A simple outpatient procedure can affect your life in profound ways.
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It’s every guy’s worst nightmare: You’re drugged up and wheeled into an operating room where strangers with surgical masks are waiting with sharp instruments. But they’re not just pulling a tooth or doing minor surgery on an arm or leg. They’re going straight for the most intimate part of your body.
Every guy shudders at the thought of someone messing with their nether regions. Yet every day, men all over the world choose to have vasectomies because it’s a relatively simple and inexpensive outpatient procedure. But make no mistake: a vasectomy impacts your life in significant ways.
Make no mistake: a vasectomy impacts your life in significant ways.
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I had a vasectomy several years ago and found that it wasn’t a big deal when it was over. But I admit I was pretty nervous about the whole experience beforehand. I thought a great deal about why I was doing it and how it would impact me physically and emotionally.
There were three specific questions I thought about. I share these with you today so you can be better prepared to make a good decision.
1. Are you doing this for the right reasons?
Men have vasectomies for all sorts of reasons. The two main reasons are the desire to have sex without needing protection (or his wife or partner needing birth control), and not wanting any more children (or any children at all).
Make sure you are comfortable with your decision, and that it’s truly your decision, not someone else’s.
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When I say “the right reason,” I mean a reason that is right for you. It’s easy to look at the reasons why other men have had vasectomies and assume your reasons should be the same. But you have to look at your specific situation and the goals you have for your family. Just because another man has a certain number of children (or even none) doesn’t mean you need to do the same.
Make sure you are comfortable with your decision, and that it’s truly your decision, not someone else’s. That being said, there is another voice to consider in your decision-making process.
2. How does your wife feel about it?
While it’s your body we’re talking about, your wife has a right to have input into this decision. After all, this will impact her just as much as it does you. It’s important to make sure you are on the same page regarding your ability to have children. In my case, this was something my wife Melanie and I agreed on, and I didn’t see any reason not to go through with it.
If you and your wife disagree on whether you should have a vasectomy, take some time to figure out the root of the disagreement and work through it.
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If you and your wife disagree on whether you should have a vasectomy, take some time to figure out the root of the disagreement and work through it. Don’t dismiss her feelings (just as you wouldn’t want her to dismiss yours).
If you’re single or divorced, it might seem that this is your decision alone. But what if you get (re)married or want to have kids again in the future? It’s something to think about.
3. Are you truly prepared for the consequences?
I’m not referring here to the consequences of surgery, since you typically heal fairly quickly after a vasectomy. I’m referring to what it means to no longer be fertile and how it affects you mentally and emotionally.
I had to work through this in my own heart before going through with a vasectomy. We have one son, and I had to come to terms with the fact that he would never have a sibling, and I would never have another son or a daughter. (The reasons for that is a topic for another article, and I’d want to include my wife’s perspective if and when she is comfortable with that.)
She was the daughter I would never hold, never know. I kept asking myself, “How can I miss someone who never existed?” But I did.
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For a number of years, before our son was born, we had names picked out for both a boy and a girl when the time came to start having children. The boy’s name was Benjamin Thomas Sanders. We liked the name “Benjamin,” and “Thomas” was my grandfather’s middle name, as well as a name from my wife’s side of the family. So we used it, and that’s my son’s name today.
When you choose a child’s name and live with it for a few years, the child becomes real to you. That’s the best way I can explain how I felt about the girl’s name we had chosen. Over time, especially in the years after our son was born and it was clear he would be our only child, she became a real person in my mind. She was the daughter I would never hold, never know. I kept asking myself, “How can I miss someone who never existed?” But I did.
Your mind plays funny tricks on you sometimes. I knew this little girl wasn’t real, but she always existed as a potential person, someone I might meet someday. When I decided to go through with the vasectomy, I knew I had to let her go. I had to come to grips with the fact that she would never be real, and I would never meet her.
Sometimes we create situations and scenarios in our minds that aren’t meant to be real, that never could be real. But you still need to go through a grieving process, in your own time and in your own way.
Sometimes we create situations and scenarios in our minds that aren’t meant to be real, that never could be real.
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I feel very vulnerable writing about this. This is the first time I’ve shared these thoughts and feelings with anyone. I set out to write a matter-of-fact article about having a vasectomy, with no intention of sharing something that is so personal. But when you consider a procedure that takes away your ability to have more children, these are the kinds of deeply personal issues that come up.
One could argue that this whole discussion is pointless since a vasectomy can be reversed. That’s true, but I would argue that it’s still a big decision, and there’s no guarantee that a reversal will work. It seems best to approach it as a permanent decision, while knowing that if need be, it’s possible to have it reversed.
If you’re considering a vasectomy, I hope I’ve given you some food for thought. Consider your reasons for having a vasectomy, how your wife feels about it, and whether you’re truly prepared for the consequences. If you can give yourself a green light on all three questions, then by all means, go for it.
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Photo: Flickr/tiffany terry
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Hi, please read the following guidelines from the British Association of Urology surgeons before committing to a vasectomy and fully understand the potential chronic pain risks stated :
https://www.baus.org.uk/_userfiles/pages/files/Patients/Leaflets/Vasectomy.pdf
From that source : “Troublesome chronic testicular pain is reported in up to 15% of
patients and can be severe enough to affect day-to-day activities in
up to 5%”
15% = 1 in 7
5% = 1 in 20
I like that you mentioned that you should take your wife’s considerations into account when considering a vasectomy. My uncle is about to get a vasectomy, and he made sure to ask his wife what she thought before he set it up. It is a decision that should be made by both parties!
Pardon my Android phone typos please…
UK National Health website states 10% of men are left with a chronic genital pain problem. The British Association of Urological Surgeons states this as between 10 and 30% in their Vasectomy guidance literature. Do your reading and deeply understand the risk percentages and that you can end up with further surgery to correct, the rest of your life on strong possibly addictive painkillers, or even in the worst cases with having one or two testicles being removed to fix these sorts of problems. This is not intended as fear mongering, just to let other men know what a profit… Read more »
Had it done at 18, I had to go to three different providers before I could get it done. It was utter shit. I didn’t want kids nor do I now, and I fully affirm I won’t ever. It needs to be easier to get done. No regrets.
Boris, thanks for sharing your thoughts here. Wow–I didn’t realize it was so difficult to have it done for some. That kind of surprises me.
Will you get a hydrocele? Yeah, it’s a possibility. If I get a hydrocelectomy will it come back? 10% chance We have three kids, the first we went home 12 hours after her birth. The second we went home 4 days later. The third spent an entire week with 24 hour supervision until they got his pancreas to function correctly. We stopped there and I got a vasectomy. Our family was complete and regardless of our desire for another child later we both felt it would be irresponsible to try for another child. I developed a hydrocele within a few… Read more »
Nolan, thanks for sharing your thoughts – appreciate it.
Kent, Thanks for a great piece on the thought process each man must go through to make an informed decision about a vasectomy. I am preparing for mine later this month and it took more than a year of contemplating it before I finally felt confident and at peace with my decision. I have one son who is in his teens and at 41, I realize that I have no desire to have another child, regardless as to my relationship status. For everything there is a time and my time to bring children into this world has passed. Being a… Read more »
Hey Big C
Do yourself a favor and download the book Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Atholl Kay.
He stresses the importance of Sperm on a primal level and how important it is in relationships!
Had I read the book a few years back I would have a very different outlook. This has to do with body agenda, attraction and smell!
Postpone your op and do the homework. Bonding, chemical exchange, testosterone etc.
BigC, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. You made a good point, and one that I failed to address in the article: it’s easier and cheaper for a man to have the procedure than for a woman. It’s not so much that I WANTED to have a vasectomy–it’s just that I knew more kids was not going to happen, so it was a lot easier for me do to it, than have her go through it.