I have been collecting African proverbs for a few years now. I love the mix of rich metaphors, wisdom, wit and refreshing bluntness that they offer. Whilst they are specific to African culture, everyone can gain some interesting life insights from them.
To all the romantics out there (including myself), here are five proverbs that give a reality check on relationships.
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A fish and a bird may fall in love but the two cannot build a home together.
So, I suppose it’s nice to have a spark, tingly warm feeling and goosebumps when you are with your partner (however long that lasts), but I don’t know what use that is if you are constantly arguing about everyday choices and core values.
There are examples of relationships where one person can have kids, wants kids and considers this vital, but the other is totally uninterested. Given that this is such an important decision, the couple would really have to ponder about their future together.
Let me explain the love story between the fish and bird and how it all came to a bitter end. The fish spent most of its days swimming in a quiet river whilst the bird preferred to spread its wings across the sky, sometimes resting on tree branches. Whenever they met, they always had great moments together. However, the fish could not fly and the bird could not swim no matter how much they tried. In the same way, you cannot build a home with somebody that does not share your core values, vision and all that non-negotiable stuff. Some things can’t and probably shouldn’t be forced.
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A marketplace is not the place for a husband and wife to argue.
I think anyone who knows me would say that it is very unlikely that I would argue in public with anyone, let alone with a significant other. To digress, I even hesitate to share my proud and happy moments with the world but I am working on it.
I’m sure you’ve all had a glimpse of arguments between couples on social media over all sorts of matters such as cheating, child support, finances, addictions and so forth. I’m not going to name and shame because it’s not the point. If you’re really curious, just google it.
Marketplaces (or social media) are often crowded, bustling with activity and its is probably not the best place to argue with your partner. That is, unless you want to be the talk of the community until the next gossip. Conflicts with your other half are inevitable but how you handle it in private makes all the difference.
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To love someone who does not love you, is like shaking a tree to make the dew drops fall.
Admittedly, I have been attracted to men who did not find me attractive. I think that’s absolutely fine: I’m not everyone’s cup of tea in the same way that I don’t think every guy is handsome. It’s really not something I will lose sleep over; well, with the exception of my teen years. Loving someone that doesn’t love you back is, however, something entirely different.
Unrequited love has inspired some beautiful and heart wrenching movies, books and songs. For instance, the lyrics of Bonnie Raitt’s classic ‘I can’t make you love me’ which has been covered countless times really captures the intensity of this experience.
There are not many absolutes in life but I dare say this might be one of them: you cannot force a human to love you. An individual might be smiley, compassionate, kind and caring towards you but this is not love. Do you know what happens when you shake a tree to make the dew drops fall? Nothing much.
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Marriage isn’t like palm wine to be tasted and spat out.
I respect happy marriages. This is heavily influenced by the fact that my parents have been married for almost 30 years. When my parents got engaged, they did not necessarily know how their lives would unfold but I’m sure they had the intention of spending the rest of their lives together despite the challenges along the way. To cut a long story short, I think wanting to get married to Mr. Right is a worthy pursuit.
You’ve probably heard about all the celebrities who tied the knot and broke up in record time. A couple in Kuwait actually divorced just three minutes after getting married. Don’t get married on a whim only to change your mind in a month, week or minutes. Even happy couples might agree that marriage is a lot of hard work, takes commitment and requires enormous amounts of patience and forgiveness. No one is perfect and your partner would have to deal with all your imperfections every single day. Some people can’t even handle their own undesirable traits. Marriage is not an experiment. It isn’t something you taste and spit out straightaway, like an unpleasant food or drink.
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Don’t be so in love that you can’t tell when it’s raining.
I’m a bit of a dreamer and I genuinely like to see the best in people. But there is a fine line between being hopeful and unrealistic, or worst, delusional.
A study carried out on 52 divorcees showed that substance use, domestic violence and infidelity were the most popular ‘final straw’ reasons for their annulment. There would have been many other cumulative issues before getting to the place of no return. Love shouldn’t be a reason to stay in an unfulfilling relationship but there are often so many complicated and sensitive factors to take into account.
If you are in the early stages of getting to know someone and it’s already drizzling, you should probably start having long and hard conversations with yourself. Don’t get comfortable and wait for it to flood.
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Every so often, those with romantic tendencies (including me) should remove our rose-tinted glasses, take a hundred steps back and be more objective about the situation. I know it is so much harder said than done but we should try, really try.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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