We are going to get right to it. I know how you feel when you are going through a breakup.
You are searching for answers, thinking about what you could have done to change the outcome, and while I hope you are not getting down on yourself, many of you beat yourself up over it.
It can last days, weeks, and months if you let the feeling linger.
You are not crazy for going through this and should not feel ashamed. Unfortunately, it is the human experience in a relationship that comes to an end.
You connect with someone and have intimate moments, but the relationship ends.
In short, your life changes overnight.
While I have compassion for what you are going through, there are proper steps you want to take to heal through this process.
There is a myth that I need to dispel before we move on.
You think your situation is different.
To be somewhat brutally honest with you, it is not.
Relationships end over similar reasons: communication falls apart, misaligned attachment styles, loss of attraction, and we could go on and on.
That is not an attempt to diminish your pain, but I want you to shift away from the narrative that relationships are Disney fairytales.
The same way relationships are not Disney fairytales is the same way a breakup does not have to be a nightmare.
A thousand miles
I like to open up my direct messages on Instagram so people can reach out with a personal story or a question.
A few days ago, I spoke to someone who reached out through Medium, and he told me about his story.
I had to tell you something that remains true, no matter who you are.
When someone decides to end a relationship with you, that is all the information you need.
I used to believe the same things. Talking about what went wrong and ending on a happy note make it hurt less.
What?!
When someone decides to break up with you, why are you begging to figure out what went wrong?
Most people want to use that conversation to convince the person to stay.
Walk away.
“I think you should get closure.”
I want to break up. You already got closure.
Walking away is not an attempt to put on a pony show and display a form of arrogance toward someone.
It is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and the person who decided to end the relationship.
When someone ends a relationship with you, they most likely thought about it for weeks, if not months. They did not wake up and decide to give you the cold shoulder.
It might feel that way, but it is not the case.
Fighting counteracts what you think it will conjure.
- It makes someone want to reinforce the decision and distance themselves more.
- You are not showing respect for what your ex wants.
The next time you are in this situation, walk away with your head held high.
Still water
What you do after a breakup is the crucial time when you can go one of two ways.
You can begin healing, or you can dwell on the past. It is not more complex than that.
Yes, I know the feeling is fresh. It’s an emotional time. Breakups hurt because you lost someone you were close to.
They hurt more when you do not have life outside of your relationship, and losing that connection turns your life upside down because you were dependent on that relationship.
I will not tell you the basic things that are forms of distractions.
Give me a second, and take a deep breath with me.
You had a life before you knew this person existed. No, I do not expect you to revert to that life at the snap of a finger, but that life should not have come to a halt because someone new entered it.
You have hobbies, friends, and a world of activities. Get off your butt.
They are not off living a happy life, skipping through the meadow without you. If they did, what did you lose anyway?
Go and get your life back.
There are things you held off on because you prioritized your relationship. Get up, go out, and experience those opportunities.
Breakups feel like half of your life has disappeared. You spent every day with your partner and created memories. It feels like space replaces that.
That space can feel like a void or an opportunity to replace it with new experiences you create.
It is your choice.
Your wish is my demand
Do you want to know why people can feel so cold and direct with you when they end the relationship?
They expect the pushback, sadness, and anger they have experienced in the past breakups.
Do you want to know something that they will not expect?
When you say, I understand this is a hard decision for you, but I respect your choice to move on. I wish you the best.
When you walk away with your head held high, it makes the other person question things.
When someone breaks up with you, they subconsciously think, I can do better.
What do you think goes through their mind when you show respect for yourself by moving on with dignity as abruptly as they ended the relationship?
They are going to wonder whether or not they made the right decision.
Conversely, what do you think happens when you put up a fight, text and call constantly, beg for closure talk, and attempt to convince them why they made the wrong decision?
It confirms their beliefs.
On top of that, your partner had to battle themselves back and forth and muster up the courage to end the relationship.
It may not feel like it in the moment, but guess what? Sometimes it is what is best.
It is a personal take of mine, but I am genuinely happy when I see an ex getting married or in a long-term relationship after we have broken up.
After all, that is what you should want for someone.
Also, I say this jokingly, but cheers to anyone who can make that person happy.
* Insert shoulder shrug *
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a free coaching session. Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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