3 Subtle Signs Your Avoidant Partner Is Pulling Away — How to React

I won’t waste your time with the general lead in the intro.

Figuring out your avoidant partner feels like you are going through a maze with no end.

Sometimes, you feel like you have made progress, and then you turn into a dead end.

What if I told you the solution to working with your avoidant partner is about being proactive instead of reactive?

No, you will not become a master manipulator, but you will understand how to navigate situations with your avoidant partner and find the solution you want.

Sometimes, we are aware of what we think we should do to combat our avoidant behaviors, but when we react in live action, it is not easy to implement what we know the correct approach is.

What happens next?

Our partner becomes more defensive and entrenched in their behaviors, and now you feel like you are fighting to find a space in your partner’s life.

Sound familiar? No, you are not alone in your experience, but if you don’t restructure your approach, you will end up in an endless cycle of frustration.

Do you know the signs that your avoidant partner is pulling away? Do you think or know how to react before they distance themselves? Whichever side of the coin you’re on, let’s create a path forward.

Outer space

I don’t have to trick you with a catchy title for you to know that avoidants value their space.

It frustrates us because it feels like they are moving as far away from the relationship as possible and rejecting you.

For those of you new to attachment theory, the mistake we make most often is trying to close the gap in space.

You spend your time helplessly trying to convince your partner that unity is better than the separation you perceive.

Rewind this timeline a bit.

How can you react when you notice your partner is disengaging?

Promote the space instead of fighting against it.

We struggle to give our partner space because we think about what feels best for the partnership.

We’ll process how avoidants think. Logic> emotion.

Your emotions tell you to pull your partner in, mold your bond, and prove your love to your partner.

Let’s pause there and play a quick scenario. Let’s say you are dating someone, and that partner wants to break up with you. Should you push, or is it better to accept it and be nonreactionary?

Why?

Your partner has to experience space to understand they don’t want it. Why would the logic be any different while you’re in a relationship?

When they want space, get ahead of what they think it will accomplish.

Pick up the phone

Avoidants pull back from regular behaviors when they sense safety and control fading.

Have you noticed that it is harder to set plans, meet up, or even have a quick texting conversation with your partner sometimes?

Yes, it feels personal. It is similar to the feeling of your partner needing space. Everything was ok. Why do they need space from me?

Everything isn’t collapsing. Take a step back and evaluate the situation.

When your partner senses a loss of control, they struggle with identifying their emotions, building trust, and “giving” up their space.

They’re retreating because they feel overwhelmed with something they should see as a net positive.

Your partner is evaluating how they feel because the bond and closeness cause them to have fear and question the relationship.

Let them work through their fears. Again, what is a beneficial method and approach to cause more distance? Pressuring them.

No, no, NO, I am not telling you to find this behavior acceptable; be proactive.

Match the energy and let your partner notice the void. It has to be their idea to fill the gap. Your partner has to do the work.

The vital step to take comes next. Avoid the excitement of your partner returning, and don’t immediately let them try to connect and skip past addressing the space they caused.

Cry me a river

Your avoidant partner is not a soulless grinch who has no emotions.

Your partner doesn’t know how to identify them before they feel the symptoms.

It works like this. Let’s say you and your partner get into a dispute, and using a simple emotion, they are frustrated.

Before they can identify their frustration, they have already felt themselves experiencing stress, anger, and discomfort.

Avoidants need the time to process what they are experiencing without someone telling them “what is wrong.”

Do you want to make your avoidant partner more frustrated? Tell them they appear to be frustrated.

BE PROACTIVE.

Instead of digging into what your partner is experiencing, set a timetable for them to process on their own, and the expectation for what will occur when you revisit the conversation.

Although you know what your partner is experiencing, let them have the time to discover the emotion.

Set an expectation for what happens when that time is over so you know you have communicated the boundary you have put in place.

These actions will remove the anxiety you feel while your partner isn’t in constant communication with you.

You know that you’ve communicated the responsibility in their court to identify what they feel and resolve the situation upon their return.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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