4 Red Flags That “Couple Therapy” Won’t Work (At Least Not Together)

I sat in the waiting room once… too many magazines, plants with dry soil, the somewhere-between-of-the-building hum, and… watched couples scroll their phones, even unwillingly. I’d been asked to write about therapy a dozen times, but the same thought kept rising up: couples therapy is a powerful tool, but it’s not a miracle glue. Sometimes it’s the wrong tool for the job.

If you’re thinking, “We’ll try couples therapy, and that will fix it,” pause. There are patterns I’ve seen that make conjoint work either useless or actively dangerous. If any of these live in your house, talk to someone about safety and options before you book the first session.

1) One partner is fundamentally unwilling

Not “nervous about new things.” I mean fundamentally unwilling: shows up to prove a point, refuses to take responsibility, uses therapy as performance. These partners do chores of attendance, sitting on a couch, folding their hands, but they’ve already checked out of accountability. They stonewall; they defend; they turn every attempt to connect into evidence for their grievance.

This goes beyond being obstinate. The process often shifts to individual treatment when one partner refuses to engage in genuine conjoint participation, and the couple’s issues are reframed, downplayed, or buried rather than resolved. In practice, many people seeking help for couple problems end up in individual therapy when a partner won’t engage in conjoint treatment, with predictable pitfalls.

Why does that matter? Because therapy requires two honest partners willing to test new behaviors. If one partner’s motive is scoreboard — not change — progress will be accidental at best and a weapon at worst.

2) Ongoing dishonesty

Infidelity and hidden finances are not “topics” you can batch-process in a ninety-minute session and expect everyone to leave intact. Repeated affairs, secret accounts, chronic breach of agreements — they erode the basic material of trust.

Financial infidelity isn’t rare: surveys report that a large minority of couples have hidden purchases, secret accounts, or outright financial deception — behaviors that predict deeper relational rupture. When money is hidden, people begin to wonder what else is hidden.

Therapy isn’t magic PR that makes betrayal respectable. The treatment room becomes a bandage over a wound that is still being opened every night if the deceitful partner continues to lie outside the room. With careful, trauma-informed work, couples can occasionally recover from one-time disclosures; however, if they repeatedly lie without taking responsibility, they will not be able to develop the gradual trust they require, either within or outside of sessions.

3) Abuse or coercion

This is the hard line: couples therapy is frequently the incorrect place to begin if there is coercive control, physical intimidation, or emotional abuse in the relationship. Millions of people experience intimate partner violence, and the dynamics of control (intimidation, financial limitation, and isolation) are not “communication problems” that can be resolved with improved listening. Stalking, physical violence, and psychological aggressiveness are all very common, and their effects last for a long time.

Even worse, therapy can be used as a weapon. What is spoken in the room can occasionally be used in the hallway and at home. Couples’ work can sustain power imbalances when coercive control is present; an abuser may appear cooperative during sessions but nonetheless influence outside of them. For these reasons, conjoint treatment should be avoided when abuse is still occurring, according to several domestic violence resources.

Call a local hotline, make plans for a safe evacuation, and give individual trauma-informed care top priority if you are afraid for your safety. Couples counseling can wait until the threat has been identified and eliminated.

4) Contempt has replaced respect

Eye rolling, ridiculing, disdain, and small smirks are examples of subtle and destructive contempt. Because it conveys moral superiority rather than a desire to connect, contempt is one of the most harmful behaviors. Learning new communication techniques is like repainting a burned-out house when respect is lacking.

Here’s the practical test: do you feel seen as a person with some dignity when you talk, or do you feel like the joke the other keeps repeating? If the latter, therapy that teaches “I statements” and active listening may help academically, but it won’t rebuild the underlying goodwill. Goodwill is the skill that makes repair possible; contempt eats goodwill.

Signs therapy is working (what to watch for)

Not everything is doom. When therapy helps, changes are usually small and steady:

• Arguments slow down or lose their volcanic intensity.
• Curiosity shows up where defensiveness used to live — partners ask “why” in service of understanding, not ammunition.
• Accountability increases: missed agreements are repaired, and repairs happen faster.
• Emotional safety improves; the quieter partner starts to speak; the louder partner starts to listen.
• You begin to feel like teammates again, not opponents.

Development frequently appears mild before it becomes noticeable. Continue if the therapist’s treatments consistently lead to increased mutual accountability, safety, and repair. Stop and think again: is one party using sessions to score points, or is the work a theater of blame?

A final note: call out the therapist, too.

Good therapists screen for these red flags. If your clinician dismisses violence as “communication style,” or encourages joint sessions when one of you clearly isn’t safe or honest, that’s a professional red flag.

Therapy can be the place where you learn how to be better to one another. It can also be the place where patterns get more elaborate. Before you sign up, ask yourself the blunt questions: Is my partner willing to change, or to perform? Is there safety? Is contempt the dominant currency here? You’ll save time, money, and possibly your life by answering honestly.