4 Rules To Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work

Nobody has ever said, “long-distance relationships are the best! I enjoy being away from my partner.”

When you’re in love, all you want is to spend time together. Love happens with details: a smile, cuddles, an exciting conversation, and sharing unique moments. These details are powerful because they make you feel loved.

These details are non-existent in long-distance relationships.

How can you cuddle your partner through the phone? How can you go to a restaurant together? How can you make plans when you’re so far away?

Distance is the enemy of love.

Still, many couples don’t have a choice. Maybe you received an amazing job offer. Maybe your partner wants to study abroad for one semester. Or maybe you met somebody from another country.

Long-distance relationships are far from ideal, but they’re the reality for many couples. Every couple faces challenges, but those in long-distance have it tougher. You have to deal with distance, trust, and long-term thinking.

Here are a few rules to do long-distance work:

1. Let go of control.

Distance makes you insecure. You don’t know your partner’s feelings, where they are, or who is with them. So you keep texting and doing your detective work. It makes you feel in control.

Except this feeling of control is an illusion.

You can’t control relationships (no matter how much you want to). You don’t control your feelings, your partner’s feelings, or how you work as a couple. Sometimes, you try your best, and that’s still not enough.

You may feel this need for control because you’re physically distant. But every relationship faces this challenge.

Let’s say you’re insecure because you think your partner will cheat. Since you’re far, it’s even worse. In reality, a partner who wants to cheat will cheat no matter where they are. Think of how many couples break up because of cheating (most of them weren’t long-distance).

The distance makes you want what’s impossible: to control your partner.

What to do:

You can’t work on your partner. But you can work on yourself.

The need for control comes from a place of insecurity. You feel like if you don’t control the situation, it’ll get out of hand. So what you can do is increase your self-confidence.

It’s not about having the perfect relationship. It’s about knowing you’ll be strong enough to deal with the obstacles.

2. Find new hobbies.

Relationships take a lot of work: you have to deal with conflict, spend time together, make plans, and share responsibilities. Everybody talks about the magic of falling in love, but nobody talks about the investments. You have to invest time, money, and energy in your relationship.

With so much investment, you have fewer resources for yourself.

Do you know these people who get so invested in their relationship that they forget to build their lives? They don’t hang out with friends, don’t have hobbies, and don’t know who they are outside of the relationship.

Long-distance relationships give you the opportunity to work on yourself.

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you have two options: to cry and wait until the scenario changes or to use this moment for yourself. Guess which choice will make you succeed?

What to do:

Relationships are made of two individuals (not two halves).

Your partner shouldn’t complete you: you should be complete by yourself. So before you’re finally together, work on your skills. Make sure you’re well enough alone.

Here are a few things you can do:

Start a new class.
Start a side hustle.
Buy an online course.

Follow your interests before you have to invest your resources into your family.

3. Respect their hobbies.

Relationships with double standards are a recipe for disaster. You can’t expect to have the freedom to pursue your hobbies while you suffocate your partner.

What happens if you stop your partner from pursuing their hobbies?

Let’s say you date a social guy who loves to go to bars with his friends. But you’re far, so you feel insecure whenever he goes out. He’s a thoughtful boyfriend and respects your feelings, so he stops going to bars. His intentions are sweet.

Except he’ll either resent you or lie to you.

Nobody should give up on their hobbies for a partner. When you give up on who you are, you become dependent on your partner. You lost something, so you have a void to fill, and you use your partner as a substitute.

That’s insanely dangerous.

You don’t want to be everything in your partner’s life. It puts too much pressure into your relationship (and love is supposed to be fun, not heavy).

What to do:

Relationships should make you feel safe, not anxious. If you feel insecure whenever your partner goes out, take a step back. Unless you have a great reason to be suspicious of your partner, there’s nothing wrong.

Imagine the opposite scenario: how would you feel if your partner told you to never watch Netflix again (although you love it)?

Individuality makes relationships better, not worse (even when you’re distant).

4. It should be temporary.

The unspoken rule of long-distance relationships is: they shouldn’t last forever.

Relationships follow a similar process: you meet, date, start a serious relationship, get married, and eventually build a family. So overall, you’re looking for a person to start a family.

How can you build a family with someone who’s never with you?

Don’t get me wrong: it’s not about following the traditional process. The process doesn’t matter. What matters is the goal. What do you expect from a relationship?

Long-distance relationships need a deadline.

This deadline will give you a plan. This way, you know what to do to be together. Long-distance works, but it’s far from ideal. So when you know it’ll end soon, it gives you the strength to pull through.

What to do:

You and your partner need to be on the same page about the future of your relationship. So first, figure out what you want, what you expect from this relationship, and if this person wants the same as you.

Once you have that figured out, you can work together to make it happen.

It sounds obvious, but most people start a relationship without reflecting on what they want. They live life in automatic mode, without questioning their decisions (their relationship becomes automatic as well).

Contrary to what Disney wants you to believe, love isn’t easy. But long-distance relationships face different challenges. You have to reinforce your individuality, trust your partner, deal with insecurities, and make plans together.

These rules will give you a more mature perspective on long-distance relationships. They are obvious when you think about it, but love blinds you. When you’re emotionally involved, you forget obvious things.

It’s tricky, but many people make it work (and so can you).

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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