5 Bitter Truths I Learned About Love

I was often “flying blind,” unaware of the likely pitfall ahead.

When it came to love, I was always head over heels.

It felt so interesting and I couldn’t wait to finally settle down with one of the beauties I had around me.

I believed everything about love would be sweet and rosy from the beginning, middle and till the end, believing love truly conquers all, but I learned the hard way,

That “all that glitters is not gold”

It was then I realized that certain truths can only be dawn, after experiencing heartache or personal growth.

Here are seven (5) bitter truths I learned about relationships.

1. Love Alone Isn’t Enough

Love is important in relationships. But love alone can’t sustain it. I used to think that love could gloss over differences and that love never drops, but I was wrong.

I realized love is just an emotion, just like anger, happiness, sadness, motivation, etc. It drops whenever things are not really going the way you want.

So what do you do when you suddenly aren’t sure how much you love the person anymore?

This is the moment when the real work begins. Love may have brought you together, but it’s commitment, understanding and efforts that will keep you there.

You need to ask yourself:-

Do I respect this person? Respect is the backbone of any relationships. Without it, love loses form.
Are we compatible beyond emotions? This calls into question the values you share, goals, ambitions etc. These are the pillars of relationships, not looks or external beauty.
Am I willing to work through the challenges? No relationship is free from struggles, both partners have to roll up their sleeves, get to work to make it work.

When you begin to doubt “IF,” you still love your partner is when you evaluate your own feelings and actions. Love is the foundation of a relationship but acceptance, trust, communication and mutual respect holds it together, without these love will not thrive.

2. You Can’t Fix Anyone

Love is acceptance; it’s about accepting people the way they are without trying to change them. It’s bitter, but that’s the bitter truth I realized.

I had entered relationships with women with few workable areas that I thought I would be able to work on and change them to the perfect picture I already had in my mind.

Entering a relationship with the hope of “fixing” someone is a recipe for disappointment. Healing is an internal process, the person you want to fix or change must decide on their own first that they want to change first, you may offer support, encouragement, and love, but you can’t carry the weight of someone else’s healing. Love is a partnership, not martyrdom.

3. Some People Are Just Temporary Teachers

In life we meet different types of people, everyone who walks into your life is meant to stay forever. One way or the other people we interact with affect our lives either positively or negatively. Dating is not any different in this aspect.

Some relationships are not destined to be a lifelong relationship/marriage but they are meant to shape your life by teaching you something, helping you grow, and preparing you for the next chapter of your life.

I remember I met a beautiful lady a few years ago, she looked so perfect for me, we had undeniable chemistry and synergy, had nice conversations and what I felt was a deep emotional connection but as time went by, cracks began to appear or goals didn’t align and our communication slashed.

But I can never forget her, because she helped me to be truthful to myself, about what I want and my personal values. The woman and I couldn’t date, but she was my teacher in a way I hadn’t anticipated.

To gauge the impact of anyone that comes into your life and doesn’t stay permanently ask yourself:

What did this person teach me about myself or life?

How can I use this experience to grow?

What qualities do I now know to seek—or avoid—in future relationships?

Understanding that some people come and go in our life doesn’t mean their importance is not significant. These people come into our lives and leave us as a better person.

4. Your Happiness Starts With You

I used to think it was the responsibility of others to make me happy because we were in a relationship.

I placed my joy in their hands, believing their love, the time spent together etc would make me happy and make me feel “complete”.

I was wrong. This continued until I had a disagreement with my long time best friend, we fortunately went separate ways. And that’s when I began to live my own life and began to be truly happy., But true happiness should come from your heart, it shouldn’t be dictated by your external environment or the people you see around.

Although a partner can complement your joy, they should never be your sole source of happiness. Depending on someone else (either a lover or not) for fulfillment creates an unhealthy dynamic and often leads to disappointment.

If you understand this truth, it will save you from heartache or disappointment and help you build a stronger, lasting and more fulfilling connection.

5. Red Flags Should Never Be Ignored

In some of the relationships I entered, I knew a few days or weeks after it started that the relationships had no future.

I saw red flags all around; I saw warning signs like—subtle disrespect, manipulation, or lack of effort, attitudes, behaviors or situations that would kill the relationship. But I ignored them, I felt they would gradually disappear with time because the relationship was “still growing”. I felt love will fix everything with time, but I was wrong.

It all led to mental, emotional, physical draining. And over time the situations led to loss of self worth, emotional exhaustion and toxic cycles. Delaying red flags doesn’t make them disappear, it can only delay the inevitable.

You deserve a relationship where love, self respect, collaborative efforts, trust and understanding are the foundation. If you are forcing or managing it, it’s not love—it’s a warning sign. Run!

In Conclusion

In the words of Roy T. Bennett, “The past is a place of learning, not a place of living.”

Looking back, all those mistakes I made taught me valuable lessons. I wish I knew these truths earlier, but maybe I just needed to learn the hard way.

Understanding these 5 (five) truths can save you from heartache and help you build a stronger, more fulfilling connection, instead of learning the hard way like I did.

Love isn’t everything a relationship needs to survive, even if you fall in love, you must open your eyes to likely red flags to avoid wasting time, energy and resources on a relationship that has no prospects.

Don’t try to fix people, and don’t have hard feelings people leave your life, they might just be temporary teachers. Your happiness begins with you.

Thanks for reading…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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