First, I’d like to say happy New Year. What a year it was!
As we transition into the new year, I hope you developed and learned lessons from your experiences in the past year.
No, it was not all rainbows and roses, but it was not all doom and gloom.
As the world opened back up in recovery from covid restrictions, so did our ability to connect and engage new people.
Yes, it was no longer an extreme risk to go out and date again!
Dating had a transition of its own in this period.
While we returned to “normal life,” it came with a new understanding and set of values in the dating market that I hope you attained.
Behaviors > Emotions
I hope you’ve followed my writing this year, and if not, welcome!
I used to believe that relationships did not work because feelings faded, and that was the core of it all.
While emotions are a piece of the puzzle, they change because behaviors change.
Behaviors come from our attachment style and what we do to go from fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, or anxious preoccupied and aim to transition to a secure attachment style.
The lesson here is to try and identify what type of attachment style you possess and your partners and combine the two to understand the challenges your dynamic might face.
Navigating your dynamic becomes easier when you understand the core of behaviors. Instead of getting upset about it, you will have an understanding and an ability to work within their development.
For example, a dismissive avoidant will value their space, while an anxious preoccupied partner likes to close the gap to reconnect. It can be a recipe for disaster.
When you understand your dynamic, you can develop a method for communication and point out an area of improvement without insulting your partner.
Check, please
People began to come to me for advice as I progressed in my writing. Whether they were dating or in a relationship, there was an ability some of them needed to gain.
The power of walking away.
I do not mean you should walk away from every challenging relationship or situation.
When you have a set of non-negotiable boundaries and needs, you will feel less dependent on someone or have the desire to “fight” to keep a relationship alive with someone who does not fulfill them.
Again, this can be in a relationship or the dating phase.
You get wrapped up in the idea of someone rather than who they have presented themselves to be.
Walking away accomplishes a few objectives:
- It alleviates the stress and hurt of dealing with an inconsistent partner.
- You learn that if your values don’t align, there is someone out there whose do.
- Most importantly, it might even make you laugh. Everyone is not for you, and that’s ok. Move on.
You better love you
A lot of people are scared to make this change in life.
Some of you walk through life thinking that you do not have to make changes, then the right person will come along.
I don’t want to sound harsh, but you must take accountability for your shortcomings and realize your part in your downfall. I did.
I was a dismissive-avoidant, did not understand my needs and boundaries, stayed in on-and-off-again relationships, and didn’t take hold of my mental health.
But boy, was I ready for a relationship.
Start this year by gaining an understanding of yourself and what your needs are.
“If you don’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Sorry, but that is the most irresponsible, blame-shifting crap I have ever heard.
Yes, someone should work with you as you develop and grow. No, someone does not have to be scared or feel guilty challenging you to be better.
It is not a cliche; you have to love yourself before someone else can love you.
Solo Dolo
You are scared to be alone.
You think being alone means you’ve failed and are undeserving of love.
Why?
Being alone is empowering when you reframe your thinking about why you are flying solo.
- Are you taking the time to understand your values, beliefs, needs, and boundaries?
- Maybe you’re working on reconditioning your attachment style.
- Have you stopped dating someone because you realized it was not a good match long-term?
I can go on and on with questions that center around you taking time to develop and being unforgiving about what you want in a relationship.
It is good news.
Again, it’s time to let go of these ideals and face reality.
Combine all the previous points of this article, and you will understand that being alone can be the biggest blessing you have ever received.
You’re taking the time to become who you want to be and get the outcomes you want.
Uh, so what sucks about that?
While I love the new year, I challenge people to hit the reset button on any given day. April 7th, July 9th, and October 21st, it doesn’t matter. Start now.
Do you have behavioral changes you want to make? Start now.
Do you want to get back into the dating market? Start now.
You are so much stronger than you think.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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