Are you in a relationship where one partner can be distant while the other desires to be close to form a connection?
The desire or lack thereof for space can be uncomfortable for either partner.
Your dynamic can feel personal to you, but it is more likely rooted in your attachment style.
The dynamic we are speaking about is the dismissive-avoidant (Dating this attachment style) & anxious-preoccupied (Dating this attachment style) paring.
If you are new to my writing, a quick summary of the dismissive-avoidant is someone who enjoys their independence and can feel pressure with the fast pace of an evolving relationship. The anxious partner fears abandonment and seeks a close connection with their partner.
While I recommend every couple consistently works on their attachment style and relationship dynamic, it is essential for this paring to survive. The reason is that each attachment style’s behaviors are extremely triggering to the other (dismissive-avoidant Triggers, Anxious Triggers,).
There are many pieces to every dynamic that take consistent work for the paring to survive but let’s take a closer look at what a good strategy is for this couple.
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Vulnerability
You might feel like expressing feelings can leave you on opposite sides of the spectrum when you are in this dynamic.
Here is how your dynamic breaks down
- As the anxious preoccupied, you constantly think about how you feel and want your partner to be an outlet and listen to your thoughts as they arise.
- As the dismissive-avoidant, you don’t immediately know how you feel and need time to process your feelings.
There is a trigger that flares when you two are in this situation.
While a dismissive avoidant isn’t necessarily emotionless, tapping into feelings can be difficult.
They are not used to a warm response to feelings. They also see vulnerability as a weakness instead of empowering.
The anxious-avoidant is nearly the polar opposite and can become consumed with their feelings until a resolution occurs.
Feelings only increase in magnitude as time goes on.
So, how do you meet in the middle?
The best way for this dynamic to meet in the middle is to address the issue upfront without a demand that feelings be shared.
That way, the anxious-avoidant has some relief that it is a talking point while allowing the dismissive-avoidant time to think.
That is not a free pass for the dismissive-avoidant. It has to come with a deadline. After that deadline, talk through your feelings about a situation.
Speak about issues while omitting the word “you.” That way, the conversation isn’t accusatory.
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Space
There is a common theme you will see throughout this article.
Both of these attachment styles have a strong feeling about space.
- The dismissive-avoidant enjoys their independence and will withdraw to being alone when they feel pressure.
- The anxious-avoidant sees space as someone moving away from them and not valuing their connection. Their instinct is to close that gap.
This combination can work like oil and water and completely separate this pairing since their perception of space is directly triggering for the other partner.
The last thing that would be considered healthy for this dynamic is space. It feels very intrusive to approach a dismissive-avoidant during “alone” time, and it can feel like complete abandonment for the anxious individual.
For this dynamic to survive, there must be a clear understanding of what space means for the other individual and the boundaries surrounding those needs.
I suggest that the dismissive-avoidant allow the other partner to be present during your alone time. Space can be under the same roof and room.
The anxious individual must go back to step one and create a deadline or timetable that respects their needs also.
Again, there must be an understanding of what space means to the other person. A conversation about what you initially feel is necessary before you go. The result has to be developmental and not an isolated need.
That initial conversation can be a task for dismissive-avoidant. The goal of this isn’t for you to be comfortable and skip into the sunset without making changes.
There are trade-offs, and you should express a feeling to allow the anxious partner to give you space.
Once you have created that deadline, do not hound the dismissive-avoidant, although you want to close that gap. It will build trust and close the gap if you can avoid doing so. The DA wants to reconnect too.
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Conflict resolution
The pillars above are the ingredients to the cake of the third pillar.
The pairing can have lingering views when a conflict arises.
- The inconsistency in a relationship can cause the dismissive-avoidant to lose trust in their partner and tarnish their view of the relationship.
- The time it takes to resolve issues can make the anxious individual feel abandoned and alone.
The dynamic will only be successful if there is a clear understanding of the other partner’s needs and boundaries.
While that seems obvious, the main takeaway is that this pairing has to know that meeting the other person’s needs is for growth.
It cannot feel like a constant push-pull, or both partners will become mentally exhausted.
The next portion is essential for the paring to be successful.
For the dismissive-avoidant:
- The dismissive-avoidant cannot sweep the issue under the rug once you have resolved an issue. Your partner needs reassurance that you recognize what happened and hear that you are working on fixing it.
- Unlike you, an anxious partner won’t get mad when you bring past conflicts up. “ I am working on this because I know the effect it had on us the last time.” This simple phrase will go a long way to show you’re attentive.
For the Anxious preoccupied individual:
- Once you have talked through an issue, you cannot come back with new thoughts that arise in your mind. You will have questions 1,2, and 3, with 1a,2a, and 3a. Find specific questions that have concise answers to address all these subparts.
- You cannot create a logbook of something your partner did wrong. Allow them space to make sure it does not reoccur. It can otherwise become manipulative and overbearing in your partner’s eyes over time.
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The good news is that this couple can thrive if there is a clear understanding of the other person’s needs in the pillars you read through.
You have to work as a team and be in constant communication.
You can navigate the space that this paring can fall apart under.
The key is to work on your attachment style, understand how it can combat and trigger the other person, and have a universal goal that you are growing.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Erik Lucatero on Unsplash