Talking about my friend, Chris and Rev were seems to be the real life pair of lovers in public. The two couples had been in a relationship for five years. They were my college senior. Now both of them have a lovely house, well paid jobs of doctor.
But there is even stronger evidence that their Relationship was on shaky ground behind closed doors. What was the source of their issue? Poor communication.
Like Them, millions of couples are surrounded by the problem of the inability to Communicate each other.
Thus, the most common marriage problem is communication, affecting more than half of divorced couples.
Let me hit you with some hard facts:
70% of divorced people? They said and complained about poor communication as the major cause of their break up. It was only second to “not even trying to work on the relationship.”
When the so-called experts are asked, 65% of them stated that poor communication is the leading cause of divorce.
Bottom line? If you cannot communicate then your relationship is in trouble. It’s that simple.
Rev often complaining that she was not listened to or understood. When she would try to voice how she feels, chris would turn the tables around and be angry at her or simply disregard the issue. He on the other hand just felt criticized and would ‘check out’ during an argument.
Their happily loving relationship was deteriorating, gradually and gradually.
They’re not alone.
So, I will be talking about 5 Communication hacks that may help in relationship.
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Practice active listening
“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey
Look, we’re all guilty of half-listening sometimes. I guarantee you this.
Every irritation caused by the misunderstandings that occur today will be seen as unnecessary when you learn how to use active listening.
You’re scrolling through your phone while your partner talks
You’re formulating your response before they finish speaking
You’re waiting for your turn to speak instead of truly hearing them
Get over it. Go through conversations attentively. Do the things you always wanted your partner to do for you.
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Use “I” statements
“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” — Tony Robbins
This might hurt, but it needs to be said: Many of us tend to shift the responsibility to our partners and do not say what we really feel.
We make statements such as ‘You always . . . ‘ or ‘You never . . . ‘ But wait. The following statements will only push your partner into the defensive mode.
It is absurd to attempt to change someone’s behavior by rejecting them. Therefore, why would one expend their energy and the bond they have with the other person in accusations?
Rather, concentrate on stating your emotions and your requirements. Any of these; “I feel….” or “I need….” These are the things which really count and are the foundation of the open and truthful relationship.
It is better not pointing fingers. That way, you will be able to foster a safe environment for a vulnerable conversation.
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Schedule regular check-ins
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw
One of the most important lessons that people can forget is that in order to remain close, it is necessary to communicate on a regular basis. Life gets hectic, children need care, and before you know it, you have not spoken to your partner for weeks.
That does not mean that you should schedule rigid and uncomfortable formal meetings. Instead, it is better to set a certain and frequent, but not too tense, time for communication.
However, at the end of the day, it boils down to you and what you want with your relationship.
The decisions that one makes, the routines to follow and the time that is put into it will be the level of the bond.
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Use the 5:1 ratio
“It takes five positive interactions to overcome one negative interaction.” — Dr. John Gottman
Listen up: Negativity is a relationship killer. But this is where it gets tricky — and you can’t escape it. You have to combat it consciously.
Enter the 5:1 ratio. One has to have five positive experiences for every one negative one. No one is keeping score, this is about making people feel good.
Here’s how to hack it:Here’s how to hack it:
- Praise your partner when he or she is doing the right thing and let them know about it
- Mention gratitude for small daily things
- Engage in humour to calm down but never to ridicule.
- Show physical affection regularly
- Acknowledge your partner’s attempts to get your attention
Ever felt like everything you talk about is somewhat serious? Brighten them up with happiness. Arguments becoming the norm? Stop the pattern by planning the positive contact.
Still, the mentality of “we only talk when there is a problem”? Change that narrative. Practice and make talking about the good things a regular thing.
Don’t let negativity snowball. Create a reserve of good feeling.
Note that this has nothing to do with faing or ignoring problems. It is about laying a positive framework that prepares one for handling the not so easy situations. If you have five positive interactions at the bank for instance, the one negative one does not have to ruin it.
Use the 2:2:2 rule
“The most important things in life are the connections you make with others.” — Tom Ford
Here’s a simple hack that can transform your relationship: In introducing new ideas, the following rule was used: the 2:2:2 rule.
Once in two weeks, out for dinner, just the two of you. weekend gateaway every two months. Once in two years, plan a one week leave for the both of you and go somewhere you have never been before.
This rule is not about making big moves or spending a lot of money. It is about the provision of regular ways of staying connected.
It is not easy to find time in between work and other responsibilities? Preplan for these days in advance as well. Worried about childcare? Begin forming your support system immediately and do not wait until the last minute to seek help. Think it’s too expensive? Think of ways to save money and still have fun and be innovative in the process.
Instead of neglecting your relationship in the middle of all the other things that you need to do, make time for these moments of bonding.
Remember that any date night, weekend trip, and even a vacation are the investments into the future of the relationship.
This hack offers a practical way for the two of you to set time to nurture the relationship by creating a schedule of how often you will be able to engage in the deeper form of communication free from the normal day to day routines.
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I hope you enjoyed reading. This blog post comes from what I’ve learned, what I think, and what I believe. The named used in this blog post are not real.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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