4 Reasons Why Most People End-Up With Wrong Partners

That’s all you want. You want to have a great relationship. When you’re in a healthy and satisfying relationship with the right partner, all the pains and frustrations of other failed relationships become worthwhile.

Because one of the most essential human needs is to develop and maintain romantic relationships but we all know that this need has never been easier to fulfill.

That’s why a lot of us have in some way or the other tried to put in a considerable amount of hard, loving endeavors of commitment in almost all the relationships we’ve ever found ourselves in. But shit happens. Life messes us up in so many ways. In fact, we all have at one time or another heard the phrase: “bad things happen to good people.”

And as curious creatures that we are, our curiosity often leads us to seek explanations for things that happen to us and people around us.

Quite often, we find ourselves or people around us in a relationship with deep-seated incompatibility that we can’t help but wonder how such errors happen.

Sometimes we are tempted to assume that we or others are simply unlucky in love because we find ourselves or others in a series of bad romantic relationships but that’s not always true.

Here are a few reasons why most people end up in messy relationships with the wrong persons.

1. They don’t have a well-developed idea of what they want in a relationship.

If your relationship often feels too wrong or unhappy all the time, it has everything to do with what you were looking for at the beginning of the relationship. Usually, when you don’t have a well-developed idea of what you want in a relationship, your happiness and satisfaction suffer.

This usually becomes apparent when people aren’t looking for a relationship of mutual trust, respect, open and effective communication, authenticity, compromise, and shared values. It might also be obvious when people are driven by attraction at high speed into a relationship without paying attention to things they have uncommon like, ethics, interests, etc such that they have little to talk about. When couples seek their individual emotional fulfillment outside their relationship, and so on.

I once heard a story of a couple who were married for over 20 years but everything ended in tears, betrayal, and bitterness because the relationship was founded on a ground of deep-seated incompatibility. But people who enjoy deep, intimate, and satisfying relationships, have a well-defined idea of what they want in any relationship, never settle for less than what they want, in fact, they seek out relationships where deep understanding and mutual respect’s individuality exists.

Once you learn to have well-defined relationship expectations, you’ll easily tell whether or not someone is right for you. You’ll avoid being trapped in an unhappy relationship. That’s to say, you’ll easily walk away from a relationship when it isn’t right for you.

2. They have somewhat superficial relationship expectations.

People often think of themselves as “self-aware people” who know what they want but end up having shamefully superficial relationship expectations that are rather ludicrous than reasonable and all they do is pave way for disappointments, bitterness, and unhappiness. Whereas, in compatible relationships, couples always have ideal mutual, connected, or symbiotic goals or expectations.

Most people who end up in unbalanced and incompatible relationships tend to have somewhat superficial expectations like building a home and a family with their partner, creating a friendly and supportive environment for their kids, having a fight or violence-free relationship, collaborating in maintaining the household, supporting each other’s personal endeavors, etc.

Ideally, these expectations aren’t actually bad but when one has only these kinds of expectations but lacks ideal expectations like a relationship deeply founded by mutual trust and respect, open and clear communication, authenticity, and compromise, and shared values, interests, etc, her relationship might likely take the wrong direction.

That’s why people enjoying great and compatible relationships communicate on a different level, have a deep understanding of each other, have ideal mutual goals, complement each other despite their differences, and so on.

Compatible partners have similar fundamental beliefs and norms of behavior. They don’t have core objectives that don’t actually help their relationship thrive.

The bottom line?

If you have mostly superficial expectations that aren’t deep-rooted in the 5 pillars of healthy relationships(Respect, Trust, Communication, Healthy Boundaries, and Mutual Support,) you’ll forever have a litany of incompatible relationships.

3. They think love only is enough.

Love is always what brings two people together but it’s definitely not what keeps them together in a long run. And so many marriages and relationships breakups are attributed to the ignorance of this fact.

In this day and time, many people simply hold on to this hyperbolic belief that “Love conquers all” hence, they adopt this notion that everything will work out fine as long as they love their significant others enough. But on the contrary, counting on love to make up for or fix all the hardships, imbalances, and incompatibilities in any relationship is the perfect recipe for unhappiness.

Love alone can not maintain a strong and healthy relationship because love does not conquer all. For a relationship to stand the test of time, it needs to be rooted in the earlier mentioned fundamental pillars of healthy relationships.

That’s why you shouldn’t even think of marrying someone or staying in an unhappy relationship simply because you’re in love. There’s so much more than love in every successful relationship.

Relationships take time, that’s why love is not always enough. Respect and understanding of each other’s needs and individuality win where love fails.

4. They are so drawn to familiar feelings.

In general, people who enjoy great and compatible partnerships are emotionally and mentally strong enough to recognize and walk away from obviously undesirable situations.

And not get stuck in some kinds of toxic situations simply because such situations seem familiar like the emotionally and mentally weak ones who always end up in incompatible partnerships.

The people who tend to allow the feelings of familiarity to negative and undesirable situations to rule their choices of partners are simply held captive by the shackles of their past hurtful relationships.

Attraction to the familiar is indeed a pervasive pattern in all of us. But it’s the people who are familiar with relationships with kind, compassionate, and loving people that have higher chances of enjoying healthy and compatible partnerships.

And if you so desire to enjoy deep, meaningful, and compatible relationships, you don’t need to hate or blame yourself for engaging in such relationships or allowing such unhealthy patterns to continue if this is the case for you, just learn how the familiarity principle of attraction works and you’ll gradually begin to attract the kinds of persons you want in your life.

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But does this mean that there’s such thing as a perfect relationship? Of course not, but there are relationships where deep understanding and mutual respect for each other’s individuality exist.

Cultivating strong, intimate, and healthy relationships is never an easy task. Because they happen through hard, loving work. But taking the inversion approach might be the easiest way to achieve them.

By this I mean, instead of trying to figure out how to build healthy and extraordinary relationships, one might try to avoid mediocre relationships when he avoids things that make people end up in such relationships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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