, you did exactly what I was hoping people would do with this piece. My experience with men, for the most part, has been what you see above and that’s what is reflected in my list – that’s what I pulled from. I posted several things that I love about men. I then invited others to write what they love about men, realizing that my view is not all-encompassing. You say you “could mention one of your best friends, a man who is gay, biracial, and a drag queen.” And so you did, which is what I wanted readers… Read more »
It would take a very strong back to lift that pedestal you live on. Pray tell, what should men love about a woman? I already know but I’m interested to find out what you think. What is their utility?
I agree Crescendo.
Neely was posting what she loved about men, others were free and welcome to post what they loved about men
Oh wow, Rword, thank you. Point taken. I am cringing at my error. I was rattling them off as I typed them and did not do the necessary proofreading. Ugh.
Sometimes we writers miss these things. I suppose I was caught between “I love a man who will … ” and “I love how a man will … ” and then forgot to delete the extra word. I appreciate being called out for that, though; it will make me be more careful next time. Thanks for your comment and feedback. 🙂
Best wishes,
Neely
No problemo. I currently do proofreading and copy-editing for a print publication, so I just have an eye for that stuff. Always harder when it’s your own work, of course, as your brain sort of reads what it thinks you’ve said, not what’s actually on the page (or screen.)
I loved your comment, but if you’re a proof reader you’d know that problema is a female noun.
Well, I generally read English texts, so… not necessarily. Thanks for the compliment, though.
Problema is actually male. In Spanish, it’s “el problema,” not “la problema.” Most Spanish nouns ending in “-ma” take the masculine.
The more you know! 🙂
Yeah, this list is pretty sub-par. You love men for acting in the way society tells everyone that men SHOULD act. Have some creativity. As a man, I’m not impressed with your observations.
Oh, and FYI: I love being little spoon.
@tendrecroppes
By beau is more than six feet tall, and he makes a fine “lil spoon,” too!
I love when a person puts hir hand on the small of hir partner’s lower back, as if to say, I’m here for you if you need me. I love when a person wipes away hir partner’s tears or pushes a strand of hir hair away from hir face, tucking it lovingly behind hir ear. I love how millions of people go off to work every day and then come home after long work hours to share in the housework and child-rearing. I love how people contribute hundreds of millions of dollars every year to charities in the U.S. and… Read more »
What is a “hir” and a “ze?”
Regardless, this is just silly. It’s true that some of these can and should be gender-neutral but some of them simply aren’t, realistically. For example, I have worked extensively with my County’s sewer line maintenance department and waste management departments and there were no women even applying to physically deal with waste. They are certainly free to but few if any were even interested.
And, I am seriously not into women with “big strong backs.” But, if that’s your thing, not knock yourself out.
It would be hard to find a woman with a big strong back too. Even women who know how to work out acknowledge that women aren’t very muscular or physically strong.