Does your partner has a hard time expressing his feelings? Is it hard for you sometimes to get them to open up to you? And often, do they unintentionally push you away?
If the answer to all of those is a yes, welcome to the club!
Dating someone with an avoidant attachment can be challenging. It takes a big commitment to stay and make it work in the long run.
These 3 major things are the lessons I learned from dating one. Wish I could realize them earlier because it would make our journey a lot smoother.
Wanting space doesn’t always equal a breakup
The old me would want to call it off every time he said he wanted space. Especially, when you go out and ask your friend “what to do”.
They’ll tell he’s either cheating on you or quiet-quitting on the relationship.
I didn’t know anything about attachment theories at the time. So, I had this tendency to conclude the worst thing about him.
It also meant I never gave him a chance to take a “break” because I thought that’d be the end of it.
But looking back, I regret not, at least, questioning those beliefs; does he hide something from me, or does he truly need a break to unwind?
Fast forward almost 7 years later, I began to understand this. When an avoidant wants space, it doesn’t necessarily mean they want a breakup.
As we know, people with anxious attachment wire differently in a romantic relationship.
That being said, an avoidant’s way of handling the relationship conflict is also different. They tend to detach first and take some time to process everything on their own.
If you don’t understand this concept early, it’s easy to take it the wrong way and make the problem worse.
What you can apply to your own relationship:
Instead of panicking and asking your friends about their opinion, ask your partner directly why they think they want space.
Most times, it has nothing to do with you. He might go through some tough phases in his career life and only need your understanding.
It depends on how he wants to have the space. If you both communicate well, I don’t see any problem with letting your partner be.
Having alone time is necessary to keep the relationship healthy
This applies to both parties.
Being with someone with an avoidant attachment means you need to be OK with your partner’s high need to be alone. Expecting them to always do things together with you will drain their energy real quick.
Eventually, if you force it on them, they’ll pull away because it gets too much for them.
I can attest to this because it happened many times at the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t know having some alone time and doing things on his own would actually make him a better partner.
Yes, there were times when I had a high expectation of how much he should spend his time with me. Of course, the more expectations I had, the more he drifted apart emotionally.
If you’re someone with an anxious attachment like me, this behavior will drive you crazy.
Some women who stay with an avoidant man tend to do everything they could to bring his attention back.
However, doing so won’t solve the problem. The only solution to this is to just let him be.
Let him take his time and bring back the focus to yourself.
What you can apply to your own relationship:
When you have your own thing going on (outside the relationship) you’ll have no problem whenever your partner asks for some alone time.
Taking a break from each other to do other things in life isn’t necessarily bad. The world is big, and relationships shouldn’t be your only source of happiness.
So, when your avoidant partner asks for alone time, take advantage of it by exploring life on your own too. Trust me, it’ll strengthen the relationship.
Avoidants communicate their feelings and thoughts differently
A professor, Preston Ni, on Psychology Today says that one of the signs of someone with avoidant attachment is that they’re;
“Highly self-directed and self-sufficient. Independent behaviorally and emotionally.”
So, it’s no surprise they can be hard to understand. Their need to open up with people (even their partners) isn’t as high as those with an anxious/secure attachment style.
For them, it doesn’t bring joy. Because they think, they’re good on their own — emotionally and mentally.
This, of course, is what makes it hard to build a strong connection with them.
After a couple of years of noticing this pattern, I finally addressed the issue and communicated it with him. Because there’s no way the relationship could grow if he never truly opened up to me.
Being vulnerable is vital in maintaining a healthy relationship.
So, what if one party decides to stay independent emotionally and never let themselves be fully vulnerable? Naturally, the relationship won’t last long.
What you can apply to your own relationship:
The next time you expect your avoidant partner to communicate the way you do, take a step back and understand their point of view instead.
When you do that and let go of your own expectation, you’ll realize it’s easier to embrace their flaws and let them use their own way to be vulnerable with you.
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Overall, there’s no easy way to be with an avoidant.
But also remember, no one’s perfect. We all have flaws.
And to make a relationship work, our partners and us need to put in the work.
Be it working on the communication part, increasing the level of understanding of each other, or simply working on our internal issues such as low self-esteem.
I see a romantic relationship as a forever work in progress. There’s no such a “happy ending” or a destination, where both people don’t have to do anything anymore.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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