5 Common Phrases That Are Actually Gaslighting

Gaslighting is far too common.

Most people experience gaslighting on the daily and don’t even realize it — especially in romantic relationships. People are also hard-pressed to admit it and quick to forgive it. But just because gaslighting is common does not make it okay. Over time, it can make a relationship turn sour. And it can even become a breeding ground for abuse.

If you’ve ever felt like you have to second-guess your reality when you’re with your partner, they may be gaslighting you. And regardless of why they do it — even if they’re damaged by their own trauma or insecure attachments — it’s important to be able to spot it right away so that it can be addressed.

If you suspect you might be a victim of gaslighting — or even if you’re unsure but a little suspicious — let’s talk through it. Here are 5 common examples of gaslighting that are frequently ignored.

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1. “I’m sorry you feel that way”

When someone “apologizes” to you like this, it’s not a real apology. It is a weak attempt to placate you while simultaneously spinning the fault on you. By saying this, they make the issue seem like it’s about you and your feelings, and not what they have done — as in, the issue is that you “felt” badly about something they did rather than the fact that they actually did something bad. An important component of healthy relationships is knowing that intention and impact are not the same thing. And even if someone’s intentions were not bad, the impact can be. So rather than negating their reality and refusing to take responsibility, they should be owning up to their mistakes and giving you a heartfelt apology for how said mistakes have affected you.

A better alternative to this phrase is simply, “I’m sorry.” Or even better: “I’m so sorry that I __________. It was not okay, and I want to make it up to you by ___________.” It’s not fair for someone to walk away with no accountability. Apologies need to be honest and considerate of the other person’s point of view.

2. “You know I didn’t mean that”

This goes hand-in-hand with #1. “You know I didn’t mean that” discounts all of the feelings that come with a hurtful comment or exchange. It places the blame on the other person for not understanding what was meant to be taken truthfully and what was not. But it’s not their fault they were hurt. And quite honestly, most of the time, people do mean these hurtful things when they say them; they simply backtrack when they are confronted about it.

Again, it avoids accountability and expects the other person to pick up the pieces. It fails to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and instead paints the comment or exchange as being “all in someone’s head” or misinterpreted, when this is often not the case. When people say things that are hurtful, whether it was in the heat of the moment or not, they need to own it and apologize. Full stop.

3. “You’re remembering things wrong”

This is a common phrase used by serial gaslighters, especially narcissists. They prey on people’s empathetic side and urge people to try to imagine a better situation rather than what really happened. They stir up doubt in people’s memories and sense of self, and cause them to question their own reality and story. It’s absolutely not okay.

And of course people say things like this on the daily — like when someone’s telling a story and they are clearly exaggerating, for instance. But it’s very apparent when this phrase is said for the purpose of gaslighting versus for the purpose of genuinely clearing up memory confusion. And if someone ever says this to you in such a situation, do not let them get to you. Trust in yourself and your truth. It’s not fair of them to make you feel like you are crazy or making things up.

4. “Why can’t you take a joke?”

I can’t count the amount of times that someone has said this to me, but even as that number climbs higher and higher, it doesn’t get any easier to hear. When someone says this, they are being utterly inconsiderate. Especially in light of recent events, there are a lot of topics and experiences that simply shouldn’t be touched by humor (unless the person has explicitly expressed otherwise). Because the thing is, people rarely say this about someone who just has a bad sense of humor. They say this in response to people who aren’t afraid to call out racist or sexist or homophobic jokes, or any other kind of dark humor that could be problematic to hear.

The bottom line is, if someone doesn’t laugh at your joke, you’re either 1) not funny, or 2) have touched on a topic that is sensitive or traumatic. Neither one of these gives you the right to blame them for not being able to take the joke; it’s your job to apologize. Then, just move on.

5. “Calm down”

This is the worst and yet the most widespread example of gaslighting that I think I’ve ever seen. Everyone seems to say this, regardless of background or privilege or demographic. Friends say this and parents say this and doctors say this and teachers say this and partners say this. And it’s still not okay.

We are conditioned to see negative feelings as illegitimate and something that we need to get rid of. In reality, negative feelings are just that — feelings, and we all deserve to feel however we want without being told to calm down. The way that we feel and respond to situations is legitimate no matter what. It’s not always possible to be calm in extreme distress. Saying “calm down” can make a person feel even more out of control and upset. It also can make them feel like they’re overreacting, when in reality they are just properly reacting.

If someone is truly losing control of their feelings and situation and you want to help, you should be able to do so — but bear in mind that there are much better things to say besides “calm down.” How about “take a deep breath”? Or, “Is there anything I can do to help you?” Or even asking them to elaborate: “Do you want to talk about why you’re feeling so ____________?” And of course, there’s always the other option of just giving them the time and space to cool off (without explicitly saying so).

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So there you have it: 5 common examples of gaslighting in daily life and relationships. I’d be willing to bet that all of us have been on the receiving end of at least one of these phrases. And it doesn’t feel good. Maybe we’ve even been the person to utter these phrases. That doesn’t usually feel too good either.

Gaslighting is not okay, but there is also room for redemption and forgiveness. If you have been the person to gaslight and say one of these things to someone else, the best thing you can do now is make an effort to stop saying those things and to find better ways to respond to emotional situations and ways to empathize more with those around you. (Oh, and maybe apologize to those who you may have wronged by gaslighting.) You are not the only one out there who’s made the mistake of saying something like this, and as long as you care about doing better in the future, then you’re already doing great.

And if you’ve been the person to hear these various forms of gaslighting, I hope that you are one day able to find peace. I hope that you are able to realize that gaslighting is not a reflection of you, but of the other person, and that you can someday grow to trust yourself and your story more than anything else without letting anyone make you second-guess it. I hope that you are able to forgive those in your life who may have harmed you through the vicious cycle that is gaslighting, if there is space in your life to forgive.

And no matter who you are, whether you’ve been a gaslighter or a gaslightee (is that even a word?) or both, let’s all pledge to call out these forms of gaslighting when we see them — and to stop tolerating them altogether. A big part of making change is standing up for what we believe in and being more than just quiet bystanders when someone around us is hurting.

It’s never too late to stop toxic behaviors like these.

And we all have the power to shut it down.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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