We think about it all the time. We think about what a great relationship would look like for us. We think about what the perfect person would look like.
There’s a flip side to that. There’s a set of items we fail to emphasize.
What am I doing to prepare for someone to enter my life? Have I done the work to self-improve so I am someone’s best option? Have I created the change I want to see in others?
I bring that up for a reason. Today’s model of dating has become me-centric.
You have a story that you are an exception to the average person and that your needs and values outweigh others.
You hear you’re the best, and the perfect person will come into your life.
It’s not true.
To give you a bit of honesty. Kill the Disney fairytale.
The truth is that you can put a set of standards and building blocks in place that will end the cycle of hopeless dating.
No, dating doesn’t suck, everyone isn’t trash, and there are a set of people out there with your beliefs and values ready to date too.
Let’s set the stage to meet them.
The line in the sand
There is something that has become normalized in the dating market.
We have created a narrative that people don’t have to date with intention.
Everything is about being a free floater with no constraints, and everything will work out over time.
The same person who believes in that narrative will be upset when they run into someone who doesn’t work to progress the dynamic.
What did you expect to happen?
The first standard to set for yourself is the outcome you want from dating.
You might think that is common knowledge, but you’d be shocked by the amount of people who are part of the free floater society.
Does someone have to come into your life and be a prospect for marriage from day 1? Of course not.
But.
When getting to know someone on dates 3–5, you should touch on what you want from the future.
Dig into the similar outcomes you want for the future.
The outcome you want in the future should be a hard line in the sand.
If you want to be in a relationship, be married within the next 2–3 years, and have a certain number of kids, then be unforgiving about moving on from someone who does not want the same outcomes.
The workout
One of the more repetitive things I hear people become unsatisfied with is someone’s effort when dating.
We all want to see someone putting their best foot forward and trying their best to impress us.
Creating the standard for what effort is has to become more than saying it.
I told them to try harder and put in more effort.
I like to use this example: I need bread, so I text you to bring some home. What type would you go and get?
You’d have no clue, but I would be upset because I feel like I told you to get me bread.
The problem is that I have yet to tell you what kind of bread to get or the brand I wanted.
We have told someone a message, and they should magically go on to understand what that looks like to us.
When you create a standard around effort, you have to put it in an actionable form so someone knows what it looks like to you.
What does communication look like in action?
What does effort look like on a day-to-day basis?
What does affection look like to you?
Create a visual for what someone can accomplish to meet your needs.
The elephant
We have needs that create a set of boundaries that will mesh with our traits.
The traits you want to focus on the most are the ones that align with your attachment style and the ones that counteract it.
You can look back at past articles of mine to see that those are.
Dismissive avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Fearful avoidant: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
Anxious: Triggers, Dating this attachment style
While you are on a constant growth journey, we don’t factor in what personalities don’t match and align. We get hyperfocused on the idea of finding someone.
When you set a standard for what triggers your negative behaviors, you’ll know when it is best not to get involved with someone with those traits.
For example, I don’t respond well to people with high anxiety and negative world view.
Does that mean something is wrong with that person as they progress through their growth journey?
Absolutely not.
It means I know what works well with my personality type and what will cause frustration in the dynamic as time moves.
You want to date and move as if you are not a work in progress, but I suggest thinking about where you are in your growth journey and what will create the best possible outcome.
If you take a chance when you see traits from someone working on themselves, create the standard and system for how you will progress through times when you clash.
When you sweep the idea under the rug, it will rear its ugly head eventually.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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