Ok, get down from the couch and stop jumping up and down.
I know working with an avoidant can be frustrating. You want answers to their behaviors and logic, and most importantly, you’d like to break the cycle of them distancing themselves.
Step 1.
Seriously, there is no quick-fix system I’ll hand over in a matter of a single article. There is a long-game set of actions you can take to reduce and eventually eliminate your avoidant partner’s silent treatment behavior.
Tunde, I have tried everything.
That is part of the problem. You are overly hyper-focused on everything you do instead of understanding the mental space your partner is experiencing.
Let me put this into a quick perspective to help you understand. Let’s paint a scenario where you are anxious-leaning. Imagine your partner telling you, “Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal.” You’d explode.
Your avoidant partner’s pathway to opening up and expressing thoughts to you isn’t as easy as, “Let’s sit down and talk.”
Stop applying your solution to your partner’s dilemma.
Each attachment style operates in different ways and operations, and you know that the avoidant has to complete their mission independently, for now.
How do we navigate the alone time that feels like our partner is giving us the silent treatment? What if they are legitimately giving us the silent treatment?
Let’s dive in.
Encouragement
Your avoidant partner goes into an independent alone time when they feel overwhelmed and cannot find the words to express themselves.
It seems personal because it feels like they are rejecting your presence and any effort you put forth to resolve the situation.
Although it might not feel like you are pushing them to connect and resolve the situation, sometimes suggesting that you work through the problem at its onset feels like a demand.
Reverse the logic and do the opposite of what feels like the best step forward.
Encourage the time and space instead of fighting against it.
Hold on, hold on, stay with me.
Two benefits come as a result of this approach.
- You can set the time and cadence for when “silent” alone time ends. You are pushing for the conversation because the anxiety is building up. Setting the pace for revisiting the conversation will alleviate the unknown, causing anxious thoughts.
- Your partner retreats to independence as a safety mechanism. Do you know why it takes them so long to return? They have to go from safety to inner peace, to processing, to understanding, and end with feeling safe opening up to you. When you show that you can respect their need for space, they bypass the initial steps.
Let’s dive in
Your partner subconsciously fears talking with you because of the expectation to deliver all the answers.
Your partner thinks the conversation will go from 0 to 100 as soon as they appear. Let’s be honest. You have had moments when you escalated the conversation to that level.
I don’t say that to shift the blame in your direction, but my point is to come up with a better approach.
Remain calm, although your instinct tells you to extract everything possible from your partner.
Start the conversation with a topic not directly related to the elephant in the room but can progress the conversation with a light approach toward the main discussion point.
After that, you do not forget this next statement.
Attack the issue, not the person.
No, it is not as simple as using I statements and not pointing fingers.
Show outcomes that come from mutual accountability and both partners changing their actions.
Tunde, what if the issue is completely their fault?
- It is not as frequent as you think that there is a situation that is completely one person’s fault.
- Let’s say the other person is at fault. We can still use statements like, “When I notice X (behavior) happening, I can do Y (react) so we don’t let the conversation go off the rails.
No, I am not telling you to hold your partner’s hand, but you have to direct your partner in the direction you want them to go.
Monkey see, monkey do
Do you want to know the most common mistake people make when their partner needs alone time?
Yes. They consume their mind with the thoughts of what their partner is doing, potentially thinking and wondering what’s next.
Take some time for yourself and focus on your path to self-soothing and regulating your emotions.
No, that doesn’t mean you are skipping through the meadows pretending to be happy, but it is a great time to focus on yourself and what you want to feel.
Release the hyper-focus on what your partner needs to do and worry about the battles you are responsible for.
We get frustrated because we are taking on the emotional weight of two people when we should look within and focus on what we can control.
When you don’t focus on what is within your control, it is like staying stagnant in quicksand.
I’m not saying to return the silent treatment behavior, but when you apply the steps above, you should be at the point where you are comfortable with the momentary space.
Relax and focus on you for once.
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Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.
Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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