3 Green Flag Behaviors Every Healthy Relationship Needs

After a history of toxic relationships, I became an expert at detecting red flags in potential partners. Online dating mostly involved weeding out all the undesirable options, only to find that doing so eliminated all options. I wasn’t being overly critical. I was just paying attention for the first time in my life instead of making up excuses and ignoring the signs.

But only looking at red flags can leave us jaded. Based on my experience alone, one could conclude that there is no hope. It’s all a waste of time. And yet, that wasn’t the conclusion that I drew.

Green Flag Behaviors Every Relationship Needs

As I sorted through red flags, I also noticed plenty of green ones. Just because a potential partner isn’t right for me and my life doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t make a wonderful partner for someone else. I could observe the good qualities while noting the ones that wouldn’t work for me. Ideally, we’ll find a partner who has all the green flag qualities that make the relationship worth the inherent risk of love.

Consistency

One of the primary green flag qualities I’ve observed in relationships is consistency. It’s important to have a partner who can show up for us regularly without making us wonder if we’ve been ghosted or sidelined for a better option. It sounds simple, but a potential partner who regularly responds to texts and phone calls and can be counted on to show up when they say they will is showing a serious green flag for a healthy relationship.

This quality alone is no guarantee, but consistency usually tells us that someone is truly interested in pursuing a relationship. It’s a healthy quality for any partner to have, and it’s also important in our platonic and familial relationships — not just the romantic ones. While mental health and other concerns can act as a roadblock to consistency, good communication can keep us informed and avoid misunderstanding.

Communication

Everyone communicates. Many people communicate poorly. A green flag for a potential partner is when they are capable of healthy and effective communication within the relationship.

This will show up when they confront conflict head-on — assertively, not aggressively. When they can talk through problems without avoiding them, we understand that this is a person who can weather the difficult times with us. They are also capable of apologizing and owning up to their mistakes because we’re all human and we all make them at some point in our relationships.

Partners with this green flag can communicate clearly and are willing to clarify things to avoid a misunderstanding. We know where we stand with them because they speak up and tell us. They are honest, but they are also kind.

Kindness

Kindness is extremely underrated. I’m not talking about the typical “nice guy” who is only being nice in hopes of getting laid. I’m talking about the kind person who is friendly to waitstaff and holds the door open for whoever is coming in next — regardless of gender. They consider other people, and they make an effort to help when possible.

It’s not just about how they treat us. Most people will be kind to the person they hope to date. It’s how they treat everyone — family members, friends, colleagues, and people in the service industry. Kindness stands out as a high-quality green flag trait in any relationship.

Green Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Go

The truth is that I’ve met some potential partners who were consistent, capable of effective communication, and unfailingly kind. I recognized and appreciated those traits. That doesn’t mean I should have developed a relationship with them.

Some red flags aren’t due to toxic behaviors but to incompatibility. I matched with one person on an app who had many green flag behaviors, but didn’t want animals in his life. I have cats, a dog, bunnies, and chickens. I will likely acquire more. I’m not a good match for someone who doesn’t love animals.

I live in a small town, and I love it. I’ve met many good men who simply don’t want to live this far from a city. They like their city life, and I like to visit the city but not live directly in it. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people or that I am somehow superior. It just means we don’t want the same type of lifestyle.

I stopped trying to make an attractive, kind person fit into my lifestyle, and I stopped trying to squeeze myself into theirs. Instead, I communicate honestly about who I am, what I want, and the kind of relationship I’m looking for if I ever choose to leave behind my single status. When partners communicate honestly with me, we’re able to avoid lengthy emotional entanglements and know early on if we have a snowball’s chance in hell of making a go of it.

The problem comes in when we aren’t honest about what we want or change what we want to make it fit their criterion — or when they do. This leads to all sorts of heartbreak and feelings of betrayal. Unfortunately, green flags alone cannot hold an incompatible relationship together, but it’s also true that without these key green flags, a relationship cannot be anything but toxic.

We need consistency, communication, and kindness. Every relationship should have these qualities at a bare minimum. This isn’t an unreasonable standard. It’s a baseline and a good foundation to build a strong relationship if other factors align.

I don’t think dating is a waste of time, no matter how many partners I’ve eliminated as options along the way. I don’t expect everyone to be my cup of tea any more than I expect to be theirs. That’s not the point. The point is connection and being open to finding someone who checks all the boxes — and maybe a few we didn’t anticipate.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.