One friend in college set me up with a guy she knew. He was kind, and I found out he was also friends with people from my hometown. We hung out a couple of times more before making it ‘official’.
But something felt off. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t in it 100%. It wasn’t fair for both of us, so I called it quits.
Do I ever regret it? Because all my friends told me how stupid I was for letting go of such a good guy.
But I wasn’t ready. And I wish I could stick to my decision of not entering a new relationship with him.
Because saying ‘yes’ when your heart is still closed can be the cruelest thing you ever do.
How do you know you aren’t ready? There are some signs you might want to pay more attention to.
…
Nowadays, young people in the dating pool like to call it “hesidating”. It’s a new dating trend that indicates you’re still on the fence about whether you want a relationship or don’t.
Yet you put yourself out there on dating apps already.
The problem with this is sometimes you end up meeting the wrong person. Then, you delude yourself into thinking you should commit to this person.
You don’t make that decision based on what you actually need but more because you don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings.
Guess what? You and the person you’re dating will end up getting hurt anyway.
So, if you can prevent heartbreak earlier, why not?
Here are some signs you are indeed not ready for a new relationship — regardless of what others say:
1. Compromise is a big thing, and you can’t do it right now
Almost everyone wants affection and attention from their loved ones, but not all of them want to compromise.
I knew I wanted to call it off with that guy because I didn’t want to compromise. Not because I couldn’t, but I’d rather not to.
This also means there’s no future for the relationship to grow.
A healthy relationship without compromise is impossible. You both are individuals with different personalities and needs.
You may not like your partner’s decision sometimes and must adjust to it.
It’s not just butterflies and rainbows.
So, if you aren’t ready to compromise with another person, you probably aren’t ready for a serious relationship in general.
2. You have other priorities in your life that are more important than your love life at the moment
College. Family issues. A desire to travel solo.
Maybe you think getting into a relationship will hold you back from doing the things that are important to you. And there’s nothing wrong with hitting a pause button first on that.
However, this can be tricky sometimes. Some people are falling into the cycle of chasing one goal after another endlessly.
So, having a deadline in mind is crucial. You may not be ready for a committed relationship right now, but things will likely change in several years.
3. You’re still not over the trauma caused by your past relationship
Whether you got cheated on or abused, that needed a lot of time to heal. Most times, getting into a new relationship isn’t the answer.
In my past experience, staying single for a while is the fastest way to heal from the trauma. Because you can never fully commit to someone new when deep down, you’re still hurting.
Jumping into a new relationship means adding another problem on top of the old and unresolved problems you have with your ex.
So if you think you need more time to be alone, you’re absolutely right. Because it’s clear you aren’t ready to love someone new.
4. You get bored easily when it comes to dating
The last sign you aren’t ready for a serious relationship is when you feel like dating someone just because you’re lonely. Not long after that, you feel bored and call it quits.
It’s an unhealthy pattern I’ve seen in many singles lately.
They think they haven’t found “the one”. But the truth is, they just need to take a break from dating altogether.
They aren’t ready because if they are, they’ll do their best to at least stick it out for a year.
Instead of putting yourself in the dating pool, do something else that has nothing to do with it.
Work on your career. Build something that you’re passionate about. Explore the world on your own.
That way, you won’t use a relationship to fill the void.
One last reminder…
“i want to feel so complete
i could light a whole city
and then i want to have you
cause the two of us combined
could set it on fire”
The older I get, the more I feel secure with where I am in life. And I hope you’re too. Especially when it comes to love life, there’s no point in rushing things.
Just because the guy likes you, just because he’s handsome and you’re afraid you might not find someone better, just because he’s ready to commit, that doesn’t mean you should too.
People might say there’s no such thing as being 100% ready.
That’s true. But there are also people out there who get into a relationship because they’re pressured to.
Remember that you’ll be in it and go through all the bad and the good.
So, take it easy. Being taken isn’t a competition. Focus on your own timeline.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com