49 Ways to Stop Screwing Up Your Relationship

Shut up and listen
Text back ASAP
Don’t ghost. You’re an adult, not Casper
Wait your tu — Stop interrupting
“I love you” is mandatory
State what you want and need. No one can read your mind
Swallow most opinions, especially the vomit-flavored ones
Give kids choices, but not as many as Subway
Warn someone you won’t be there
Break up before they’re standing at the altar
Wipe and put the seat down. If you miss, clean it
Remove hair from the sink, tub, kitchen, drains
Cook hot meals no matter what gender your hands are
Slow down and figure out your sexuality first
Don’t expect a Nobel for being a parent
“Thank you” is mandatory
If you drop it, clean it.
If you don’t drop it, still clean it
If a kid drops it, have them clean it
Sex, condoms, diseases, tests, babies, commitment, the future. If talking about any of these makes you blush, keep your clothes on
Don’t cheat. Break up. Save them the misery of you
Love your children for them. Don’t hate them for not being you
Talk. Silence for days is not a conversation
If you don’t know if you’re going on a date, stay at home
Stop. Breathe. They’ll text you back
Remember, children love praise, hugs, kisses, and structure
Don’t agree if you don’t agree
Never ask to reschedule five minutes after the meeting ends. Everyone knows you just didn’t feel like coming
Sex. Make sure everyone’s in the mood — and you’ve talked, consented beforehand. And during. No one likes to pretend they’re satisfied
Be a team. Cook, clean, take care of the kids, make money. Together.
Sort through your trust issues first
Spare the rod and don’t spoil the child
Yes, there’s more to sex than erections. Chill and do something else. Pressure to stay hard is stressful
Don’t be a crisis factory
Speak plainly. Hinting is usually manipulative
Help your partner orgasm too, but don’t expect it or require it
Control only yourself
Don’t tease your dog with treats for too long. Two seconds max. It’s not funny for them
Round up when paying back. Round down when collecting
Don’t tell your kids their aunt’s died when she hasn’t
Loan money out only if you want and can. You do not have to
Give five times more than you get. Only be around people who do the same
Let small things go. Take big things seriously. Know the difference
Be red carpet-ready if you spend two hours in the bathroom. Honestly, shave this down to an hour max
Listen a ton more than you give solutions. Explain only if asked
Know each other’s values before going any further
Nitpick only if you have lice
Pick up the phone, sometimes
Take nothing for granted. None of us will be here forever