30 & 'Terminally Single' Is a Choice

Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold

Hey Wendy,

My childhood friend is having her marriage celebration a year after they were married.

It’s on the same weekend as my 30th birthday. It’s being held in a rural location in my home state. If I go, this will be a big expense for me: A flight, rental car for a 5-hour drive to arrive at a cabin in a lodge location. The plan is I’d be bunking up with my three other childhood friends and their husbands. Yes, I’m the only single one in the group.

I’m feeling anxious and unhappy about turning 30 as it is, especially given that I’m pretty much terminally single at this point. I’m not sure I want to spend that weekend with my three married friends and their husbands, to celebrate the year-old marriage of our fourth married friend. I also have very limited vacation days, and so burning two of them for this weekend seems unappealing.
I feel guilty that I’m considering not going to this celebration; I don’t want my friend to feel slighted. So basically…do I have to go?

Tiffany M.

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Hey Tiffany,

Bunking up with married people — fun!

No. You do not have to go.

As someone waaayyyyy older than you, I’m here to share some good news about aging. The gift is a facility to gracefully say “no thank you” and not even feel that bad about it. In other words, your “no” will get easier every year. Happy birthday!

Your married friend has given you an opportunity to practice now. All you have to do is attach this note to a nice gift that will cost way less than the trip.

“Thank you so much for including me in your wedding celebration! I’m sorry I won’t be able to join you all. Please know that I love you. I got you [description of gift here], and I hope that when you two use this gift you’ll think of me and feel my love and blessings for your life together. When you’re in [your city here] you always have a place to stay.”

You do not owe anyone your presence for everything they do.

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If she absolutely needed you there, it’s on her to call you and say, “Hey, I need you here, so let’s check dates and locations together to make sure what I’m planning works for you.”

Did she do that?

Nope.

Celebrate your 30th in a way that makes you happy. Choosing to do something that is a big sacrifice, that’s too expensive, and that causes anxiety is not the answer, and not the way to celebrate a landmark day.

Hang out with those who can make your day be about you. And sure, if you’re up for it, take a moment to call into your group of friends during the party to say hi and to tell them you’re thinking about them.

Now, let’s address your “terminally single” status. Terminally single is a choice. If you want that, then own it and tell anyone who’s bugging you about it to fuck right off. If you don’t want that, then make a different choice.

The first step is to stop saying those words. Words are powerful — they cast spells. And girl, if you want help, I’ve got you; grab my DIY dating workshop, Ready for Love, and learn how to date successfully to find your love. We can hack this for you. Your status is totally changeable, and there’s nothing terminal about your love life.

. . .

Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 70,000+ women internationally.
If you’re a single woman wondering where you might meet your love IRL once this shitshow of a pandemic is over, grab this free audio gift from Wendy.

You can send a question to the column via email: [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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