There are a lot of things they don’t tell you in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Embarrassing things.
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1. Pee IN the toilet, not on it. Not around it. In it.
It wasn’t until I potty trained my kids that I understood what makes frat houses smell so bad.
2. The gift that is the courtesy flush.
Parents, remember that someday your kids are going to be completing Operation Dumbo Drop around people who don’t love them unconditionally.
3. How to wipe your own butt.
I knew that I’d have to potty train them, but I guess I thought they came installed with some sort of hard-wired sense of cleanliness.
4. How to not use too much toilet paper.
See above. Or Google “plumber”.
5. Not to drink poison.
Listen to me, kids will drink poison if you don’t watch them. It didn’t happen to mine, but not for lack of them trying.
6. Not to walk into traffic.
You know you’re going to have to teach them “look both ways” but did you know that they’ll probably still walk into traffic if you’re not there to yell at them? At least for the first six years or so. Another ten years on top of that, if they’re holding an electronic device in their hands.
7. Don’t poke the dog in the weiner.
I mean, really.
8. Don’t smell the dog’s butt.
Not good for you, not good for the dog.
9. Don’t shove a pencil into your ear hole.
My kids are not unlike Hannah Horvath from GIRLS. They just have to push everything one step too far, all the time.
10. You have to change your underwear. Yes, every day.
Part two of this: Take off yesterday’s pair before putting on today’s underwear. I’m not saying one of MY kids was layering three or four pairs of underwear at a time, but I’m also not saying they didn’t.
11. How to shave your armpits.
Yet another thing you think they’ll just figure out on their own. But there are things grown-ups know about how to get into the tricky parts that simply cannot be figured out by a 13 year-old.
12. How to be less annoying to your friends.
This starts around second grade. Up until then, your friends accept you for how totally weird you are. They like that you make thirty different bird sounds just randomly. They think your wide array of fart noises are great. No problem that you talk to them with your face a quarter inch from their faces. They don’t mind that you just sang “Let it Go” seven hundred times on the playground and that you always demand to be Elsa.
But then second grade hits, and man-oh-man, you better learn how to read faces and body language to know when you’re starting to piss people off.
13. How to use shampoo.
All those years you were shampooing them in the bath? They were not paying attention.
14. How to rinse shampoo from your hair.
See above.
15. What condoms are for.
You knew you’d have to explain this somewhere around middle school. But then your 8 year-old asks, and you find yourself face-to-face with a conversation that involves the words “venereal diseases” “pregnancy” “penis” and “vagina”. Thanks so much, fifth graders on the playground. You’re just grand.
16. The definition of the word “what”.
Try it. Go and try to explain the word “what” to a 4 year-old. I’ll wait.
17. That baby Jesus never actually had a spaceship that flew him up in the sky so he could laser-beam King Herod’s army to death.
This only happens if you’re watching Family Guy on the laptop wearing headphones while you think your partner has taken the kids out for ice cream, and you don’t realize they’ve snuck up behind you and can’t tear their eyes from the screen. Not that I’d know…
18. Mind your space, dudes and ladies.
It’s like my kids are playing a game of human pinball when they’re walking through public spaces. Ten points for every person you almost knock over or leave a chocolate-y handprint on.
You really do have to explain to them that these people don’t want you to touch them, bump into them, crawl through their legs or stand right next to them, breathing hard, and wiping your nose with your sleeve.
19. You cannot just take the money out of the tip jar at Starbucks, even if it’s right in your face.
Sorry. I get it. But no.
20. That your parents aren’t famous, and not everyone knows us.
“But my dad is Ivan” doesn’t cut it at the gas station when you didn’t bring enough money to pay for your gum. Super sorry.
21. You are not the center of the universe.
I mean, duh. But seriously, they think that.
22. Nobody wants to smell your finger, my friend.
I hear you saying “it smells like bubble gum” but we both know that really means “it smells like butts.”
23. That people WILL eventually figure out you’re the one who farted if you laugh every time you let one rip.
I remember the day I learned this. And I don’t want to talk about it.
24. “Boner” is not a good name for a hamster.
This happened.
25. That you can leave the bag in the cereal box when you pour it.
Seriously.
26. And if you take the bag of cereal out of the box, it’ll never go back in the same way.
It’s just not going to fit in the cabinet like that.
27. Twenty minutes in the microwave is too long for oatmeal.
There was a fire. And lots of smoke. All humans, animals and property (except the microwave) escaped unharmed.
28. You really do need to wear underwear under dresses. At least in public.
I’m all about body pride. I’m 100% against body-shaming. But this is about germs and other people not needing to see your bits. Cover the bits.
29. That babies don’t come out of butt holes.
I sort of wish this were true, and I sort of don’t. But it’s not.
30. Beets will turn your doodie red.
There will be screaming from the bathroom.
31. Just because you want to kiss that person, doesn’t mean you should.
We can all name about thirty reasons why, but try telling that to a preschooler. Still, the rule stands.
32. If you lick the ice cream cone too hard, it’ll roll right off the other end and the dog will eat it and then vomit it up on your rug.
Better hope it wasn’t Superman flavor. Side note for child-free folks: Superman flavor ice cream is NOT good, no matter how delicious you remember it being.
33. Nobody wants to shake your hand if you pull it directly out of your pants.
Need I say more?
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You may also like 25 Failsafe* Rules for Dads Raising Daughters
Big thanks to my BFF Rebekkah for helping me with this list.
Photo: Shutterstock
Ha! #27 actually happened to us. We lived in an apartment building at the time and scared the living daylights out of the poor Korean couple that lived above us.
Fortunately, the child in question never made THAT mistake again.
Everything my 5 year old knows about God he gleaned from sneaking Family Guy over my shoulder or hiding in his big brother’s room to see. It makes for interesting conversation, to say the least.
Also, the corollary to #31 – Just because you want to hug someone does not mean they want you to. Still working on getting the Pre-K kid to ask permission BEFORE kissing or hugging friends.
Awesome article… we’re just 4 weeks in to this parenting deal, but it looks like we have a long journey ahead 🙂 Plenty of things to look for 🙂
Some of these made me wonder but I laughed my ass off at 25-27.
Why on earth would you make 13 year olds shave their armpits?? And on #28. You really do need to wear underwear under dresses. At least in public. I have mused over the fact that girls (or whoever wants to wear a dress) also need to learn skirt posture discipline, i.e. never sit in a way that allows people to see under your skirt. Always keep your legs closed, basically. I knew a woman who at the age of 25 for the first time in her life started wearing a dress in the summer, and it was embarassingly apparent she… Read more »
Who is saying that a 13 year-old HAS to shave their armpits?
I’m saying, when your kid is 13 and IS shaving their armpits, you may need to instruct them how to do it so they don’t have weird stubble and tufts of hair. This is part of parenting.
A 13 year-old also may not need you to teach them this, every kid is different, but you are the one who read that we’re MAKING a 13 year-old shave.
Yes, I think I overshot a bit there. Sorry. I was just surprised to hear that for a 13 year-old the shaving of armpits is on the agenda at all. But on second thoughts, that is the age when puberty starts to hit, isn’t it? And when “sexy” becomes the order of the day with girls. I still don’t see why a boy would shave his armpts, though.
My daughter started shaving a 11. She was on the swim team and was looking like a zoo exhibit under there. She didn’t do it to be sexy, just to stop being part sasquatch. However, on a lighter note, my 18 year old SON shaved his pits for a swim meet and had to bear the pain of ingrown hairs and itchy stubble for quite some time. I chalked it up to a good learning experience and internally laughed the whole time. 😉
Few ladies know but few girls know they need to wash hair-underarms too-withdestergent- withgood quality shampoo, before they shave . Infact they must use scissors and THEN they can use a razor. Or leave it… I once lay with a beautiful bi sexual girl and WAs surprised to discover no legs, arms or shaven skin ANYWHERE ON HER. i REFUSED TO TELL HER AND we HAD SEX ALL NIGH,T EVEN THOUGH i was SPOILED AND LIKE SMOOTH SKIN on girls– as it is such a HOT sweaty, sticky and wet turn on in which both partners find themselves keeping time… Read more »
Gross.
I don’t think wearing underwear under dresses/skirts/kilts and whathaveyou has anything to do with germs, it’s purely about being considerate to others and avoiding winding up on an upskirt site. Or heaven forbid you accidentally walk over a steam vent.
That being said, I kind of wish the rule weren’t a rule as I hate pants and wearing a kilt in the traditional way would probably be a lot more comfortable than those stupid pants that men are pressured to wear. I can only imagine how much dysfunction is caused by ill-fitting pants.
Who said anything about germs? I don’t quite understand …
I think there are a lot of worse things than people accidentally seeing your bits. I also don’t believe that ‘manspreading’ has anything to do with skirt etiquette and everything to do with the fact that women are expected to take up as little space as possible in every way.
Joanna,
I just found your columns..brilliant, so funny and so true. Thank you for sharing your wit and your family. You are a breath of fresh air…no matter how many times your child wants you to smell his finger. Btw..when did Superman ice cream happen? I missed it.