Dating is a minefield. First dates especially can be nerve-racking. They can make or break your potential relationship, which is what makes them so stressful.

I’ve been on a couple of first dates in my life and while some turned out lovely, others were what I would call disastrous. Really, the range is from slightly amusing to downright creepy.

What I’ve learned over the years is that there are certain things that you shouldn’t do on a first date. Or shouldn’t say. I have decided to short-list some of these and use them both as light entertainment and a general warning for anyone who is thinking of taking someone out for the first time. If you want there to be a second time, make sure you don’t say any of this:

This was one of the first dates I ever went on. Maybe I did it wrong. Somehow, in the middle of a fun conversation in a nice café, I got asked this: Do you want to see my maths homework?

I didn’t know what to answer. No, I didn’t want to see his maths homework. But was there a point to the question? Maybe it was a set-up for a joke? I didn’t want to ruin his punchline, so I said yes. Sure, show me your maths homework.

What ensued was 20 minutes of my date going through his homework one equation at a time, explaining to me what happened where and how much time it all took him. By the end I was so bored I started analysing his handwriting. What does it mean when it’s tilted to the left?

The date went nowhere after that. Unless you count boredom city as a desirable date destination.

Tip #1: Don’t show your date your homework if you want to take them out again. Unless you study the same thing, and they want to copy your work. That might actually get you some brownie points.

Don’t touch my ponies

You read that right. Ponies.

Shortly after maths guy, I went on a date with a guy who was into My Little Pony. Remember that fandom? Bronies, they called themselves. Well, this guy was a brony.

Now, I was okay with the idea of this 18-year-old boy being into My Little Pony. I can be quite the eccentric geeky person myself, so if anything, I thought this was endearing.

The problem was when, 10 minutes into the date, he pulled out little toy ponies that he wanted to show me. Here’s Fluttershy, and here’s Rainbow Dash…

He went on a super long rant, holding onto these little plastic ponies. By the end, I knew a lot about the plot and all the names of the main ponies.

His final act was to let me look at the ponies in detail. He basically shoved them in my face, so close that I couldn’t properly see. I reached out to bring his hand down, maybe take a look at the ponies myself. That’s when he freaked out on me.

Don’t touch my ponies!

He went all serious out of nowhere. After I said okay, he kept holding the ponies for a while longer, in complete silence. Then he put them in his jacket pocket and asked me if I had any siblings.

I was weirded out by then. Not by the ponies, but by being almost shouted at so soon into the date. Because of some plastic ponies. They weren’t even collector’s items.

It was so strange that it threw me for the rest of the afternoon. When I came home, I called my friend and told her what happened. We laughed about it. I also decided I didn’t want to go out with the shouty-pony-guy again.

Tip #2: If you don’t want people to touch your toy collection, don’t shove it in their face. Also, don’t start a date with a pony collection. Unless you’re both into ponies. Then you’re good to go.

I only date people with hot mums

While maths guy and pony guy were what I would call accidentally amusing, this other guy was a creep.

The date started nice. He was being very attentive. He asked me all these questions, listened to what I had to say, gave thoughtful answers himself. Finally, I thought. A good date.

Some time into the date, we started talking about our relationship preferences. That’s when things took an odd turn. He had all these conservative opinions on men versus women that I didn’t agree with one bit. What looked promising at first started smelling rather fishy.

But the cherry on top was when he asked me about my mum.

I didn’t know what about my mum he wanted to know. I said what she does, how old she is, and what her name is. Then he asked: Is she hot?

I was so stunned, I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to though, because right after he asked this, he added: I only date people with hot mums.

There was no hint of irony, sarcasm, or jest in his voice. He was so serious I had to laugh. Surely, this was a prank?

I confronted him about it. What sort of a weird rule is that? Are you planning to shag my mum?

He shrugged his shoulders. I just like hot mums.

I didn’t go on another date with him. There isn’t enough money in the whole world that could convince me to give him another chance. Hot mum? What a creep.

Tip #3: Do not ask about the sexiness of your date’s family members. Unless you want to come off as a creep that won’t ever find another date in that person’s circle of friends.

Listen, first dates are difficult for everyone. I get it. But you can avoid being an absolute disaster quite easily. All you have to do is not be a creep. Try to get to know the person instead of showing them your math skills or pony collection. Ask them about their family, but not if their mum is hot.

It’s not that hard. Just use common sense.

Unless you want to end up as the topic of one of their newest Medium articles.