Nobody wants to date a desperate person.
Desperate people are one step away from losing themselves. You may think sacrifices are romantic. But when you’re willing to put your relationship above everything else, that’s not love; it’s desperation.
You don’t want to be desperate. You want to become confident, independent, and interesting. You want to have a voice in your relationship.
But here’s the trick: you don’t know that you’re desperate.
You don’t wake up one morning and think, “I’ll do something desperate today.” Desperation happens without you noticing it, from small choices to bigger ones. It works like a poison in your relationship, killing it slowly with every selfless decision you make.
I’m here to show small habits that seem harmless at first, but they show you’re desperate:
Change your plans.
Changing plans isn’t pleasant, but it’s part of adulthood. Sometimes, things don’t go the way you plan, and you have to adjust the route.
But what happens when your partner’s plans are always more important than yours?
You make plans for things you like: going out with friends, doing sports, or even learning a new skill. It might include other people, but it’s ultimately for you.
When you give up on things you like, that makes you desperate.
Here’s why: you act like your partner’s plans are more important than yours. You act like your plans don’t matter. And this typically comes from fear of losing your partner (without ever thinking about the fear of losing other things you love).
You may say, “relationships take compromise!” and you’re right. But don’t forget your partner also has to compromise.
Insist after they ignore you.
We’ve all been there: you text your crush and wait anxiously for their reply… only to receive nothing in return. You may think, “everybody is busy; maybe they forgot.”
But you’re missing the point here.
It’s not about the text; it’s about reciprocity.
Not replying is one small behavior, but it’s a symptom of a bigger problem. They don’t reciprocate your efforts.
Relationships take reciprocity.
Here’s the brutal truth: when people want to reply, they do. If they don’t have the time, they’ll make time. People always have time for things they like. That doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It just means they don’t like you enough to make the same effort as you do.
When you always take the initiative and receive (literally) nothing in return, that sends a clear message: you’re not on the same page.
Insisting even when they ignore you is a sign of desperation.
Ignore your friends.
Relationships feel almost addictive. Few things feel better than loving someone and knowing they love you back. That’s why it’s easy to get lost in relationships. Yet, there’s one detail nobody likes to talk about.
Love can be a dangerous trap.
When the relationship grows and takes up space in your life, you have to make room. So you leave other things behind. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
But your relationship can’t take every space in your life.
When your relationship forces you to give up on things that matter to you, that’s a sign of desperation. You have to find the balance between investing in your relationship and keeping what matters most to you.
And one of the most important things you have is friendship. What happens when this relationship ends and you have no friends?
Never say no.
There’s one skill that has the power to make or break relationships, but nobody talks about it: setting boundaries.
Imagine you always say yes to your partner. Sometimes, it’ll be easy: “would you like some chocolate?” Yes, please! Other times, it’ll be difficult: “do you want to go out?” You might want to say no when you have to catch up with work, or you have other plans.
You need to set boundaries because you have limited resources.
Sure, you’d love to always spend time with your partner and do things that make them happy. But relationships take resources, like time, energy, and even money.
When you always say yes to your relationship, you always say no to other things.
If you don’t set your boundaries, nobody else will do it for you. Not because they don’t want to but because they can’t. The only person who knows what you can tolerate and what you can’t is you.
Bonus: negotiate your values.
This is a bonus because it’s the root of all other desperate habits.
Your values show who you are. They show what matters most to you, what you expect from life, your dreams, and even what type of relationship you want.
Let me give you one clear example. Imagine you value family, so you want to have children. But your partner doesn’t. You may feel tempted to negotiate your values to stay with your partner, and I understand that. You still love each other.
But when you negotiate, you have to give up on your dream.
You can negotiate pretty much anything: what you eat, where you go out, and even where you live. But you can’t negotiate your values.
So my advice is: learn what matters most to you (it sounds obvious, but most people don’t). That gives you a good idea of how much you can negotiate and even if you should insist on this relationship or not.
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Your partner can feel it when you’re desperate. And it’s not your fault: you don’t choose this on purpose, and you don’t control how you feel.
So if you feel like you’re desperate, take a step back.
When you’re emotionally involved in a situation, you can’t see things clearly. But when you step away, you can make better decisions. It doesn’t mean you need to end your relationship.
But it never hurts to invest in other things that make you happy.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Rachel Coyne on Unspalsh