Are you blinded by toxic friends? I was. An entire group of them, including my best friend but that, isn’t to say I wasn’t to blame.
They say human skin cells die and are replaced by new ones every seven years. Well, I can confidently say that barely any of my current friends have known my previous skin. In the past decade, I have fully replenished the people around me through the means of growth, change, or simple realization.
I’ve watched as best friends became enemies and acquaintances turned into strangers. It’s sad and frustrating but as much as we can blame others for the failure of friendships, we must also recognize that we are the villains of other people’s stories.
The official definition of a toxic friend is; ‘Less Friend, More Foe’. They put you down and expect you to pick them up, or drain the life out of you for their own gain. Whilst this seems like a bit of a hyperbole, there are many subtle ways in which these kinds of friends can go about being toxic. And if we analyze circumstances where we feel upset after meeting with such a friend, these traits may be easier to recognize than we previously thought.
Jealousy
The trait that took my best friend.
It’s a nasty little word. We associate it with an incredibly negative connotation — and rightly so. Whenever used, my boyfriend always corrects me with the term; envious. ‘It’s the mature and reasonable version’, he says.
When we consider jealousy in the most conventional sense, we often struggle to see how it could apply to mature friendships. It isn’t likely that in your mid-thirties, your best friend is going to feel threatened because of your new designer bag. We usually grow out of this type of jealousy in our teens and replace it with (at times even subconscious) envy towards perhaps, a healthy romantic relationship or successful work life.
This more profound type of envy lies within simply being you. It’s more deep-rooted and therefore, damages the relationship in a more aggressive manner. As these people are the closest to you, they have an unfair advantage over knowing your weaknesses — knowing exactly what buttons to push.
As we live alongside our friends, our lives evolve in different directions. Perhaps, at times we admire choices that our friends make or wish we had the courage that they possess. It can be easy to compare ourselves to others, especially those we know the most about.
In 2017, I moved from London to Los Angeles, leaving my entire friendship group behind. This was, of course, daunting for my friends as they dealt with my forthcoming absence. I went to great lengths to ensure that I met with them as much as I could. Some came to visit, others I’d meet halfway — after all, the impossibility of long-distance is a thing of the past.
However, things got sour pretty quickly. I ended up returning back to London and it was never the same. I noticed nasty and bitter comments passed off as jokes and an elephant in the room forever looming over our seemingly innocent brunches. The saddest thing to find is more often than not, best friends are the worst of them all.
After a confrontation, it was clear that the rose-coloured spectacles that my friends were using to observe my new life were the problem. In my defence, the bright blue skies of Hollywood’s streets that would feature on my Instagram daily are also quite difficult to make look bad. Clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, Ph.D. says that ‘if you feel like you’re in a constant fight that you want to win over and over again, that can be toxic.’ I definitely recognized that — both in my friends and myself.
Their bitterness towards me drove me to want to flaunt my new life even more. After all, I had to give myself credit; I had made a bold move across 5,437 miles of Ocean, alone, and of course, I wanted it to be perceived as a success. However, all my friends saw was perfection and they began to find me unrelatable which distanced us as people.
As they sat miserably at their desks, day in day out, working jobs they didn’t enjoy, they grew resentful to seeing my beaming smile as I worked on projects that excited me in a place I found utterly inspiring. These negative feelings accumulated into an irreversible rage. One that was impossible for them to hide. It wasn’t personal and often it isn’t. However, it can ultimately lead to the end of a friendship. Growing apart isn’t anyone’s fault but there are ways to prevent it from being detrimental to your relationship.
Takeaway
The next time you notice a friend making a comment very unlike them, question whether you’ve done something to upset them. This can of course be triggered by a warped display of how you portray your life. Without letting friends in on struggles and vulnerabilities, a wall can begin to manifest in your friendship. This is what happened to me and by recognizing this, I can take some of the blame and can understand the actions of my former friends.
The Balance Is Off
You’re giving more than you’re getting — it’s always about them.
At times, it isn’t that obvious when the scale of a friendship is tipped. I certainly didn’t notice it for a long time. We naturally enjoy doing things for those we care for and helping them through hardships so we rarely identify it as a chore. However, I finally recognized an unequally weighted friendship when I was the one in need.
Something upsetting had happened to me over the summer and I wanted nothing more than to let it out over some cheap red vino. I attempted to begin this conversation over and over again with every attempt being shut down by an interruption or some kind of distraction on her part. She clearly wasn’t picking up on any of my signals and I was beginning to question how well she really knew me. I was growing more disheartened with every try. I became too drained to continue and resentment washed over me.
A flashback of all the times I had been there to listen to things that were nowhere near as important as what I was about to tell her. In the end, I gave up and the saddest thing was that she didn’t even notice.
Takeaway
It’s healthy to evaluate our relationships and we shouldn’t feel wrong doing so. Usually, if we feel as though we’re doing too much for someone, we can sense it and confront them, but there are times when our willingness to help overshadows our need to reflect on our own well-being.
Instead of giving up the way I did, confront your friend with how you feel. Not necessarily in the form of mathematical equations or a list of things you’ve done for them in the past month compared to that which they’ve done for you. It won’t help to be bitter so using a feeling such as disappointment to present your point is much more of a constructive way to go ahead with things.
They’re Needy
Obsessive friendships and juvenile attachments can seriously harm relationships as we grow older. We don’t tend to associate the word ‘needy’ with platonic relationships and yet they can very much still exist within friendships.
I once had a friend who ended her friendship with me over just this. She made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough to remain friends. Of course, at the time I felt guilty. She had made me believe that I had done something wrong and was naive to think I could sustain a friendship with how ‘little’ I was doing for it.
However, over time, whilst analyzing the last message I ever received from her, I realized that I could never supplement what she needed from me. Her codependency was so strong that I couldn’t possibly manage it even if I tried. I couldn’t live my life around her needs and demands. This newfound understanding allowed me to let go of the warped negative perception I had of myself as a friend.
She was the type of exhausting friend who’d need someone every night at her beckoning call to comfort her after her hundredth breakup of the year. There are only so many nights of the week you can run to their doorstep armed with tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. It would frankly be selfish to assume that this kind of attention was acceptable to demand around an average adult’s working and family life.
The kind of people who like to attract drama will never stop. The codependency was something permanently within her, only to be handled by someone who knows how to and is willing.
This neediness can even lead to jealousy of other friends and an attempt to isolate you from others. Humans tend to naturally have their own unique network of connections which is independent of that of anyone else. An array of different friendship circles. Friends from home, work, our partner’s friends, and family friends.
Despite it being impossible to be involved in every part of someone’s life, these people have trouble dealing with being left out of some areas. They may even make remarks about you spending time with other friends. This is a clear sign of a lack of independence and their own need for a more self-sufficient life, whether they recognize it or not.
Takeaway
There are people who work best with a small tight-knit group of people. In these cases, clingy or needy friends may be perfectly easy to provide for. However, for most people, the only option is to distance yourself. This will allow them to learn to live without completely relying on you. It could force them to get out there more, meet new people, and be open to new things and hobbies which could lead them to develop a more fulfilling life. One where their focus on you is much less intense. This could result in a healthier friendship in the long-run.
You feel like something is wrong
Relationship psychologist Perpetua Neo, said ‘your body is good at picking up signals that something isn’t quite right’. It can be hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that’s wrong, but if you are constantly feeling on edge, it could be because there’s a toxic person around. She continues to say that “your mental energy is being sucked out by this person and you may feel destabilized around them. Your body is a barometer telling you that they’re trouble.”
According to Women’s Health: ‘A toxic friend has a knack for spreading their toxicity to others — they bring out behaviors in you that aren’t your best. Maybe you’re drinking too much, gossiping, or being passive-aggressive’. You then inevitably end up disliking the person you are around them.
Takeaway
Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. So ensure that you’re spending it with people who better you, even if you can’t quite pinpoint why your current friendship is giving you the ick. Take a step back and see how you feel without them being so at the forefront of your life.
So, you’ve recognized they’re toxic, what now? There are several options that psychologists suggest are best to deal with your ex-friend.
You can “slow fade” out of the friendship, says Bonior. “That’s the easiest, most comfortable way to extract yourself but it only works when both parties recognize what’s happening, and take a step back naturally.” However, if your toxic friend has no clue and feels like this has come out of nowhere they might push back harder, get offended, become accusatory, or totally miss the hint, cautions Bonior. So, being direct may be the best option.
There is no need for hard feelings or a hurtful delivery but saying something neutral yet firm is necessary. The fact that life is moving you in two different directions should be enough to make them understand you will no longer be spending as much time together. The conversation could be ended by including a gentle reminder about how much you will take away from this friendship.
There is of course, always the option to attempt to cure your toxic friend and make them understand the ways in which they hurt you. This can be slightly more difficult but in some cases can work. Often we are partially to blame for the disintegration of a friendship. Therefore, working together on bettering the partnership is a completely viable option as long as both parties are willing to be honest with themselves and each other.
We can all understand the pain of a long friendship ending, one that’s seen many phases of life, jobs, and partners. As difficult as it may be, sometimes all that we are holding onto is the nostalgia of who someone once was — not the person in front of you today. Letting go could be the best thing to do for your future. After all;
People come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit:by Sam Manns on Unsplash