Everyone gives love because they get something out of it. Everything has a condition. The world operates on give and take, and, the idea of “unconditional love” is naïve.
It’s hard to explain, but the idea of “unconditional love” — the actions associated with it, can often tread into the realm of toxic positivity.
However, there are still things to keep in mind.
Should we accept and love all aspects of our partners? Yes. Absolutely. But should we give love freely? I don’t think so.
Perhaps you don’t expect your love to be reciprocated, but there’s still a payoff. Some people over-give and play out a dynamic in which one person is a rescuer or savior to a victim.
They feel the victim needs their love and affection. But this doesn’t ensure a long-lasting relationship. That is codependency. Giving away your love too freely devalues it.
Why “give it away” when there’s bound to be someone who will reciprocate love to you?
People reject the expression of love, not the feeling
To start, I am not talking about the feeling of love. No one can argue with you whether you love someone or not. That’s a feeling that is valid regardless of the circumstances.
I’ve fallen in love with people who didn’t deserve it from me, but it is what it is. I cannot change how I’ve felt about certain girlfriends.
I even realized I loved the person who stone-cold and blatantly discarded me.
But why do so many people express it to those who don’t deserve it? By expressing it, this can include various actions:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Acts of service
- Gifts
- Physical touch
…
These are the five love-languages. Something most people are familiar with. Our expression of love is not limited to these five things, but they are the most easily identifiable ways.
I’ve spent quite a while thinking about this. Why have I felt so passionate about some women and apathetic to others? Of course, the reasons vary, but you’ll discover why.
There are three women on my mind: “Rebecca” (my ex-fiancé), “Becky” (an ex-girlfriend), and “Julie”. All pseudonyms.
1. Your love is expressed in the “wrong way”.
When I dated Rebecca, I didn’t know what I was doing. I had no clue why I was dating her. My main concern was sex and companionship. That was it. I did not necessarily intend to fall in love with her or ask her to be my wife, but that’s what happened.
About a year into our relationship, but some dude introduced me into a pyramid scheme, called Amway.
I won’t waste time, but to suffice, I was trying to build a multi-level marketing “business” by selling overpriced home goods and services. In addition, I spent most of my time recruiting strangers.
You can read more about that here:
Here’s Why The More You Chase, the More They Pull Away
Real-life lessons to apply to dating and relationships. (Trust me, I used to be that weirdo who chased people)
ptrood.substack.com
This chapter of my life lasted from January 2019 to March 2020.
At the time, I developed this fantasy. One day my fiancé and I would be free of our jobs and we could live “happily ever after” like it’s a movie. If I worked hard enough and sacrificed my time with her would we finally be able to be free and live life together on our terms?
This was how I expressed my love to her. Through “acts of service”.
But it wasn’t until years later that I realized this was a “healing fantasy”. My fantasy was to be a self-sacrificing provider hoping that “finally someone will love me”.
When I quit, that healing fantasy didn’t matter anymore. It has still lingered, but not for her anymore.
I didn’t recognize it at the time, but she didn’t give a fuck about being free from her job. She didn’t care about what I was doing for her. And why would she? It was a scam. A pyramid scheme. Deep down I knew it, but I was trying to chase after the approval of the person who recruited me. I neglected her and the relationship.
I can’t blame her resentment towards me for putting all my attention into that and not the relationship. When I quit Amway it was like I gave up on the relationship too. There was no incentive for me to care anymore.
…
Rebecca did not value my acts of love, because they did not directly benefit her or the relationship (not that I can blame her). It indirectly damaged it.
She didn’t ask for me to do this for her. I made an assumption based on my own beliefs. So if you’re performing “kind” acts of service, or giving things to people, ask yourself “Am I doing this for me or is this something I know they truly desire?”
…
2. There’s a perceived motive behind your love.
A year after we split up, I met Becky. She was a “nice” girl. Well, she was at first until she began to be demeaning towards me.
She had a lot going for her. School, work, and her family. She was always busy. In the beginning, there wasn’t much I could complain about her on paper. Becky would stay over at my place for days at a time.
She’d clean my apartment, cook dinner for us, and we’d go out. I couldn’t have asked for more, but part of me felt weird experiencing all this.
Becky gifted me a nice watch for Christmas, and she even put together an entire birthday celebration for me with thoughtful gifts. But… I didn’t care. It sounds terrible, but I didn’t value what she did for me.
Maybe there was an ulterior motive behind her actions. Everyone I know (including my therapist) admitted that she appeared to be controlling and domineering. Even my mother — who only met her once — could sense it.
It was true. She showed her love through “acts of service” and “quality time together”, but it always seemed too “perfect”. As if I were her “pet”. In the relationship it was “her way or the highway”.
We were together for several months, but when we broke up, I felt free.
…
I didn’t value her acts of love because: They felt shallow, forced, and inauthentic. And two, I didn’t feel I was “good enough” for her. My self-esteem was still a hot mess from losing my fiancé.
There were likely other reasons. Maybe it was the socio-economic, political, and religious gap, and I felt out of place in her life.
…
3. They don’t feel as if they must “earn” your love.
Julie has left an indelible mark on me. My experience with her has been a great catalyst for change.
I chased Julie.
I supported and reassured her, was honest and direct, and accepted her as she was. Quirks and all.
I cooked for her and invested my time with her even when she showed disrespect for my time. I was kind and I genuinely loved her. She and I had a sexual compatibility I have yet to experience with another woman.
It was tough losing her.
This time, she was the one who didn’t value the things I did for her. She didn’t care for how I felt about her, and sometimes I still dwell on why she was like that.
As I spent time with Julie she dumped a lot of her baggage onto me. Failed relationships, terrible and dark events that she witnessed, and emotional neglect. The kinds of things that can leave a lasting impression on someone’s self-worth.
I cannot diagnose her or anyone else, but from my own experience, negative events often tarnish our self-image, and it can be harder to accept love. They may irreparably traumatize us.
A blemish on your self-worth impedes the ability to resonate with the fact that someone loves you.
This is likely what happened to her, and what many people experience. Unfortunately, many do not notice this and it becomes part of their identity.
I expressed my love towards her for one simple reason. I wanted her to be part of my life.
…
Because love isn’t that complicated. But we make it that way. Many people think they have to “earn” love. Or that love is only acceptable after a specific time frame in the “dating phase” of a relationship.
When I confronted her the day I bumped into Julie in public, I admitted that I loved her at one point. I did not feel much love for her that day, but that’s how I felt in the past. I needed her to know that.
…
To wrap up,
No matter what someone might say, we all have reasons for expressing our love. And it goes beyond expressing it for the sake of love itself. A relationship full of giving without limits is doomed to fail.
Yes, expressing or showing love without expectation sounds magical, but unlimited love loses its value. Coupled with the wrong expression of love, this is why some people do not value your acts of service.
In my case, it was damaging to the relationship with Rebecca.
Like Julie, my self-esteem was low when I met Becky. The capacity to feel and receive love is proportional to how much you love yourself.
But if the giver’s reasons for love have an ulterior motive, this can exacerbate that feeling that something is “off”.
Remember, no one can take away your feelings for someone else. If you loved that person, that is valid. Or if you didn’t! That’s great too. But if someone doesn’t accept or value your love, it does not reflect you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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