3 Reasons Your Avoidant Partner Withdraws from Intimacy

When there is a lack of optimal peace in our relationships, it can cause mutual turmoil between us and our partners.

The difference is each person’s reaction toward resolving conflicts and bringing precious peace back to the relationship.

There is a misconception about what goes through the mind of an avoidant when you sense that they are pulling away during a moment of conflict.

The general frame of thought is that your partner is a cold-hearted, emotionless person who can’t communicate.

I find it odd how badly we talk about avoidants but show grace to other attachment style mixes.

Uncomfortably, at a base level, is the feeling at the core of what is going through an avoidant’s mind.

Yes, we will explore more than that base-level feeling, but understanding your partner through that lens is the key to understanding why it feels like your partner pulls away so aggressively.

We all react differently to feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes, we want to attack the issue and reconstruct the bond with our partner immediately. Some of us need time to process and revisit the situation.

When your avoidant partner results in pulling away from intimacy, the answer is more complex than you think.

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The orange cone

By now, you know your partner fears expression, sharing emotions, and being vulnerable.

We build a thought that our partner isn’t capable of these qualities or behaviors, but that is the wrong approach to the scenario.

Generally, we feel a sense of relief, added strength, and joy when we can be open and share our thoughts with others.

It feels empowering to release and not hold potential pain points in our minds.

Your partner is in a state where they aren’t available to show up the same way.

What comes next? We think we’re promoting an open avenue to our partners when we try to engage with them, share those moments, and receive thoughts and emotions.

You’re not wrong for thinking that.

Our partner does not share the same view. Those attempts feel like requests and demands.

Your partner will pull away in these moments because they are doing something that does not feel like their choice.

Avoidants won’t open up until they feel safe and trusting of their partner.

It is a spinning cycle because, again, you didn’t do anything wrong.

The problem is the hyper-focus aims at the wrong target. Instead of wondering how to get your partner to open up, shift your focus toward how you can build trust and safety with your partner.

Be mindful of their emotional capacity. Instead of demanding immediate emotional engagement, allow space for gradual connection.

Create a judgment-free space where they feel safe expressing emotions at their own pace. Avoid pushing them to open up too quickly.

No contact

Avoidants place a high value on peace and harmony in the relationship. When those items are lacking in the dynamic, your partner loses the desire for other forms of connection.

Do you notice something we hear from most people working with an avoidant partner? When the dynamic is going well, it’s perfect, but whenever there is a moment of turmoil, the connection disappears.

Your partner can shift toward not wanting to participate in small gestures like holding hands, giving hugs, or cuddling. It can go layers deeper, and their desire for sex can disappear.

It feels like they want nothing to do with you, but they are experiencing their triggers and their behavior is to detach from the perceived source.

It is important not to push your partner farther in that direction. Similar to pulling toward your partner to share emotions and feelings, thinking it is a good idea to try and engage with your partner in these moments can backfire too.

That feeling will make you feel stuck in a hopeless position, but your partner has to do the work to move through that phase.

The more you pull, the more they will push.

A moment of silence

When we are in a place of safety with our partner, we love to draw in closer and seek our partner.

When we feel overwhelmed, we seek our partner to be our ear and shoulder for comfort.

Avoidants don’t operate in the same method, unfortunately.

Avoidants have to have a form of intimacy with themselves before they can engage with their partner.

I hope it is slightly noticeable that I am joking, but your partner needs those moments of independence before they can reengage.

Avoidants are slow processors. They’re in a state where they don’t know how to speak to you or feel open to moving closer.

It is a retreat to safety rather than wanting to distance themselves from you.

Yes, that feels like a complete withdrawal from intimacy, but until they reach that feeling of internal safety, they don’t know how to work with their partner.

You don’t have to pretend everything is rainbows and roses, but when you are trying to engage with your partner it is because you are reacting to a feeling of rejection. Understandable.

Use that time to understand the internal battle your partner is facing and realize that time is a result of your partner feeling a loss of control.

Independent time is “ownership of figuring it out,” although they should be doing it with you.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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