3 Questions You Need To Ask Before Jumping Into a Committed Relationship

“How do you know that it was time for you to commit to your partner?” Asked a friend of mine who’s in a dilemma whether or not she wants to take her “casual” relationship to the next level.

To which I replied, “there were many considerations that I needed to think of first, and I made sure I took some time to figure it out.”

And I meant it because jumping into a committed relationship right away never seems to be a good idea, especially when you are still young.

Sure, others might argue that you don’t have to overthink and just go with the flow. But I’ve also seen many couples (those who are more “prepared”) manage to make the relationship healthier and stable long-term.

Depending on what you look for in a life partner, these 3 things are the most important points, and they should be on your major considerations as they would affect your life in general.

“Do I really want to be with them, or am I just lonely?”

The only way for you to get clear with what you want is by questioning it again and again.

When I first thought to get serious and fully committed with my current boyfriend, I asked myself if I wanted to be with him or were I was just feeling lonely. That one question itself would give you so much clarity if you can be brutally honest with yourself.

So many people settle down for less in terms of relationships because they are scared of being alone. They couldn’t handle the loneliness feeling that creeps in every night. They think it’s better to be with someone else — even if that someone isn’t the right match for them.

Don’t be like them. It doesn’t matter if society said you are too old to be single. It’s still much better that way rather than being with the wrong person.

“Are we both on the same page in terms of values and goals in life?”

I’ve heard some of my single friends saying that dating is hard nowadays. It almost seems like the good ones are already taken, and the rest just want to mess around.

But you know what’s harder? Being with someone who has completely different values and goals from yours. I’ve been there, and I can tell you that it does feel like a waste of time.

The worst thing about committed to someone who isn’t compatible with us is that there’s a higher chance that either one of you would compromise too much. I’m not talking about different hobbies or interests here. It’s more of the bigger picture of the life that you both have.

Things like; whether you both want to have kids or not, how do they manage their money, what values they have when it comes to their parents, etc.

As much as you want to think that love conquers everything, it really doesn’t. If you like going for a hike on the weekend, gardening when you feel bored meanwhile your partner likes going to the party and drinking whenever they feel down, then it’s going to be really hard to keep it going.

And if it’s real love, you don’t have to change each other’s personality to make it work.

“Can they appreciate and accept me for who I am?”

I dated a guy during my college years who was a heavy smoker. One time he asked me about my type, and I honestly told him that I don’t think I can settle down with someone who’s smoking. Not that it’s something wrong to do, but I just never liked the idea of smoking cigarettes.

Then to my surprise, he stopped smoking. Not only that, but he also started reading books too right after I told him one of my hobbies was reading. At that point, I realized that this guy has changed for me.

And somehow, it didn’t feel good.

Two months later, we broke up, and his best friend told me that he’s back to his old self, smoking heavily and staying really late outside with his friends. I knew that would happen. I knew he didn’t change for the better because he realized those things were bad for him but changing solely for me.

While I was disappointed because I did care about him, I also realized that I don’t want to be with someone who wants me/I want him to change so he could love me.

So the next time you are thinking to get serious with someone, see if they can already accept and appreciate you for who you are. Anything less than that isn’t good for your future.

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Final Thought

For a short recap, here are the main 3 things you need to consider before jumping into a committed relationship:

There’s a big difference between wanting to be with them because you think they are the right person for you or you just feel lonely— ask yourself repeatedly until you get the answer.
See them as they are and think once more time if you still want to be with them for the long run. Their values, perspectives, goals, and even lifestyle. As they play a major role in how healthy and stable your relationship will be later.
If they genuinely want to be with you, they won’t expect you to change this or that in you, so that the relationship will be “perfect”. No one is perfect. Hence, it’s much easier to accept each other’s flaws rather than try to change them.

Life is already complicated. Choosing the right person and ensuring that you don’t waste your time is the best thing you can do for yourself. So take your time — everything else can wait.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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