Nobody talks about how much rejection hurts. Yet, it’s one of the worst pains you can experience in relationships. That moment when you realize “they don’t like me back” is enough to break anyone.
Rejection hurts almost physically.
But here’s the deal: you can’t avoid romantic rejections forever (unless you stay inside a bunker forever and never take a risk). When you run from rejections like they’re the plague, you’ll never get the sweet win of finding a nice person to share your life with.
You can’t avoid rejection.
But I found a couple of mindset shifts that can make it 10x easier to overcome it. It’s not about avoiding rejection forever. It’s about knowing you’re strong enough to overcome it when it happens.
1. Kill your ego.
When someone you love rejects you, it’s easy to fall into a self-destructive trap. You’ll look for all the reasons why they don’t want you: your boring personality, your messy hair, or even your hobbies.
Except that’s not true. That’s just your ego at play.
What if this rejection has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them? What if they already have a secret partner? What if they’re facing personal issues?
You need to take yourself out of the center of the problem.
Relationships are about finding a good match for you.
When someone rejects you, it doesn’t mean you’re an undatable monster. It just means you’re not a good fit for this person (just like most people aren’t a nice fit for you). This way, you can finally stop blaming yourself and your flaws.
Rejections don’t say anything about you. It’s about the match (or lack of).
2. What happens when you don’t play the game.
Love is a risky game. When you’re single, you risk having your heart broken. But don’t be fooled: you’re not safe when you’re in a relationship. Your partner is free to leave whenever they want.
I understand if you tell me you don’t want to play this game.
It feels like you’re doomed to failure. Whatever you do, you can lose everything in a matter of days. It’s way safer to stay at home and never play. You just need to be aware of a tiny detail.
If you don’t play the game, you’ll never experience love.
You can eliminate the risk by choosing not to play. But you have to face the consequences. You’ll never win the big prize.
I’d take the risk any day.
That doesn’t mean you have to play all in. You can take small steps: maybe instead of asking for a date, ask to borrow a pen. This way, you get used to the risk and increase it slowly.
It feels uncomfortable to play, but not playing is a sure way to lose.
3. Create the perfect self-confidence.
The antidote for rejection is obvious but difficult to achieve: self-confidence. Let me tell you about the perfect self-confidence.
It’s the balance between two key ingredients:
- Loving yourself enough to take risks. This way, you know you’re strong enough to face rejection.
- Humbleness to know it’s not all about you. This way, you don’t act like a jerk.
That’s the sweet spot that makes you take action.
Let me tell you how you can do it. Your confidence is built on multiple pillars: your hobbies, friendships, relationships, and skills. Some people rely more on one pillar than the other. But, as you can see, relationships represent only one pillar.
The secret is to reinforce the other pillars.
Let’s say you got rejected. That’s okay because you can still have fun with your hobbies, work on your projects, and hang out with nice friends. You don’t need other people’s approval because you already have the life you want and enjoy it.
When you’re at peace with yourself, nothing can bring you down.
So work on multiple things that make you feel great and watch your confidence skyrocket.
Bonus: feel sad.
You must think I’m crazy for telling you to feel sad. But rejection makes you feel strong (and unpleasant) emotions. And guess what?
You can’t ignore your emotions. You can only feel them.
I never understood those people who say, “stay strong” and never let you feel bad emotions. Sure, it’s uncomfortable. Nobody likes to feel sad.
But that’s also what makes you human.
Your emotions give you information. When you’re rejected, it means you lost something you wanted. And it’s perfectly normal to feel sad about that (it’s kinda weird if you don’t). It means you care about the other person.
So don’t be hard on yourself when you feel sad, and don’t avoid this feeling. That’s not a weakness; it’s a strength.
…
Rejection hurts like a b*tch. But when you work on yourself, you can become strong enough to overcome it. This way, you can take as many risks as you want (and increase your chances of succeeding).
Once you change your mindset, rejection will feel like a child’s game to you. It might hurt, but you’ll know what to do to overcome it.
Remember: love is a zero-sum game. Every minute you spend crying over someone who doesn’t care about you is a minute you don’t spend with someone who truly loves you.
So cry for five minutes if you have to. But get up quickly and make your next move.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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