We’re living in strange times. The world seems to be fragmented in a myriad of ways. From the global pandemic, to concerns about the environment, the climate crisis, and the overall state of the planet, to what feels like the incessant killing of minorities by law enforcement officials who took an oath to protect them, it’s no colloquialism to say there’s a lot going on right now. Sadly, most of these happenings have created a clear divide between people of all walks of life.
There are those who believe the COVID-19 spread is a hoax, manufactured in a government lab as a means of population control. Others on the frontlines of the hospitals and medical institutions where countless individuals have been admitted with this insidious virus scoff at such claims. Then there are those who point to the rising temperatures in places such as Antarctica as evidence global warming exists, while others continue to dismiss any such claims that nature’s landscape is rapidly changing for the worst. And when it comes to race, specifically black lives and their place in American society, some stand behind black lives matter, while others subscribe to the phraseology all lives matter, a veiled attempt to dismiss the importance of the latter phrase.
Regardless of where you stand on any of these polarizing topics, there is a topic of conversation that seems to apply to all, or most, of humanity: dating. Everyone or, at the very least, every person I’ve ever encountered yearns to be in an intimate relationship of some capacity, one chock-full of real love, passion, transparency, and trust, among other qualities. Relationships like these may be the antidote to most of the chaos in the world; it’s quite difficult to commit any heinous acts of terrorism or violence with genuine people in your corner who fill you up with ample amounts of unadulterated love. That’s why dating and dates are so important; they’re the first step toward building a relationship of this caliber.
Unfortunately, I have heard countless individuals with sob stories from first dates gone awry for a plethora of reasons. Toward the beginning of my own dating life, no strategy I tried garnered the desired effect from any of the dates I went on. I was rarely able to go on a second date, leading to prolonged moments of loneliness. Then, after growing up some and maturing, I made an important realization. Rather than strategizing, playing games, or being manipulative, I could just be me and let the cards fall where they may. I threw strategy out the window. And that changed everything. I learned what not to do on first dates through the process of becoming comfortable with being myself.
As I navigate the intricate landscape that is the world of dating, it has been helpful for me to avoid these three behaviors during a first encounter with a potential significant other.
1) Pretending to be someone you’re not in order to impress your date.
Amongst my millennial generation, this is commonly referred to as “boosting.” It’s when you feel the need to exaggerate anything, or everything, you’ve ever accomplished. Oftentimes, this stems from an inner belief that you aren’t enough or don’t have enough to offer. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If someone agrees to go on a date with you, it’s because they’re interested. They like you for you and the genuine energy or “vibes” you put out into the world. So, with this in mind, how likely do you think it is that you’ll be able to fake who you are on a first date without raising any suspicion? People are intuitive creatures; we can pick up on the auras of those around us with relative ease. It’s hard to come back from a bad first impression, especially if it’s due to exaggerating. Personally, I was caught red-handed on a date pretending to be a more prolific athlete than I really was. Looking back, I realized it’s very challenging to maintain lies in the face of what feels like scrutiny, especially when that scrutiny was coming from someone whose approval mattered to me – someone I was interested in dating. A second date never happened with that lovely young lady. I can’t blame her.
2) Lying. This goes hand-in-hand with the first point.
Some way say it’s the same thing, but I beg to differ. Exaggerations stretch the truth; lies are devoid of any truth. Seems pretty straightforward, but you’d be surprised at how often lies are told on first dates in an attempt to impress or appear “equally yoked” with someone that may feel out of your league. A wise man once said “a relationship that starts in dishonesty can never end in honesty.” I’ve held onto that phrase ever since hearing it. It’s hard to build a stable relationship foundation if a lack of honesty and transparency take precedent over ushering in vulnerability and the truth. Whenever you’re considering telling a lie to someone you’re on a date with, ask yourself these simple questions: what kind of foundation do you want to lay with a future life partner? One that’s riddled with lies told to impress, or one built with a clear conscience, knowing that on a deep, visceral level, the person you’re with loves you for you? It’s hard to know that when lies are told. Do your psyche a favor – be upfront and honest about who you are.
3) Talking about yourself more than you ask questions.
This may not seem like a big deal but, in hindsight, it can be. People love talking about themselves, but people also love being asked questions, especially when on a first date. It shows (1) a genuine interest in the person you’re with and (2) an ability to hold and maintain a stimulating conversation. Do you remember the last time you felt as if you were in the company of someone who was enamored with you? That’s the feeling you want anyone you go on a date to feel all throughout. It’s important to share about yourself as well, but not to the point where your date appears disinterested, nodding along appropriately, but with an aura of energy that feels forced. No one likes suffering through what feels like a bad date, even if it’s done out of common courtesy. Talking too much about yourself can lead to this. Think about the flow of conversation between the two of you as a seesaw; it should be to the point where, if your contributions were weighed out, they’d balance the seesaw out perfectly. It doesn’t hurt to allow some wiggle room in their favor, but you should never tip the scale in your own.
Through a robust trial and error process, I have learned what not to do on a first date. Applying these three focal points to your approach to future dates does not guarantee that there will be a second date. It does, however, guarantee that if there is, it’s because of WHO YOU ARE, not WHAT YOU HAVE or anything else that lacks substance. At the end of the day, deep down inside, isn’t that the type of person we all desire to be with?
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