3 Differences You Need To Know To Help Prevent Dead-end Relationships

You have been here before: met someone new and exciting, hit it off for a few weeks or months, but ended up unhappy and yet again, single. Everything was going fine, but in the back of your head, you knew you were not happy. You often review your relationships by noting what went right and wrong, but you’re bypassing fundamental values your relationships are missing.

You have possibly misevaluated and incorrectly labeled the fundamental values you perceived being at the core of your issues.

We often create a bag of red flags and signs to look out for and recognize. By asking yourself tough questions surrounding your feelings, you can avoid these pitfalls and avoid the cycle of dead-end relationships.

The good news is that you can make adjustments before another relationship is “a failure.” These are not irreparable differences but signs to note so you can communicate to yourself and your partner when these “red flags” occur.

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Lust vs Infatuation

When you begin dating, you often fall into the trap of lust. You assume that this gorgeous person automatically comes paired with high-level qualities like trustworthiness, respect, and compassion. What did this person do to earn these titles? Instead of chasing after the hope of someone, focus your energy on infatuation leaving room for growth.

Lust will leave you chasing and let down when your assumptions do not come true. Infatuation is your initial feeling of interest but leaves room for a prospective partner to prove themselves.

Don’t let physical pleasures override personal needs. Write a list out of qualities you want from a partner, and once you have met a person of interest, answer what they have done to meet those needs. Does this attractive person make you think on a deeper level? Do they help you heal from your traumas? On a lighter note, do they get you out of your shell and introduce you to new things?

When you let lust overrule infatuation, you will force your mind to feel like you have to earn this person rather than them you. You will allow bad behavior into your dating life by desperately wanting your illusion to become true.

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Sacrifice vs Effort

You’ve heard that relationships take sacrifice your whole life, but I have to break some unfortunate news to you; you did not get the full truth. Have you ever felt resentment in your relationship by sacrificing your lifestyle to adjust to your partner’s needs? There is a difference between sacrifice and effort, and it is the difference between you feeling happiness and pain. If you sacrifice without receiving in return, you will have nothing by the end. An effort is a positive input by both partners for a better result- Compromise.

It is hard to decipher the difference between sacrifice and effort, but I will give you an example of each using the same scenario.

You and your partner do not live together. One partner has a car while the other does not. To see each other, it would be convenient for the person with the car to come over to the other partner’s house so the couple can spend time together.

A Sacrifice going unreturned would look like the person with the car driving over on their dime, changing their nighttime routine, and driving to work in the morning sitting in traffic because their route has changed. An effort by both partners looks like the partner without a car returning the favor by purchasing gas, coming to the car owner’s home more often than not, and taking the bus to work after.

We often grow resentment when sacrifice goes unreturned. It is also not necessarily apparent when resentment has festered in us. It comes out as passive-aggressiveness, lack of energy, and anger.

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Love language vs Attachment style (not being met)

You hear that the key to understanding your role in a partnership is understanding your needs via your love language, but that is not the complete truth. While it plays a role in your preferences and desires, your needs come from your attachment style, which developed in your childhood.

Our love languages recognize our personal needs (giving/receiving) while our attachment styles answer our emotional needs. When you have discovered your needs in both fields, your communication with your partner will grow.

I have seen a trend of people digging into their love languages without understanding their attachment style. The importance of the difference is that our love language determines how we give and receive love, but our attachment style determines how we respond due to how we observed love in our childhood.

Attachment styles

Secure -comfort in vulnerability, viewed loving relationships in childhood
anxious preoccupied- fear abandonment, constantly seek connection
dismissive-avoidant-Enjoy independence, feel pressure in relationships
fearful-avoidant- hot and cold, confused about feelings, avoid connection

5 love languages

words of affirmation- expressing affection through words and appreciation
gift-giving/receiving- symbolic displays of love through items or actions
acts of service- kind acts that show care and appreciation
quality time- attention/time with an undistracted partner
physical touch- love from physical affection aside from just sex

If you understand attachment style, it could change your perspective on love language. For example, have you ever thought a partner was needy when it comes to time and attention? You might feel that their love language is quality time as a result. If they knew their “neediness” came from their anxious-avoidant attachment style, they would know that was the true root of this quality. Also, in detecting the core of neediness through their attachment style, you might have the epiphany that words of affirmation are their love language.

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I’ve struggled to comprehend the differences above in my past. They have led to me handing out creditability and value without getting to know somebody. They have caused me to identify needs in relationships incorrectly. They have also been the root of frustration I’ve had with a partner that grew into resentment.

Would I have dodged every bullet that came my way? Nope. Would I have had an understanding of what was not working before it “blew up?” Yes.

Understanding the differences, for me, was not about looking in the past with shame about every relationship I could have saved. It was about growth moving forward. It was about having the ability to be vocal and communicate needs. Most importantly, it was about recognizing that the world isn’t full of heavily flawed people. We all have different backgrounds that result in who we are today.

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